Totally let down postpartum by husband

[Unsureofwhatstocome]

Hi all, I (31f) have been married to my husband (33) for 4 years. We had a baby 16 weeks ago who is absolutely wonderful and was very much a wanted addition to our family. Unfortunately I had an extremely difficult labour and birth, over 36 hours and when my daughter was born she wasn’t breathing and had an extremely low apgar score and was taken to nicu. I had a bad haemorrhage and was very unwell following the delivery. Obviously the initial few weeks were very hard but I felt like my husband was supportive. Since about 6 weeks post partum (when he returned to work) the dynamic between us has completely changed. I feel he snaps at me constantly and I admittedly go cold and withdraw into myself. We have been sleeping in separate rooms as he works long hours , so I am in our room with the baby and he is in the spare room. He works five days a week and I do the overnights plus obviously days wjth the baby and then at the weekend we do one night each and have a night off each. The baby doesn’t sleep through the night, but only usually wakes twice. I find it very hard to keep up with all of the cooking/cleaning and maintenance of the house during the day as I want to be engaged and interacting with my daughter. My husband is an only child and has always had everything done for him by his mother , cooking, cleaning etc. Recently I have been asking him to help more with the housework as I feel my mental load is huge and I still have lots to do after the baby has gone to bed to get on top of laundry etc. He does do some things, taking out bins and washing bottles etc when he’s at home but he’s extremely defensive when asked to do anymore. I’ve explained I’m overwhelmed with trying to do so much and I can’t imagine what it will be like when I return to work in 10 weeks time. We had words about this last night and he basically said he can’t and won’t do any more around the house and that he thinks I need to be nicer to him; and stop nagging him. He also said he doesn’t want to be with me at the moment. I was taken aback but told him that I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me, and he is welcome to leave if he wants to. I’m at a loss of what to do. I love him and before this he was always kind and caring but I genuinely feel like I don’t know him anymore.

Can you pay a cleaner?

You had a physically traumatic birth and a mentally traumatic post partum period with your child in NICU.

I would recommend you get screened for PPD and see a therapist. Both the birth and the NICU stay are life crises and your husband isn't being at all supportive right now. He apparently thought that everything would be back the way it used to be after 6 weeks and he's lazy and has a sexist mindset about household work. Does being nicer to him mean sex?

A cleaner is a good idea if you can afford it. I’ve got 3 DC and we get a cleaner 2 hours a week and it’s changed my life.

slow cooker meals are a bit of a life saver when you feel like you have no time for anything

It would help if you used paragraphs.

But basicacally. brought my child up alone.
You can do it with "your village"

You’re both tired. It wont always be this hard. The housework slips during these early days.

I saw a video of when my kids were babies (2&3). My daughter had taken it with our digital camera. It was me cooking Sunday dinner. In the background it looked like a bomb had gone off. Laundry drying everywhere & toys all over. I had forgotten about the chaos of those early days.

Readjust expectations for the housework for now.x

Thank you for your suggestions, no he definitely doesn’t mean sex. He hasn’t pushed me for that whatsoever since having the baby.

I think arguing is normal. My husband and I argued a lot in the first few months after our baby was born, where before it was once in a blue moon. By six months we had settled back to our usual rate.

Ia with the poster saying do less. Your DH is just going to have to accept a temporary slip in standards (unless he fills the gaps). He's not going to die if he has to make himself toast for dinner a few times a week.

Also, my birth was way less traumatic than yours and it still took me about six months before I genuinely felt I had physically and mentally recovered. You need a lot of time to heal.

If you’re going to criticise punctuation, make sure your post is correct.

I've had two DC and in my experience, the first year after both have been total carnage.

My eldest was in NICU and I had PPD probably some PTSD as well. With my youngest, I had huge post partum rage. Definitely agree with the pps who say to talk to your GP / HV about possible ppd for yourself.

I wish we had got a cleaner, so if you can afford it, then go for it. Don't worry about cleaning / mess - 16weeks is still so so early. Focus on your recovery, bonding with baby.

We also bought loads of those Cook Food ready meals and lived off those for a bit so that neither of us had to worry about cooking as well.

I would also say don't make any rash decisions about who leaves who in the first year after a baby. Honestly, it changes so much when baby gets to 12-18months and are a bit more independent, everyone is getting more sleep etc, less ratty with each other.

if you can afford a cleaner then get one. DH will have to suck it up and start pulling his weight around with domestic chores because you can’t do it all on your own.

Also, you’re going back after 10 weeks? Are you putting your 4 month to be in nursery? Not sure that is wise or beneficial for either of you. You need time to rest and heal. Baby needs you as well.sometimes the pressure looming over you for returning to work adds to the stress.

Is everyone else missing that op's husband is the ultimate man child and does nothing around the house except bins and bottles. Has this always been the case? I mean that would've been a deal breaker for me and I would not have married or had kids with such a selfish man. I think that you need to insist he takes responsibility for more, especially if you are going to be working.

His comments about you being nicer to him and not wanting to be with you are designed to scare you at a very vulnerable time into doing everything for him and putting up with his shit. Do not do it. You would be better off without him than being his slave forever more.

If he had had a big accident with large amounts of blood loss and healing to do, plus nary a night’s sleep since (are you breastfeeding? That’s an enormous amount of energy heading out just doing that) and the NICU stress, would he be keeping the house running like clockwork?

No, I thought not.

I did all housework and food shopping when I was a SAHM. It’s about time management. I split the house into 4 areas and did one while baby was napping, so that was 4 days to do the cleaning per week.

Are you missing that DH works long hours and does one night with the baby every week?

Lots of childfree adults work long hours and are more than capable of doing their own laundry and cooking and organising a cleaner should they not want to do their own cleaning. Wives are not a lifelong mother figure to palm off your adult responsibilities on to. Op says she will be returning to work soon as well. Why is she expected to do everything? Because she's a woman?

DH needs to reduce his long working hours in the short term and prioritise his family.

Baby might not nap. Or nap sporadically. Or not nap to a time table. It's easy to manage time when you have a predictable child, but not everyone does. I had one who NEVER slept during the day, from birth and cried pretty much all the time she was awake. It made doing anything very very difficult.

You can’t blame him being an only child, or by implication his mother, for him thinking he’s too good to clean up after himself or treat you like an equal part of a team of two.

I’ve lost count of the number of threads I’ve seen on here by women who were prepared to do it all until she had a baby and then realised, too late, that a man like this doesn’t see you as equal. He’s buying his leisure with your labour and the dynamic isn’t going to change because he’s fine with things as they are.

The blip was him stepping up for two weeks, he’d returned to form. A cleaner might paper over the cracks for a bit but you’ve seen him for who he is now, decide if you can live with that or not. He hasn’t changed has he, he’s stayed exactly the same and only now you’ve got the extra responsibility of your baby can you see it. It’s shit, I don’t have any advice.

I would think about returning to work so soon, OP. Will you really be ready to leave your baby at 4 months? You also sound like you are edging into PPD, speak to your doctor. Y

Your priority is yourself and your baby. That's it. You have no other responsibilities. As long as you and your baby are well and thriving, nothing else matters.

If you go back to work at 16 weeks your H will still expect all his wants and needs catered for by you. Just don't do any of his personal care or clean up after him. He is a grown man. If he wants a servant he needs to pay one, and preferably not get her pregnant.

Start as you mean to go on. Stand up for yourself and your baby. Your H should not be stealing your time away from the baby with his demands. He is stealing his own child's time with its mother away from him/her. And 'be nice' works both ways.

It’s very difficult in these early months OP. So don’t be too hasty with decisions.
Practically speaking, haveyou recovered from the PPH physically or are you still taking iron tablets? What is the plan when you go back to work in 10weeks time? I think your baby will be 6 months old by that time? Things could be different then in terms of baby sleeping better etc, so don’t panic. Are you planning to go back FT? Or PT? FT you need a 50/50 team split with DH unless you’re EBF.

She’s not a SAHM, she’s on mat leave and going back to work in 10 weeks. So his refusal to do anytime around the house is a major, major problem.

The nerve to point out the lack of paragraphs lol.

I recommend a robot hoover

Hope you feel better soon

if you can afford a cleaner get one.

if you can’t stop cleaning or do basic minimum like cleaning cooking space and bathroom.

meals are basic and simple. Jacket spuds and beans etc.

a new baby is hard on everyone. Ideally outsource some of the work if you can afford it if not just let it slide.