Both of us cheated

[Lorn460]

Hi I need some advice. Me and my partner both cheated on each other 11 years ago. We both have only told each other this April. We have 3 children together. We want to work through this and continue our lives together. We were so young then both under the influence of alchol and it was early on in our relationship. Is this still salvageable. I'm dealing with extreme anxiety and mental health issues due to the fear of him leaving me. I can't be myself around him I'm constantly saying yes to doing things I wouldn't normally say yes too. What do we do ?

Why wouldn’t it be salvageable? You’ve said yourself, it was early in the relationship, you were drunk and you both cheated so why should he leave you for it?

I don’t know why it came up but it sounds like a complete irrelevance to where you are now. You’ve been together 11 years and have 3 children. Stop apologising. Stop doing things you don’t want to do. This is ancient history and irrelevant. Treat it that way. Otherwise you give it an importance it shouldn’t have and you give him a power over you that he shouldn’t have.

What happened in April?

He has always known in the back of his mind I done something and he asked me outright in April and I couldn't lie anymore. I told him the truth. Then my mental health went down hill and I wasn't getting better. He then admitted to me in a huge row that he had done same to me at around the same time I did it.

I guess everywhere I look about staying after infidelity just tells me it will never work and to not even bother trying to rebuild things. Am I thinking into this too deeply ?

It's not even that I'm worried about him cheating again or anything. I'm over that but now I have this huge amount of fear that he could just turn around in a few years time and say sorry I tried but I can't do it and just leave me anyway

I have never, and will never, cheat on anyone. There is NO EXCUSE. I would 100% leave you.

This isn’t really relevant to OP’s situation as both of them cheated.

Nor is it particularly helpful.

It doesn't matter that they both did it. Two wrongs don't make a right. There's no trying to save something that was has the foundation of betrayal, lies, and deceit.

Your current relationship doesn’t have to be defined by this but it seems threatened.

Do you believe he really cheated? Or is he just lashing out?

No wonder you’re feeling low. Can you agree to try to support and forgive rather than take revenge?

I think the pertinant question is why did he ask you in April, why is he raking this up eleven years down the line.

You seem to think he's about to discard you, do you think this conversation is part of that.

If it was a case of moving on already, then you would have done so by now. Has your mh always been poor or is this something new? Anxiety is a beast that is never full, it requires constant feeding and maybe this isn’t about your relationship but more about your fragile mh. Don’t get me wrong, you and your H need to learn to communicate better but I doubt your H is beating himself up about his infidelity.

I think it’s time for professional support.

You feel unsafe and anxious. There could be a couple of reasons for that.

If your reasoning is that many couples don't survive a declaration of cheating then you’d be right, but some do and successfully. What I learnt is that you have to let go of the outcome and move yourself into a situation where you’d do just fine without him. That position puts you back feeling safe. It’s a position of power.

If you’re feeling unsafe because his behaviour is off, he’s not working with you after this disclosure, you’re on high alert, he isn’t acting the same then I’d suspect that his heart isn’t in reconciliation and he pushed this disclosure as a way of eventually getting out. That is not something you can work with.

But regardless, anxiety is born from a lack of safety, work out how you could potentially be safe in your own and you will find your feet again.

There's cheating, and there's cheating. What did you each do? Are we talking drunken kiss, one night stand or affair?
Did you each do similar to one another, or was your cheating "worse"?

Anyone can always leave anyone at any time. If your anxiety leads you to change your behaviour over fear of being left then you need to get some therapy to address that.

Helpful.

It was a ons from me and he slept with her twice

@ForeverHopeful3 You're a dreadful person. Dreadful.

the fear of being left needs to be addressed in general as realistically this could happen to anyone in any relationship, we don’t have control over that. If you live in fear of this you’re not living a normal relationship as you’re likely overcompensating thinking this will make someone more likely to stay, this is at the sacrifice of your own happiness.
id suggest some therapy, maybe for you both

DH and I technically cheated very early in our relationship. He was away travelling for 6 months very soon after we got together and by coincidence we cheated on each other on the same night. We discussed it a few times when he first came back and then it never came up again.

We very much looked forward not backwards in the relationship and we knew that there were reasons and we understood those reasons were due to a specific non long term issue that was now addressed. I can’t say it even brings up feelings for me at all.

Are you in a similar boat that there were specific now resolved issues that mean it isn’t going to happen again. Is it in the past for you both or is there a way it can be or are you holding it over one another?

If so then you can move on if not then you have to fix the issues.

TBH it's because I went on Reddit and it's caused all this anxiety

I’ve just seen your post form July, so your husband let you spend months in the depths of self loathing meanwhile he always knew he’d also cheated, not once but twice! I’d say your feeling of insecurity might be linked to flags in your relationship that you’re not seeing, his lack of honesty at the time you told him about your cheating would make me trust him less than the actual decade old cheating! Does your relationship revolve around his needs largely by any chance?

OK, so - not that these things should be tit for tat - but what he did was worse. If that eases your anxiety a little?
If your relationship is otherwise sound, and nothing further has happened in the 11 years since, it would be a shame to break up a family over this.

so your husband let you spend months in the depths of self loathing meanwhile he always knew he’d also cheated, not once but twice! I’d say your feeling of insecurity might be linked to flags in your relationship that you’re not seeing

That is appalling behaviour by your other half. In our situation we both took immediate responsibility for our part in the situation and never dreamed of holding it against each other. Your husband was looking for power and control not connection with you. He watched your mental health spiral and sat on the knowledge he had done the same thing, did he use it against you as well? That is seriously fucked up.

Yes all my worries is what I have done. My family keep saying your worried about him leaving but he done the same to you what about if you decided to leave but I don't think like that. I say yes to things because I'm scared he will leave me