Both of us cheated

[Lorn460]

Hi I need some advice. Me and my partner both cheated on each other 11 years ago. We both have only told each other this April. We have 3 children together. We want to work through this and continue our lives together. We were so young then both under the influence of alchol and it was early on in our relationship. Is this still salvageable. I'm dealing with extreme anxiety and mental health issues due to the fear of him leaving me. I can't be myself around him I'm constantly saying yes to doing things I wouldn't normally say yes too. What do we do ?

id say you should really seek some therapy, this is a very toxic situation you’re in x

Life is too short, 2014 is a distant memory now. Ignore all of the holier than thou "there is NEVER an excuse" posters. I tend to think these people are a little thick or unable to understand nuance. It was 11 years ago. If you both dwell on once cheating incident that occurred over a decade ago and are still unable to get over it, please pursue therapy as soon as possible.

He slept with someone not once but twice, twice isn't a mistake so i don't see how he can be on his high horse about anything

Why?? Sounds like they’ve been fine - good even, if they have 3 kids - for the past 11 years. It’s often detrimental to not look at the whole picture.

You've obviously not got the right username! My mum was unfaithful when I was 11. She had a 6 week affair. My parents split up ans she moved out for a few months. Lots of therapy and tears later they got back together and have been happily married for the next 39 years. They love each other and it works.
You need a good therapist and be willing to work hard.

so relationships can survive and thrive after infidelity. It’s not easy but it does happen.

but that’s not the issue here cos it was so long ago and kinda tits for tat (literally)

the issue is your partner seems to be a bit of tw@t and is using your own guilt and insecurities to control the narrative when he’s literally twice as bad because he didn’t feel guilty the first time - he went back for seconds. And he’s told you about it out of spite it seems.

stop beating yourself up. You ain’t the only one that’s to blame. He needs to take some accountability too and you both need to work on this together but to be honest if he’s not prepared to do that you should probably call it a day for reason of him being a massive a-hole.

your family sound supportive. Listen to them xx

I think i read your other post op about getting married.
I think your as bad as each other tbh.
Even after 11 years its still there in the back of your mind and his.
Wondering if each other will cheat again.
It not worth all the drama or watching over you shoulder.
The thoughts of will she /he do it again.
Popping up in every argument.
Wouldn't it be better to split move on and learn from it than live with it battling in your head every other day.
Id you can make it work i wish you the best.
But something must be niggling at you for you to come here.

Saying yes to doing things you wouldn’t normally say yes to- this is possibly an even bigger red flag I think. Is he knowingly coercing you and taking advantage of how insecure and unhappy you are?
I would consider ending the relationship over this regardless of the infidelity.

But as I said I don't have all the worrying he going to do it again. He has given me no reason to believe he has done it again since then at all. We both didn't find out what we done to each other until April this year so its all still fresh to us. What I'm struggling with is that he will leave me

Yes this was what I was trying to say but not as eloquently. It’s what stood out for me in the opening post

I have moved on from the past but now I'm stuck with the fear of the future that he will just leave. How do I cope with this. Its not going to be the cheating that breaks us up but this fear and anxiety about the future.

Why aren’t you questioning you feelings and behaviour here? It’s not equal, fair, rational, healthy etc etc

What things are you agreeing to that you wouldn't usually?
Its a bit worrying and sounds like he is using your insecurity to manipulate you

Well, being scared he will just leave is different to trying to get past infidelity, and you say that's apparently not the problem now. Why are you scared he will leave?

He might leave yes. There’s no guarantee he won’t. That’s the case in any relationship, there is never an absolute certain guarantee that one person won’t ever change their mind about a relationship, that doesn’t exist.

I would say therapy, either together or separately,
to help you both work through it but you really have to be able to accept that there’s always a chance a relationship won’t work out forever.

“Lollytea655 · Today 14:31

He might leave yes. There’s no guarantee he won’t. That’s the case in any relationship, there is never an absolute certain guarantee that one person won’t ever change their mind about a relationship, that doesn’t exist.
I would say therapy, either together or separately,
to help you both work through it but you really have to be able to accept that there’s always a chance a relationship won’t work out forever.”

This with bells on. There are no guarantees. Everyone in a long-term relationship is potentially at risk of being left. I am. @Lollytea655 is. You are. It sounds unlikely but it could happen to any of us. Life is not risk free. Make peace with the possibility. Worrying won’t prevent it - in fact, it could make it more likely.

Take your power back.

Do NOT keep apologising to him or try to placate him or agree to things you don’t want. What you and he did is ancient history and an irrelevance. The more you behave like it has present significance and you did something wrong, the more he will think that is the case. And if he’s treating you badly over this, then perhaps it would be better if he did go.

After seeing all your replies, it is very clear that you do not love this man and he does not love you.

Love NEVER betrays one another. I don't care if it happened a century ago. I don't care if you did it ONLY once (HIGHLY DOUBTFUL) and he did it 1000 times because of that.

You need to leave him before he leaves you. But one of you will leave the other so figure out if you're going to be the one to pull the plug.

And next time, STOP CHEATING ON PEOPLE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LOYAL TO.

Way to make someone suffering from anxiety feel better. It is not clear AT ALL from her messages that they don't love each other. You've got massive problems, ForeverHopeful3. Sort yourself out.

Your partner is very manipulative.

You need to seize back your power within this relationship. Why are you scared he will leave you? Does he threaten to leave you? If he has threatened to leave you and he's still here, he's really not going to leave.

This is brilliant advice