Friend and ex boyfriend

[Charredtea]

Aibu? I’m in the process of splitting / have split and ending relationship with my partner.
We still have a lot of love between us but incompatibility in lots of other areas so it is a painful split.
i ended it but it’s taken time.

we have a mutual friend who I thought was being a supportive friend to me through the ups and downs but lately she has been really close to him and instead of the efforts we were making to try and repair the relationship or end in a kind way, I lost faith in it all, he seemed to be sharing a lot with her and she was , I don’t know what, comforting him, his confidante, but I didn’t feel able to have frank conversations with him anymore so I just walked away altogether.

I guess as I’ve ended it it’s his business who he hangs with and what they do so I have distanced myself from her and since doing so she seems to be trying to , I don’t know, bait me, wind me up, I can’t work it out.
Keeps messsging me feeling me whatever her and my ex have been doing, planning, talking about.

i purposely took him off my social media so I didn’t dwell on him but stayed following her as to all intents and purposes she’s my friend but she keeps tagging him in stuff and I stopped following her as a consequence.
they both share a very male dominated hobby and she’s very ‘not like the other girls’ so they’ve bonded over this .

now she has started sending me links to stuff she’s doing with him or has tagged him in, like it’s just funny ‘he did so and so, so I said I’d do x and I’ve just posted it online’ as though I’m missing out on something .

she also put up a post about how jealousy is a horrible trait and she’s shocked that people are jealous of her because they’re meant to be her friends.
no idea if this is aimed at me but the timing fits.
Ive deactivated my socials now because I have hundreds of mutuals between the two of them and I can’t stand the reminders.

i have no idea wtf she’s doing , she’s acting like she’s just trying to keep me in the loop or include me but it’s really freaking me out, I don’t want a confrontation with her but I just want to gauge on here whether I am reading too much into it ?

I’ve started ignoring her now although I need to somehow not be weird as we’ll still meet socially in larger groups but I don’t know what to say to her without saying something that will start an argument.
she asked me why I’ve backed off and whether she’s done something to upset me.

ive told her more than once how heartbroken I am about ending the relationship and how I’ve come off socials because of constant reminders of him, surely she can’t be that stupid or insensitive?

she is incredibly selfish and goes after what she wants, has definitely been interested in my ex in the past and she is fiery and I’m not up for dealing with her weirdness on top of the emotional fallout of my relationship.

she has done similar with other peoples boyfriends in the past linked to their hobby and she says it’s just women being petty ans jealous. I don’t want to be one of those women and in a weird way this experience with her has kind of coloured and changed the end of my relationship which is been hoping to end on a nicer note with the hope of still being friends but the way that she’s moved seamlessly into what was my space with him has made it hard for me to have the conversations with him I wanted to and I just walked away completely as felt a bit embarrassed and awkward

Yep this exactly.

Have you a plan for managing her visit OP. Do you have another friend who could be there to unload the parts?
I think I'd have some phrases encouraging her to unload the parts and talk later.

There's a few options.

1. she's fed up of having the parts lying around and will genuinely bring them back to you so that she can either nosy around or have her "say".
2. She's not genuinely going to bring you all the parts, or will ask for money for them claiming you didn't pay enough, or is just trying to get access
3. She may be trying to negotiate you continuing to employ the idiot on off man and will still withold some of the parts to achieve that. ie he will bring them when he turns up.

What they have done is fraud.

Do you have a list of the parts so that you can check them off.

If he never had the intention of continuing the work, I'd really doubt that he's bought the parts, it sounds like he just kept the money or spent it and then didn't come back because it would involve actually paying for the parts.

Hopefully he did buy them and it will be option one and then you can collect the parts and show her the door. (Have an appointment which means you can usher her out quickly)

But if its the second, could you just agree to him coming back, and once you have all the parts tell him (and her) to eff off forever?

Do you have any receipts from the on off repair man? Could you take him to the small claims court.

Annoyingly all the work and quote was done upfront and paid for properly then these last bits were needed and I just happened to have cash on me that day and because everything else had gone through ok I just handed the cash over without thinking.
of course that’s when everything seemed to go wrong although on numerous occasions when I’ve contacted him he’s confirmed that he has them and then just been a frequent no show.
she contacted me out of the blue about his finishing my job and them both visiting together which i absolutely do not want. As much as she’s hurt me with her carry on and my ex, he has left me high and dry and ghosted me for months.
all I can think is she’s decided to use this job as yet another way ‘in’ to me, I don’t know what else would possess her to take this on on behalf of me or her on/ off fuckbuddy.
its fucking weird.
she says she’s coming en route to somewhere else so I’m praying that she drops and runs , if not I’ll be normal but neutral , I don’t really have a plan of action as such, just thinking smile and nod, tit and teeth, fake it til you make it kind of vibe

There’s other reasons I don’t want him in my house ever again which I won’t go into here but they’re good reasons.
if there’s a chance of getting the parts back I’m taking this easier option of his handmaiden bringing them round and potentially fishing for information or trying to bait me face to face, better than repeatedly chasing him.
if she doesn’t come I’ll just crack on and start afresh with the new repair guy

Hmmm… interesting about the internalised misogyny. I have had some surprising discussions with her about feminism and it honestly shocked me how unenlightened she seems, especially given other things I know about her, it seemed like I was schooling her at times on basic concepts which was really odd.
thank you for your kindness. I feel a big weird and stupid ref coming off all socials, like I’ve done something wrong or need to hide from people but it feels like the only way I have to protect myself, she blindsided me at every step

The whole thing is just weird, I find it all too strange, my ex has ramped up the contact again recently too, and clearly still has ‘feelings’ for me, misses e etc so she still hasn’t achieved her goal yet but obviously is back on with this other guy at the moment who picks her up and drops her at any moment .
i can’t even be bothered to be pleased or proud he’s still interested in me and that they didn’t get together etc because i have hugely moved on from him even if i do still care and love him deep down, i can’t believe he let me feel certain ways about myself and i know now i deserve so much more .
im sure shes still crowing about moving in to my position next to him whether as his best friend/ confidant or otherwise

This all just sounds so unfair. I think the anticipation might be worse than the actual event. And at least once it's done, it's done.

I really hope you can reclaim the parts, and get it finished by someone competent... and then you can move forward as it won't be reminding you. Hopefully she is worried about her reputation.

Ultimately, whatever she comes to "say" will be worthless as you know who she is now. What she thinks doesn't matter any more and after this you won't need to have any contact.

Plan something nice to do after that meeting so you can get it out of your system.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

Thank you, that’s so kind. I at least have the freedom of knowing there’s at least three people who won’t be getting anything more out of me, sex, love, money, friendship, laughter, kindness, comfort, lovely home, etc obviously I wasn’t shagging all three of them but you know what I mean.
I have no idea why she’s suddenly interested in him getting the job finished, I’ve already paid him and he doesn’t need my job so it is either reputation management or she wants another go at seeing if I’ll bite

She came and dropped off without contact . I’m having a lie in, never heard sore and she messaged to say is left in the porch, perfect outcome , at least that bits dealt with tidily.
ex has been sending sentimental nostalgia messages so I’m pretty sure they’re not a thing

Lol he ripped me off but fuck it, it’s a line drawn

Have been following your thread. Sorry these awful people have treated you so shabbily. Other people simply exist to serve their wants and needs.

Have you been responding to your partner? or the ex friend?

I think you fear loss of reputation from a confrontation with either of them which is a fundamental fear humans have so that's perfectly understandable. Grey rock and slow fade are your friends here, it takes all their power away.

Yes I do fear loss of reputation and maybe it’s ill founded, I’m naturally very down on myself which I didn’t used to be (grammar?!) but over the years things have ground me down and I have an inferiority complex which is just awful.
terrible negative self talk, I’d built myself back up by the time I met my ex and was in a really good place for the first time since before Covid days and then my confidence eroded again as the relationship progressed and now I’m back to feeling anxious and sad and old and alone.

I have been responding to my ex because I was having lots of pangs of varying types and intensity then my period came so not sure if it might have been hormonal panging 🫣

I think you can be quite direct without being confrontational here.
The next time she gives you any update about him, don't imply. Just state it "I appreciate that you're trying to keep me in the loop, but honestly, I'm trying to move on and these updates aren't helping me. I would ask you to stop sending me anything that involves him, thanks."

This ^ doesn't imply anything bad intention and makes the message clear. It also contains no threat. After saying this you need no longer ask yourself "she cannot be this stupid right?" and wonder whether it's just the fact that you're on edge with all this making you read too much into things or not. It's spelled out unambiguously and from that point if she keeps sending you stuff it's clear that she isn't respecting what you want. Then you can just mute her from social media so you stop seeing her shenanigans.

Yes I think enough time has passed for me to be ready to have that conversation now should it arise. I felt too wobbly and vulnerable before

I think she might have been worried that the ex might have heard about her builder's treatment of you and wanted to prove she'd done the right thing.

At least you got some of the parts back and as you say its a line drawn and you didn't have to have a face to face with her.

Don't worry about reputations either... your other mutual friends will know that you've said nothing... and most people would think its a big no no to move in on a friend's ex, however they try to style it. Also who cares what they think. People who know you would find it hard to believe I think. You've handled this very difficult situation gracefully and now that you are feeling more yourself can tell them very calmly to shut up and go away.

Stuff the lot of them! Onwards and upwards!

I couldn’t even finish reading your post. You sound like a teenager. Just block them both and move on you’ll be much happier

Thank you 🤩

I feel so sorry for you.
What an awful low life she is.
OP, you sound like a lovely woman and a good friend to have.
You need to seriously work on being a good friend to yourself.

She's a horror and whilst he may be flattered by her, a lovely kind decent woman is more his type despite his passive faults.
He may temporarily welcome the distraction of her in his hurt, thatmis unlikely to last.

She is unhinged. Mentally strong and well people, man or woman, don't behave like this.
It is an indicator of her lack of mental wellbeing that she would behave like this.
You are so wise to back away carefully from her.
Focus on your health and general healing to aid you moving forward.

We are here for you so post away. Putting your thoughts down is great for getting them in order.

I love this, thank you. I’m definitely working through it. I feel so sad at times and then relieved at other times. I am at a low ebb at the moment as a long period of ill health, I’m sure due in some part to this relationship breakdown plus the added stress of her on top but it makes me miss the good parts of being in a relationship. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not my person and despite outward appearances he is not a strong enough person for me and passive in a lot of ways as long as it doesn’t impact his needs being met.
we are different and I certainly tried hard to make it work. I’m sorry it’s ended in such an undignified way due to her sticking her oar in but hey ho, I guess it’s a sign it was not the right thing for me anymore.
thanks for your kind message