What to do about different views on the future?

[Catsarethebest123]

Hello all,

I a dating a wonderful man, we have been together for just over a year, he makes me very happy. I have a daughter and he has a son who get along wonderfully and hate being separated. Recently there have been conversations of moving in together, which is exciting for all of us (I would have to move to him due to my own business flexibility).

However, I realised the conversation of marriage has never come up. I don’t mean does he want to marry me, I mean does he see marriage in his future. I quite strongly believe in marriage as a long term goal, I believe it is the commitment to eachother, yes I know there are different ways of showing commitment, but my view is marriage is important (if it works out).

I asked specifying saying I wasn’t referring to us it’s too early, just generally does he see marriage in his future. I should say he has been married before and it didn’t end particularly well. His response was that he didn’t know, and hadn’t given it any thought and felt marriage had failed him before. I do understand that view after a horrible divorce. But I don’t want to uproot mine and my daughter’s life to be someone’s girlfriend or partner for the long term, yes for a few years until we are sure we are the right fit, but with the end idea we would marry. It is just my view that marriage is an important commitment down the line.

so now I am wondering what I do? How long do you give someone to decide if they see marriage again in their future? If in 10 years he doesn’t want to get married, I have wasted my time, not finding the person I need who wants marriage and moved mine and my daughters life. But equally he could decide he does want that. The problem is right now he doesn’t know what he wants in the long term. I think I have made it clear what I need.

what do you do in this situation? I’d like a partner who said. Yes it’s early days for us specifically, but one day i see myself marrying a long term partner, one day i want to be someone’s husband. Help!

Would you be moving into his house or getting a place together?

Divorce is expensive. You've both been through it he may not want to risk again loosing equity. Loosing pension.

He may be looking to protect his dc future interest in his house.

Apart from romantic notion why do you want to get married?

Personally if I was divorced i'd be dead against remarrying so that i can protect mine/my daughters assets.

Its is only reasonable that you ask this, and I would feel a lack of commitment if after 1 year of dating, there was still this unanswered question in the air, do I dont I.

Legally seen its beneficial if you two want kids in the future, or buy a property together. There are many reasons why this is important to someone.

If this is something you desire then voice this to him, be clear and perhaps indicate to him its a dealbreaker. And waiting 10 years is excessive so yeah I get you OP.

I would be moving to his house, but keeping mine. We discussed that a little as I thought it maybe one of his concerns. I told him it is not about the financials and I fully expect that we would have financial (and some emotional) protection in place for both of us and that’s written up.

for me it is the level of commitment that’s important, the celebration and dedication to eachother. That is just my view, but I understand others have different views.

Would you be happy with a commitment ceremony with no legal element to it?

You’re moving way too fast. You’ve only been dating a year and your son and daughter ‘hate being separated’ — assuming they’re children rather than adults, they shouldn’t even have met you/your boyfriend, far less become attached to one another to the extent you claim. And now one minute you’re discussing moving in together, which involves ‘uprooting’ your daughter, and now you don’t want a future if it doesn’t involve marriage?

Slow right down and prioritise your child. This is why people rightly don’t introduce their children to whoever they’re dating for a year or more.

Thank you. Yes, this is how I feel and I little bit upset really. And yes I’m honestly trying to work out whether I just leave now (even though I love him) or how long I wait. I told him how important it was to me (not explicitly using the word dealbreaker), but I hope it’s clear. I just don’t know how long to wait before discussing again

If you feel strongly that you want to get married in the future and he is noncommittal on the subject then I wouldn't be moving in with him. Not in terms of an ultimatum, I just wouldn't start building solid foundations with someone (let alone involving children) who didn't see the same long term future for the relationship as I did. It reminds me a bit of when people get married to someone thinking they can change them. As I say, if this is his view now, then I wouldn't be moving in with him. If his view changes in the future, then great, talk about moving in then, but for the moment it's clear that you both have different views as to what the future holds, so keep your living arrangements separate.

You need to slow down OP. And I doubt that your DD and his DS "hate being separated". That sounds very unlikely and far more like you projecting.

Yes I agree, I won’t be moving. It’s more of if I continue or for how long with this relationship

Yes, exactly. It’s highly unlikely for the OP’s daughter’s life is going to to be made better in any way by being ‘uprooted’ to move in with her boyfriend and his son.

This is not me asking about us getting married. This is the general though on marriage in the future, some people want to and some people don’t and that needs to be clear that you have the same long term goals so no one is hurt later down the line (in 10 years with no proposal because it’s never going to happen). The children, this is out of their own mouths with tears and refusing to leave eachother, nothing we have done or projected. It didn’t help with my question, we are where we are and I can’t change the past

Good decision - and fair point about the relationship too, I'm glad that you are thinking it through, you will never regret taking the time to consider things seriously - to bring an old idiom bang up to date - move in in haste, repent at leisure.

I am prioritising my child. It’s exactly the point, I can’t move her for someone who doesn’t have the same long term goals and I’m not going to move until those goals are clear, for her stability and our happiness. I cannot change what has happened re the children, so that isn’t helpful. It’s not about slowing down, I’m not asking if he wants to marry me, I’m asking does he see marriage in his future to ANYONE. Some people do and some people don’t and it’s better to know that now than in 10 years or blindly entering a situation. And it’s not me HE is the one pushing us to move, I am uncertain, hence the questions.

You’re missing the point. Your lack of judgement has apparently catapulted two children into an intense attachment, based on a relationship you now aren’t sure about. They will never see one another again if you break up. This is why parents don’t introduce their children to their new partners and their families!

Right, but like I said, what can I do? It’s done, I can’t rewind time. Yes maybe that’s my error, but it’s not helpful to the question I asked, I can’t change that

I'd wind that right back, especially the nonsense about the children not bearing to be separated.

It's only a year, don't go uprooting your DD and your own life. Doesn't your daughter's dad see her? If you move, you'd be taking her further from her father.

You would be doing all the compromising in uprooting and moving, unsettling your DD and disrupting her relationship with her father. Your boyfriend would be doing nothing except sitting back and letting you and DD carry the emotional burden of moving. Doesn't sound great to me.

Unfortunately her father isn’t close by, due to his change in work circumstances. But yes, I agree with you, it’s easy for him and less so for us, which is why I felt the need for clarity in how he views the future generally. I won’t move her until I know our long term wants are the same, I just don’t know whether to continue in the relationship or for how long

Wait for a bit. A year is nothing. If I was in yours or his position I wouldn’t want to get married either. I don’t believe getting married cements commitment. I wouldn’t want the complications that might arise financially as you both have your own children. I would want to stay separate to ensure my finances go to my child.

I think because marriage is so important to you, long term this won’t work as you’ll feel resentful. This is why I wouldn’t rush into anything now.

Yes and this is my point really, some people want marriage and others don’t and that’s fine, you just need to have your long term goals aligned. I don’t want to marry him right now either, I just want to know that’s my end goal with someone. As we aren’t clear on that, I don’t know if I should continue or leave

@Catsarethebest123 what age are the children? They may be best buddies now but that could well change.

The main point of your post though Cats is wrt future marriage.

Your conclusion, that moving in with him, at the moment, would not be in the best interests of either yourself nor your child, is sound.

He's being evasive, despite you being clear that marriage, in the future, is important to you.

For that alone, you are wise staying in your own home with your daughter.

How long should you wait to address marriage again?

Just be honest, with him that you've decided that you won't uproot your and your daughter's lives to move in unless you feel, he will be able to commit legally in the future.

It would make me somewhat "guarded" about his sincerity though, he should know how he feels and you are not his ex-wife, to me, that's never an excuse not to commit to you.

If he doesn't see marriage in his future with you then he needs to be upfront and honest and you make your decision based on that information.

What do you do? You discuss it! Tell him that marriage is important to you.

I did. And I’ve mentioned the response I got

Thank you ❤️. Yes it’s what I am struggling with now. I feel differently about the whole thing now, because I’m not sure of his intentions or what his sincerity would be, so I don’t know if I should even continue or give it more time (separately)

God I'm hopeless. Sorry! I would be hanging back. It's hurtful when someone doesn't want to commit to you.

That’s ok, long post ☺️. Thank you. Yep, it’s the decision of to even continue or how much time I give it. Not about if he wants to marry me now, but does he see marriage in his future generally with anyone (or me if it goes well 😂)