Friend and ex boyfriend

[Charredtea]

Aibu? I’m in the process of splitting / have split and ending relationship with my partner.
We still have a lot of love between us but incompatibility in lots of other areas so it is a painful split.
i ended it but it’s taken time.

we have a mutual friend who I thought was being a supportive friend to me through the ups and downs but lately she has been really close to him and instead of the efforts we were making to try and repair the relationship or end in a kind way, I lost faith in it all, he seemed to be sharing a lot with her and she was , I don’t know what, comforting him, his confidante, but I didn’t feel able to have frank conversations with him anymore so I just walked away altogether.

I guess as I’ve ended it it’s his business who he hangs with and what they do so I have distanced myself from her and since doing so she seems to be trying to , I don’t know, bait me, wind me up, I can’t work it out.
Keeps messsging me feeling me whatever her and my ex have been doing, planning, talking about.

i purposely took him off my social media so I didn’t dwell on him but stayed following her as to all intents and purposes she’s my friend but she keeps tagging him in stuff and I stopped following her as a consequence.
they both share a very male dominated hobby and she’s very ‘not like the other girls’ so they’ve bonded over this .

now she has started sending me links to stuff she’s doing with him or has tagged him in, like it’s just funny ‘he did so and so, so I said I’d do x and I’ve just posted it online’ as though I’m missing out on something .

she also put up a post about how jealousy is a horrible trait and she’s shocked that people are jealous of her because they’re meant to be her friends.
no idea if this is aimed at me but the timing fits.
Ive deactivated my socials now because I have hundreds of mutuals between the two of them and I can’t stand the reminders.

i have no idea wtf she’s doing , she’s acting like she’s just trying to keep me in the loop or include me but it’s really freaking me out, I don’t want a confrontation with her but I just want to gauge on here whether I am reading too much into it ?

I’ve started ignoring her now although I need to somehow not be weird as we’ll still meet socially in larger groups but I don’t know what to say to her without saying something that will start an argument.
she asked me why I’ve backed off and whether she’s done something to upset me.

ive told her more than once how heartbroken I am about ending the relationship and how I’ve come off socials because of constant reminders of him, surely she can’t be that stupid or insensitive?

she is incredibly selfish and goes after what she wants, has definitely been interested in my ex in the past and she is fiery and I’m not up for dealing with her weirdness on top of the emotional fallout of my relationship.

she has done similar with other peoples boyfriends in the past linked to their hobby and she says it’s just women being petty ans jealous. I don’t want to be one of those women and in a weird way this experience with her has kind of coloured and changed the end of my relationship which is been hoping to end on a nicer note with the hope of still being friends but the way that she’s moved seamlessly into what was my space with him has made it hard for me to have the conversations with him I wanted to and I just walked away completely as felt a bit embarrassed and awkward

Yes she was in a relationship with someone who didn’t really respect her and she used to get very upset, and incredibly jealous of anyone in his orbit. she’s still on and off with him and she made it clear she thought I was mad to consider ending my relationship because I wasn’t 100% happy and didn’t feel ‘held’ or fully respected myself.

I can pretty much guarantee that every single person in this friendship/hobby circle is now well aware of what she is like. No doubt a couple of the men will take up the opportunity to have a quick bit on the side, but isn't exactly going to endear her to everybody. She will end up with a 'desperate and after anything in trousers' reputation, although I suspect she's viewed like that already.

If she asks 'Have I done anything to upset you?' again, just reply with:
"Whatever gave you that idea? Of course not lol".

Tell her she is being weird & obsessive. The over sharing is coming across as crazy stalker lady

If she pushes things with you demanding to know why you are so distant or blocked her etc say something along the lines of :

‘You know I ended things with XXXXXX for various reasons….
(reinforces he’s your leftovers. She didn’t ‘win’ him in whatever weird competition she has created in her head)

…..and the healthiest thing to do upon breaking up with someone is to create distance for a good amount of time. It allows everyone to heal. And he’s a good guy. I want him to heal and move forward happily…
(this making it about his journey as the dumped. Not yours)
….Your constant conversation about him was not healthy nor helpful. Frankly it was a bit strange. But whatever, I figured it was easier for me to just move on if I didn’t have the constant tittle tattle’

this makes it harder to suggest you are jealous

I’ve told her numerous times I don’t want to do this or see that or read the other or go there to do with him because it’s too difficult, upsetting, distressing etc and she does it anyway.
it feels like a big eff you to me, almost like ‘I’ll be friends with who I want and I’ll share whatever I want with whomever I choose’

ultimately , during our relationship, in particular during the difficult latter stages, he chose to make a connection with a woman who’s known for desperately seeking male attention and was also a good friend of mine.
one has to wonder if there wasn’t an element of malice aforethought from him too.

this is partly why I haven’t said anything to either of them because they might both be seeking a reaction from me, whether independently of each other or not, and I shall give neither the satisfaction of fanning their flames .
they can stew in it.

good bloody luck to them both , if they can keep each other amused without both needing further validation from outside I’d be very surprised.
Although stranger things have happened.
I have seen affair partners go on to live happy fulfilled lives together

As a late 20something I was in a very similar situation. The friend I confided in about my relationship no longer working for me made b-line for my ex within a week of our splitting up. No subtlety about it. She basically ditched me as a pal and started dating him. I grieved the end of the relationship because it wasn’t bad it just wasn’t right and I cared a lot for him but not in the right way. I felt so betrayed by my friend who did the whole victim thing when I turned to another friend upset at the loss of my two supposed closest friends.

It sounds really big headed but he never quite got over me all the time they were together - he had’t grieved what was a very long relationship for that age. Inevitably their relationship ended and they lost touch but my ex and I are still good friends 30+ years on. He’s friends with my partner and knows my kids.

None of that helps you now. Unfortunately you just have to ignore them and get on with your grief and life. It does ease off.

Thank you for sharing. Im not surprised you felt betrayed. So underhanded.
absolutely abhorrent.

it’s really hard or put into words how I feel because nothing’s actually happened really in the scheme of things.
we weren’t doing great together, started pulling away from each other, he got friendlier with one of his friends who happened to be a woman (who has / had a huge crush on him) and I’ve left them to it so to all intents and purposes and to outside observers, it’s not my business what they do now

It’s like a double whammy of loss. I’m sure it will ease off. in a year I won’t be feeling the same as I do now.
at least I hope not.

what a pair of dicks

If she texts again asking what she's done to upset you I'd text back, 'You repeatedly ignored my boundaries, and my requests to NOT keep tagging me into what 'Jack' was up to. There are good and personal reasons why I am trying to distance myself from him and as you refuse to respect my decision I am now forced to block you. I am happy to civil if we bump into each other but I no longer wish to be in contact with you. Best wishes'

Then BLOCK her. It is firmly clear and means you don't have to tolerate her shit any longer.

What’s happening is she’s rubbing your face in it to get a reaction out of you and not let you move on. That’s not nothing.

Yeah I think This is a good idea if she comes up again. I think she won’t know. Well I hope so anyway. I did a fair bit of grey rocking and my last message to her was nice because she had been through something hard but I left it a few days, and she hasn’t replied since.

Yeah I guess you’re right. It’s not nothing. I keep talking myself down from it. It’s the weirdest thing. She’s done it over a period of a few months, I’d say pretty much the whole summer, maybe longer , until the last few weeks when I started really dialling it back.
im ever so polite irl and don’t like confrontation at all

I'd say that she's a 'wolf in sheep's clothing'! She's been your shoulder to cry on, the person you've turned to, when your relationship has been falling apart. All the time, she's just been waiting in the wings, to swoop in and start being a 'friend' to your now ex. She's tagging you into things, simply to rub your nose into the fact that she's now your exes confidant/friend etc. If you confronted her, it would be a waste of time, she'd paint you as being jealous and she's just being a friend to your ex. Of course that's bollocks, you know it, and so do the rest of us on MN! The one thing I will say to you, she's no friend of yours. She's a devious mare, and is very much aware of her behaviour. I would completely distance yourself from her. If she says anything, tell her you're having a break from SM and re-evaluating your priorities.

Thanks for the validation. What an absolute snake! I can’t ignore the fact that my ex lapped it all up too, they’re as bad as each other really , I hundred percent agree she’d paint me as the jealous ex and I think he would too.
I don’t want that title so will just vent on here I think!?

That's not a friend, she's enjoying making you feel uncomfortable.

its the weirdest thing. I hope I’ve never done this to anyone. She has to be sad or hurt or something to do this to people.
I know that in the past she has had some quite serious mental health issues but says she is fully recovered and it was a (long) one off.
there but for the grace of god, say I as I had horrendous post natal depression which affected me for years afterwards and cptsd after a terrifying experience so I can empathise and am non judgmental but this weird behaviour along with a few other things that I’ve noticed is making me wonder if maybe a mental health thing that’s making her be so relentless.
i don’t know, that makes me sound like a bitch, just trying to make sense of it and it doesn’t excuse him really.
perhaps I’m reading too much into it and it is just he was almost available and she wants him.

I don't actually think she wants him. I had this with a good friend (well I thought a good friend) but she started to almost gloat over how close a friend they were becoming with my ex. I too left my ex but it doesn't make it any less bewildering and bloody annoying when friends do this. I also realised that in the past I often didn't get the idea that she was completely on my side as friends should be either. We are now close(ish) again but I must admit I don't trust her completely and don't think I ever will - it's always at the back of my mind.

She definitely fancied him and I’m pretty sure asked him out before she knew we were a couple, and a few times she’s been weird when I’ve said something about ending it with him, as though she thought I was mad, it’s hard to explain, she would often look like she’s holding something back when she’s talking about him.

so I definitely think she does want him but I also think it would take a lot for him to get with her just because he is very superficial and she is not his type in the slightest but in other ways she is the perfect partner for him and seems to have used me as a handbook to him.

its definitely floating but done in such a weird way, checking in, being lovely to me, offering to spend time with me, still sharing her gossip and problems, almost as though he’s just a natural part of the conversation despite my repeatedly putting up barriers around discussion about him and possible social interaction with him .

if it weren’t for my knowledge of her and the actual content of what and how she sections him a less suspicious person might think she’s trying to clumsily get us back together but it’s definitely not that either.

i will definitely not be her friend again, certainly not in the near future and maybe never. Too many things have happened.
she did some weird thing recently about a girl she is jealous of, and told me she enjoyed intimidating her, it freaked me out and has added to my belief that she is purposely trying to make me feel bad

No-one else needs to believe it. You know. You’ve got this.

Now find something much better to concentrate on. She’s living rent free in your mind. Find something good to focus on. She’s nothing, just a wisp in the air.

Thank you, I think it’s getting more diluted in my head now, sharing here has helped I think, I was wondering if I’m just being dog in a manger or something, I don’t want him but nobody else can have him type thing but it’s not true. Maybe in the past because I still love/d him but not now , I know he’s not for me, much as I wish he was

Sounds like she has a problem with other women. Id distance myself from.them both. You can always pick up your friendship with your ex further down the line. This won't last. She won't be around for ever. Yiu need to get on with your life, make some new friends, do some new things.

Thank you this is true. I’ve been Grey rocking for ages.
she was on off seeing someone who was doing me a piece of work and kept letting me down and I’d written it off as happy to get rid of the whole sorry lot of them but it left me quite out of pocket by a few hundred quid by me paying for parts upfront and him never returning .

she’s suddenly announced he’s ready to complete the work after months of nothing from him. I don’t want him back after the way he ghosted me and would often leave her to tell me in a very blunt way ‘he’s not coming now’, no apologies, no attempt to rearrange, I chased him around and in the end wrote it off around the same time I started retreating from her and my ex.

I have arranged for someone else now and to start afresh, but the thought of getting the parts back if nothing else is too tempting to pass up.

I asked for him to just drop the bits off (that were bought for my job before he started ghosting me) but she’s taken it upon herself to drop off the bits to me en route to elsewhere.

i kind of want to put her off but it’s a lot of money to me plus the new labour on top.
so I hope it’s just a drop and run as I’m not in the mood to deal with her rn but it would save me hundreds if I have the parts ready for the new worker…
I cannot cope with any of her crap. Honestly these people

Yes do what you need to do then draw a firm line under it and move on. Lie if you have to. Make up excuses but just get them out of your life and dont cave in further down the line.

Thanks, there was a point I’d completely written it off as a financial loss and utterly pissed off at both their behaviour, not just her around my ex, but her on and off man treating me like rubbish and her sitting by , not only watching that happen but moving in closer on ‘my man’ at the same time.
again, she knew I was going through a lot of stress not only romantically but this piece of work has been ongoing for sometime, I’ve already dealt with some rogue traders and lost a lot of money and time and despite having misgivings about mixing business with friends I was desperate.
going to have to be so chill when she does drop off but not so chill I let my guard down, I cannot deal with any further baiting

This "friend" has a lot of internalised misogyny going on, and it looks like she's enjoying sticking the knife in your back by sending you all those "updates" about your ex.

Good on you for unfollowing and coming off social media so she can't continue to upset you. If she asks you why you've distanced yourself - be honest. Tell her she's an insensitive . And dont worry about running into her at social gatherings. What have you done, exactly?? Your feelings and your reactions to her inappropriate, boundary-stomping betrayal-like behaviour are COMPLETELY justified.

Sometimes, it takes a break up for us to see who our real friends are. She's not a real friend, and anyone else in the group who takes her side can get in the bin as well.

You've got this, OP. Don't let her get you down. Just focus on yourself, and you'll be ok.

She is desperate for a negative response or reaction from you because she needs you to be the villain in this story. It’s frustrating her that you are managing your situation with grace and dignity, because this ruins the narrative that she wants where you are the crazy, jealous ex. This is why, when posting on social media didn’t invoke a reaction, she’s contacted you directly for one. She’s done some foreshadowing with the ‘jealous’ quotes on social media. Don’t give her what she wants, let her have him (if she can). If he’s so basic that his ego would be fed by dating a woman who only really wants him so that she can feel more powerful than another woman then how embarrassing for him.