AIBU to be upset at my partner over this?

[rainbowsinheaven]

So my mum has been on end-of-life care in a nursing home for the last few weeks.

My partner and I have been together nearly 5 years. We both have children from previous relationships.

He works shifts in the emergency services and was on nights last night. After I’d put my daughter to bed, I got a call from the nursing home to say my mum’s breathing was becoming difficult and that we should come if we wanted to be there.

I told my partner this. He was sympathetic, but he didn’t offer to come home. He asked if I was taking my daughter to her dad’s, and I said no—she was in bed, it was a school night, and I didn’t feel it was fair. He knows I don’t have anyone else close by to watch her, as we moved about 30 minutes away from my family to live in his area.

Sadly my mum passed away early this morning before I had to chance to get there due to childcare. I had been awake all night worrying and tried to call my partner but he didn’t answer when I got the news she’d passed.

AIBU for expecting him to come home or at least leave his phone on loud overnight? I’ve challenged him on this and he said that he didn’t hear his phone and if I wanted him to come home I should have told him and he’d have asked if he could. I think his instinct should have been to be there for me and that he’s selfish. My poor Mum died without me there 💔

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. I know you were in a difficult and emotional situation but you didn’t actually communicate what you wanted from your DP. He actually gave you a solution which as a one off interrupting a school night wouldn’t be a problem and as your DD dad he should have been your first port of call for childcare. Working in the emergency services is difficult if you have to come off mid shift or to take personal calls. So in the absence of a direct request to him I’m sorry but YABU in your response to your DP. Appreciate your grief if clouding your view but please don’t let it.

But blaming her partner as many on here are quick to do, isn’t fair.

Logically your DC's schooling would have been interrupted anyway when you told them their grandparents had died.

Logic rarely wins in these situations. Neither of you were in the wrong. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, you said you partner works in emergency services and, as somebody has pointed out, if that means paramedic that could mean an ambulance being taken off the road or it could mean a nurse taken out of emergency care whicg drops them below their safe nursing levels and so ambulances are diverted, to care for your child when you had other options.

This was an unfortunate situation. Don't let it cloud your grieving or your relationship with your partner.

Sorry for the loss of your Mum OP.

Your grief needs something to focus on for a bit while it processes everything else, and it has chosen to use your husbands normal reaction for a while.

In a job that is SO difficult to leave mid shift, I think it does need to be specified if there is a need to go home. I don’t think people in jobs that can be safely abandoned appreciate how hard it can be for some people to leave work unexpectedly. It is also not acceptable in many jobs to have your phone ‘on loud’ as if you’d be available to answer it straight away. If it was only your children and not his at home at the time, I think your child’s father had more responsibility to step up.

If your partner works for the emergency services, then I'd imagine leaving mid-shift is not easy, but not impossible. However, you didn't say 'Mike, I've had a call from the hospital, it looks like Mum may pass away tonight, I need you to come home to look after Sophie'. You didn't ask him, or give him the impression he needed to come home. Some might say common sense should have told him to come home, yes, perhaps it should, perhaps it should have told him to say 'Do you need me to come home'. You could have called your daughter's Dad and asked him to come to yours, or even woken your daughter up and taken her to her Dad's. Unless your ex is a complete heartless arse, then I'm sure he'd have looked after his own daughter in an emergency. Instead you laid awake, and didn't go to the hospital and are now blaming your partner for not being with your Mum. You're both to blame - he didn't ask if you needed him to come home and you didn't ask. Poor communication on both sides.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Maybe emotions are clouding your judgement.