Husband wants 50/50 custody

[doubleorquitz]

Please help me. I feel so low. I am divorcing and despite being there for my children daily since birth my husband is going to fight for 50/50 custody.

I need some reassurance. I do work but it fits around the kids, I do 9 out of 10 school runs and am at home for every school holiday.

He works a sporadic routine, in various locations, leaving the country at least once a month giving me little notice of his working routine-days, rarely weeks.

Can he seriously win this financially motivated battle? (This isn’t an assumption, it’s true)

How old are the kids, what do they want. Do you think thus is financially motivated.

“My friend agreed to 50/50 on her divorce. It was purely because he didn't want to pay maintenance - which he doesn't have to if 50/50 agreed.”

This is not necessarily true - if there’s a large disparity between parental incomes, one of them may still be required to pay maintenance even if the split is 50:50. The courts will (rightly) take into account what is in the best interests of the children.

His job shouldn't affect him having 50/50 providing he's willing to stick to a routine on which they days they spend with each parent.if his work sometimes falls on the days their with him then he needs to sort out childcare. How he does that is no business of yours.
How do you know he hasn't asked for a more set work pattern on the back of his changed circumstances?
You also say this is for financial reasons.
The same can be said of the resident parent too.
Can you pay your bills on your wage but without maintenance and child related benefits?

I agree with those saying to call his bluff.

Tell him you're glad he is thinking along the same lines as you because you need equal free time to him so you can get plenty of breaks, so obviously the weekends will need to be evenly split to give you the chance to get away and meet new people.

Tell him it will be such a relief to only be responsible for half the school runs and half the weekly expenses.

Tell him the routine will need to be set in stone as you all need to be very clear on what to expect and when - last minute arrangements and changes won't work for anyone, we all need to know where we are don't we [tinkly little laugh]

Ask him what split of time he proposes - week on week off perhaps so it's nice and simple? And you'll be Very Busy on your free weeks so it will be great to be able to plan things well ahead.

He doesn't need to be available 50% of the time he needs to make sure a responsible adult is.
That could be a nanny, a childminder, nursery or family member if he has to work during his time with the children

I’d agree to a 1 month trial, with a view to doing some sort of meditation etc afterwards.

Sort a schedule, based around your work rather than his, and then do absolutely nothing on his days. No school runs, no uniform washing, no lifts to clubs etc etc. And absolutely don’t pay for anything on his days - no dinner money, no food.

After a month I think he’ll be much more amenable to a more sensible split.

If you know it’s financially motivated, and if this was me, I would say fine, don’t pay any maintenance, I just want the kids to be based with me majority of the time. It would be a struggle, but having my child with me would far outweigh the benefits of any financial contribution. This is just me though, and I know others will think differently.

All of this plus have arrangements in place for mothers day, fathers day, christmas, easter, birthdays and going on holiday.

Would it outweigh the benefits of a fathers financial contribution to the children’s upbringing? For their hobbies / interests / birthdays / days out etc?

Why be so cruel to his children. The op is available and the children seem in a good routine. Why change all that and leave them with childminders when they have a loving parent in op

Well you do mediation first anyway.

Write your plan for his contact.
Ask him to write his.

Take differences to a mediator.

If you cannot iron them out you go to court and a judge does it.

Standard is he picks them up Friday and drops them off Monday.
One night in the week. You won't be treated kindly for suggesting anything less, unless of course that is not logistically possible.

He can use childcare though.

If the childcare is family court will back it. If the childcare is paid strangers you can argue for that to be your time.

I agree with this!

Make it very clear you can't WAIT to have 50% of your time completely to yourself with no school runs, meals and heating costs, childcare costs, etc.

Book in some mediation pronto and be very very child focused and also very clear about your boundaries of during "his time" you won't be doing school runs, providing childcare, dashing to school with forgotten items, clothing and feeding, doing laundry, etc. That obviously a fixed routine will be best for the children so there won't be any chopping and changing.

Ask him if he has plans in place for his working pattern and providing care and stability for the kids during his large chunks of time abroad.

Once he's added up childcare costs he may be more amenable to paying child maintenance. Unless he's got an enabling mother waiting in the wings, or has already lined up a young "nanny with a fanny" girlfriend. 🙄🙄🙄

I also said he may be changing his work hours to be more convivial with 50/50 but you've not shown that.
Using nannies and family is not cruel.
Maybe the children would like 50/50 - they're not going to have their dad around like he is at the minute for much longer.
They both need to make sure that whatever happens its what the children want. Not because dad doesn't want to pay mum or mum has made the kids feel guilty they can't do 50/50 because she would be upset.

@DorothyStorm whobsays he’s a shit dad.

he works ft allowing op not to. Not that relationship has changed so will the arrangents. Dad can have more child responsibilities and op will need to work ft

How old are the children and does he have family who cover for him? Both very relevant to how viable his idea is. Are you still living together? Can you start immediately as a trial run to see how it works. Every other week he does everything and pays for everything.

This.

They rarely really want that. They just want to keep you anxious and not pay CM.

@user892734543544 Standard is he picks them up Friday and drops them off Monday.

Is it standard that one parent doesn't see their kids every weekend? Seems shit, leaving the school drudgery to the woman.

That was my experience as well.

Before the split they were co parenting , no reason to believe he won’t step up when necessary , it hasn’t been necessary before .

50/50 can work but you need to be very clear with him about what that entails. Go through the matters below with him. (If he’s not willing to take time to do this, 50/50 will not work.)

Yoy need to clarify what the plan is- one week on, one week off? If not, what?

You both need to live close to the school and fairly close to each other. What’s the plan for this?

If he works full time, you need to know exactly how the kids will get to school & back in ‘his time’; & he needs to appreciate he will be responsible for this. What’s his plan? What’s his back up? You’re not going to be stepping in if eg he needs to work late one day.

You both need to accept that you need be able to communicate with each other regularly & in a constructive way- otherwise kids will be regularly exposed to unpleasantness.

Kids will need duplicate equipment and school uniforms at each house so they are not packing up each week. He needs to buy everything needed at his end. When will he do this? Does he know what to buy?

He needs to supervise homework during ‘his time’ & transport kids to weekly clubs & to visit friends & to dentist, doctor etc. If he’s not prepared to do this, kids will be at a HUGE disadvantage educationally & socially. This REALLY matters.

He needs to be prepared to build relationships with the school & be fully engaged with progress reports , conduct issues etc.

He needs to be on top of things like PE kit and school events that take place in ‘his time’. This means reading school newsletters & if applicable joining parents’ WhatsApp group.

He will need to do kids’ launtry ironing etc when with him, & deal with cooking for them & (if needed) packed lunches. They won’t just eat pizza.

The system set up needs to be consistent, reliable & diarised well in advance. He can’t chop & change his days/weeks - except in case of eg real medical emergency.

You need to know that he will be at home in ‘his time’, not abroad. He will lose the opportunity to make unscheduled work trips.

From what you have said it sounds unlikely that he will have the discipline to make it work. But it can.

I wouldn't react negatively to it, but ask him how he saw this 50/50 break down. And then start the schedule from now. See how he gets on. However, i would make it clear that you will Not be able to stand in on his days that he cant make due to work etc. See how that goes.

Something I have seen is that controlling people often use 50/50 as a threat and a way to hurt their partner rather than actually wanting 50/50.

If you show any reluctance for him to have 50/50, then he will push for it more. Many of these types suddenly decide 50/50 isn't for them when they see their ex getting a job, going out with friends etc. and they end up having very little contact with their children (unless they have a new partner to impress).

I agree with those who say if he thinks that you would enjoy having all
that time to yourself while he parents he will probably change his mind.

So play it that you’re not bothered and ask for his proposal.

Ex and I do 50/50. No maintenance either way as most costs are split or I pay for one club ex pays for another. Has worked well for years but ex is a good father, just wasn't a good husband