What to do about different views on the future?

[Catsarethebest123]

Hello all,

I a dating a wonderful man, we have been together for just over a year, he makes me very happy. I have a daughter and he has a son who get along wonderfully and hate being separated. Recently there have been conversations of moving in together, which is exciting for all of us (I would have to move to him due to my own business flexibility).

However, I realised the conversation of marriage has never come up. I don’t mean does he want to marry me, I mean does he see marriage in his future. I quite strongly believe in marriage as a long term goal, I believe it is the commitment to eachother, yes I know there are different ways of showing commitment, but my view is marriage is important (if it works out).

I asked specifying saying I wasn’t referring to us it’s too early, just generally does he see marriage in his future. I should say he has been married before and it didn’t end particularly well. His response was that he didn’t know, and hadn’t given it any thought and felt marriage had failed him before. I do understand that view after a horrible divorce. But I don’t want to uproot mine and my daughter’s life to be someone’s girlfriend or partner for the long term, yes for a few years until we are sure we are the right fit, but with the end idea we would marry. It is just my view that marriage is an important commitment down the line.

so now I am wondering what I do? How long do you give someone to decide if they see marriage again in their future? If in 10 years he doesn’t want to get married, I have wasted my time, not finding the person I need who wants marriage and moved mine and my daughters life. But equally he could decide he does want that. The problem is right now he doesn’t know what he wants in the long term. I think I have made it clear what I need.

what do you do in this situation? I’d like a partner who said. Yes it’s early days for us specifically, but one day i see myself marrying a long term partner, one day i want to be someone’s husband. Help!

A single mum and a child would be very sensible to keep their home just for themselves.

I agree with this. Solo mum myself.

It may be worthwhile spending 1-1 time with him, without the children, if possible.

It's difficult enough for you to process your feelings, even harder if your daughter is becoming attached too.

Good luck @Catsarethebest123 approach with caution. 🌻

I would be looking to understand what his long term goals are. If he's very much not into marriage but does see you and your DD moving into his home as a long term commitment, with a proper plan for this to be forever, then I could probably live with that as long as the financials and security were crystal clear and absolutely not in any way to my detriment.

If however he sees moving in as a bit of a casual thing, easily discarded, and you are in the slighest bit worse off financially from moving in... Id' be questioning things a lot more.

Yes I totally agree with this. I think in my view he says about a future and wanting to be together, but they are just words, it’s easy to say. Which is kind of my point the view that marriage is the ultimate aim one day, gives more security that the level of commitment is high enough for me to want to move.

Given you are divorced, why do you still see marriage as the ultimate? THE commitment? I find this baffling.

& why are you ignoring people asking how old the children are?

You know what you can do?

Slow your roll. Stop talking about moving in. Keep your kid stable in her own home.

There is no way these kids should be so attached after you've been dating a mere year that they cry when separated. That indicates there are attachment issues. You guys should have thought about introducing your kids when you work out the marriage issue or break up, not be rushing moving in with some guy you've only known a year and uprooting your daughter.

If he's not answering you honestly, he's not going to marry you.

Sorry but most men don't think like this. So you've already 'lost'. They just choose a option that's infront of it and weigh it up it up ( as apposed to the imagined scenario of getting him to open up about his 'intensions' ) he dosent have any hence the 'idk'.

Yep and this was my point, I’ve said in other posts I’m not going to move in until this is clear. I’m more questioning now whether I even continue or how long I do before I get the clarity. And yep maybe if he doesn’t know it’s not what he wants.

And by the way I will add, when we first met he did passively say I might want to get married again one day, so I actually had not thought this would be an issue. But it was never a full conversation and the reason I brought it up was to discuss it properly with the idea that I wouldn’t move in and end it if the answer was a definite no

If it’s too soon for him to see marriage in his future, it’s too soon to be uprooting your dd’s life for a man.

Give it a few years. Spend more time together. More holidays. More time living temporarily together during school holidays. See how you both feel then.

I’m not sure. Too soon to see marriage in his future with me….yes, but to soon to know if you ultimately want to get married to someone again or it’s just something you never want to do again. It’s not about me, it’s about his long term goals with a partner, any partner. Because you need to be with a partner whose goals align long term, even if you aren’t sure yet it’s with that specific person.

OP I think you need to be really clear in your own mind about whether he’s the one you want, or whether you want marriage more than you want him, in case you can’t have both.

I’m your DP in this scenario. I can’t definitively say that I will or will not get married to my future partner, as I don’t know how I will feel about it in 5 or ten years time etc.

At the moment I’m 80% sure I’d like to live with him and marry him at some point, but part of me is scared as I’ve suffered the fallout from divorce, and so has he. He ended up suicidal over his last relationship ending, and that responsibility terrifies me. I also love my own space and worry about being overwhelmed living with him full time. He’s wonderful, houseproud and more than happy to do all housework, cooking etc, even though I wouldn’t want him to, so I don’t worry about that side of it. I just feel at peace on my own and don’t need a partner to feel complete. I have had enough of relying on men who let me down, so the idea of being self sufficient is very appealing, although the reality of living alone may not live up to my expectations.

My DP wants to live together and get married asap (we’ve known each other 2.5 years, but only been officially together for half that time, as he has some MH struggles that meant he was hesitant to commit at first). However, he now wants more commitment than I’m able to offer now, and I’m left feeling like the bad guy for putting the brakes on and saying there’s no rush and we should enjoy getting to know each other more before entangling homes, finances and families. I know he would be 100% fair about finances but it doesn’t change that undoing a marriage or cohabitation would cost thousands, so we need to be sure.

The difference is, I’m happy to be with him whatever that looks like, living together, married or living apart and staying over each other’s houses. He is more black and white and says if I won’t marry him he’ll have to leave me and find someone else. That doesn’t make me feel like he really wants me tbh, more that he wants a wife to fill a woman shaped void in his life. Maybe in future that will be me.

I do know that I’m not ready to move in right now. I have grown up DCs, 2 of whom still live with me. I am wary of moving an unrelated man into their home as I just don’t think that’s fair to them. My DP has a teen DS who stays with him every other weekend so there wouldn’t be any blending as such, but for my 19 y/o DD to suddenly have an unrelated pubescent boy in her home every other weekend just doesn’t seem fair to me.

That doesn’t mean I won’t ever want to share a home, but neither do I want to make promises I may not keep. Maybe I’m cruel to keep it going when I’m withholding the thing that he wants to feel secure. But I also have to protect myself and my DCs.

I think it’s a bit unfair to hold him to a decision about your future. Just enjoy the ride and make sure this relationship isn’t the centre of your (and your DCs’) world, so that with or without him you are content.

I think it’s a bit too soon to be pushing him for a decision on marriage so I understand his perspective. I also think it’s too soon to relocate but that’s your upheaval not necessarily his. I personally didn’t want to marry again after divorce but if I met someone who blew my socks off then who knows? I’d want to be really cautious and make sure everything was right. Maybe that’s what he’s doing. My answer to that question after a year with my ex would be the same as your DP’s, or actually more towards a no.

I think you need to spend more time together. See what living together is like in short chunks in the holidays etc. and whether he’s really the right person for you. If he is, would you throw that away? There aren’t that many good men around. You may never meet someone who ticks every box. Compromises may be needed but make sure it’s not just you making them.

I understand what you are saying. But, for various reasons I have to sacrifice a lot of my time to be with him because it’s easier for us. I don’t expect him to know if he wants to marry me, it was more a point of do you want that again with anyone ever, it’s a values thing. And I do think it’s important to understand early if your long term values align, not necessarily with each other but generally so you don’t have disagreements later. And yes there are not that many good men around, but I’m also happy being single, so if I don’t share the same values as someone I don’t see the point. I hope that makes sense. It’s really not about me or us, it’s the shared values/ thoughts over marriage longer term

This is very tricky as he sounds as though he has been massively hurt in the past therefore has probably put himself in the box of never again in respect of getting married. It's also very tricky for you as you are emotionally attached which can really confuse judgement.

I had a friend who was in a very similar boat and sadly the chap just could not bring himself to commit to her, despite saying that he would at some point. Unfortunately It was just too much for him to commit, despite adoring my friend and having a wonderful life together. She stayed with him until his early death however, I know this was a huge source of tension between them. She never felt quite good enough for him. Even when they had a child together he could not commit, such was his fear due to the way his previous marriage ended.

If I was in your shoes then I would slow this all down, especially as there are children involved. I would make it clear that whilst loving this person, for me to take the step to move in with him and the upheaval that such creates for the children, that I would need a commitment to marriage in the future. Until he gets to that point then everyone stays as they are and where they are. You've then laid your cards on the table and hopefully in time he will too (one way or the other). You might also want to put a stake in the ground as to how long you will wait for him to want this too. He doesn't need to know about that parameter, especially as it could make him feel pressurised to run the other way! But I think for your own sanity, you should have in your mind that you'll wait until x time and if convo's of marriage down the line are not met with positively, then your boundary has been hit and it's time to back away and find someone who you can have that with.

Thank you so much. I think this is actually what I will do. It’s not about knowing that he wants to marry me anytime soon, it’s about him seeing a life where he could commit in that way one day in the future. I think I may give it some time now I’ve said that moving would require some idea of a later stronger commitment ie marriage. I can give him time to process that. But it won’t be much time.

If you don’t want to marry him right now, then what’s the point and why move in? If that’s the goal, then don’t make the commitment to move in together until you’re both ready and share the same goals.

I will never marry again. No matter what happens to my current t marriage/husband I will protect my children’s inheritance at all costs. Maybe he feels the same?

No, when we spoke about it briefly I’d already explained I’m not interested in any of the financial aspects of it and that I’d always have legal stuff in place both for my protection and his. So that is clear. From a further conversation now, seems he’s at least currently emotionally unavailable, too afraid to be in that position with someone again because it’s too hurtful

It’s tricky as some people don’t see the abstract idea of marriage as a goal, but once they meet the “right person” they then want it.

I was never bothered about marriage, it wasn’t a goal or something I saw as important to me at all. Then I met my now-DH and suddenly of nowhere it became important.

clearly that doesn’t apply to everyone but it could be similar for some people.

Thus- since you are both divorced you should know that marriage is not a guarantee for happiness.
Why ruin a good relationship because you are so focused on marriage rather than enjoy the relationship, keep your own property move together later on if you wish and see how it develops.

What's the point in getting married these days?