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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I wrong to be annoyed

28 replies

nursegirlfriend · 19/09/2025 11:38

So my bf (31) is having a boys night in a couple of weeks which I (35) am not invited to. Now normally that wouldn’t bother me however today I found out that the person arranging said boys night has invited other gf’s. When I brought this up with my bf, he defensively shouted me down saying that it wasn’t his decision to invite other gf’s and he knows nothing about it. My bf hasn’t offered to clarify the situation which leaves me feeling a bit pushed aside. Whenever I have tried bringing it up, my boyfriend looses his temper and says I’m accusing him of something. I don’t know what to do because I need answers and I’m not getting any. Do I message the friend myself and ask why I am not invited? Should I just leave it and sit at home by myself whilst they all go out?

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 19/09/2025 11:39

No, you go out with your friends.

SepticPegsSepticLeg · 19/09/2025 11:40

31 and 35? Christ.

Whenthetimeisright · 19/09/2025 11:43

Well i think I would be wondering why he is so set against you not going on their night out.
Could he possibly have asked someone else to go with him?

Ilovepastafortea · 19/09/2025 12:04

'he defensively shouted me down'

'Whenever I have tried bringing it up, my boyfriend looses his temper and says I’m accusing him of something.'

I'd be more concerned about him dealing with a potential conflict situation by shouting down and loosing his temper rather than discussing your concerns.

Huge red flag as far as I'm concerned. You deserve better.

You don't say if you live together, but the fact that it's a boy's night in suggests that you don't. Either gather a group of friends together (male and female) and go out or get a few bottles of wine, some nibbles and have a girl's night in -preferably with your female friend's partners invited.

Personally I'd have walked if a BF had shouted me down and lost his temper when I asked a reasonable question.

Lollytea655 · 19/09/2025 12:05

Go out with your own friends?

Coconutter24 · 19/09/2025 12:41

Do you know the other girlfriends? Maybe he just want a night out with his friends. When you say he shouted you down, is that because you have this situation a lot he goes out and you want to be invited and he’s fed up of the conversation or is this the first time this has happened? Call your friends or organise something for yourself, if he hasn’t invited you or asked the person who decides invites then he’s not that bothered about you going…. Which is ok

UpDownAllAround1 · 19/09/2025 12:47

Just go out with your friends

Meandmyguy · 19/09/2025 13:20

No biggie.

Just do your own thing.

Lurkingandlearning · 19/09/2025 13:35

Well, now you know that he doesn’t mind you being excluded from a night out when other GFs are going. He’s ok with you not being part of his friendship group. And if you ask questions he doesn’t like, he will shout you down, twist your words and refuse to answer you.

Being excluded wouldn’t work long term for me. But I would not tolerate his reaction to you asking why you’d not been invited. If he can’t have a calm conversation about something that he says isn’t important how on earth will he behave when there is a problem?

RappelChoan · 19/09/2025 13:37

I will no longer be in any relationship where someone loses their temper. Life is too short.

ButSheSaid · 19/09/2025 13:38

Never date a man who shouts you down and chooses to lose his temper.
Dump him and enjoy life.

LizzieSiddal · 19/09/2025 13:40

Agree with others, that fact he’s listing at you when you’re asking a perfectly valid question is a massive red flag!

Does he shout at you and shut you down at other times?

LizzieSiddal · 19/09/2025 13:47

Apologies in my last post “listing” should be Shouting.

JadziaD · 19/09/2025 13:52

So it's not a boys night at all? It's a group of friends evening out, with both sexes. Are you friendly with these people or is it a case of they are a mixed group of friends, some of whom happen to be dating, who have been friends for 10000 years? DH has a group from his post-grad days who are mixed male and female and they get together and I am not invited, nor are other partners, except once a year or so. That's fine. Totally different if he went out with Max, Jack and Pete and Max and Jack's wives were invited.

Personperson · 19/09/2025 14:07

He is allowed a night out away from you.

Find something to do!

Zucker · 19/09/2025 14:45

Go out with your own friends. Although having said that, I'd be throwing him back for shouting at me for asking a simple question. He's shouting because he knows why you haven't been invited and he's in an awkward position between you and the friend.

How long are you together?

Ilovepastafortea · 19/09/2025 14:52

RappelChoan · 19/09/2025 13:37

I will no longer be in any relationship where someone loses their temper. Life is too short.

We've been married for 42 years. In all that time DH has never shouted at me and I've never shouted at him. Yes, we've had disagreements and arguments, but always without shouting. There have been times when DH or I have become frustrated because we can't see the other's POV, in which case one of us would take the dog for a walk to calm down and come back to the house able to have a discussion.

I'm thinking of the time when he wanted to sell the house, sell his car, use all our savings & take out a huge loan to set up his first business (this was the 1980's so equivalent to investing about £1m in today's money). We had days of heated discussions (well evenings as we had 3 DCs under the age of 5 to get fed & in bed before we could discuss) - the poor dog never had so many walks LOL! I'm sure it takes no imagination to work out that I was worried about losing everything leaving us destitute. DH was determined that he wanted to buy this restaurant & certain that he could develop it. There was a 3 bed flat above that he wanted us to move into. He presented me with business plans, income forecasts we sat outside the restaurant watching the number of people who stopped to look at the menu when it was closed, ate in there many times with him whispering how he would improve the menu, set up a takeaway outlet at the back, pointing out that it was in the town centre, on the main route through town with lots of parking, only open 4 nights a week, whereas he would open 7 nights and lunchtimes.... etc

In the end I said that I would leave him with the DCs if he failed, but go ahead as he wouldn't have been happy if he hadn't. Well, he came up trumps & paid off all loans, mortgage etc within 3 years.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/09/2025 14:57

I'd be wondering why you're not invited if other girlfriends are to be honest. I wouldn't go regardless now especially as your BF doesn't seem bothered, but I'd want to know why

Ilovepastafortea · 19/09/2025 15:05

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/09/2025 14:57

I'd be wondering why you're not invited if other girlfriends are to be honest. I wouldn't go regardless now especially as your BF doesn't seem bothered, but I'd want to know why

OP seems to have asked that but was 'shouted down'.

Sounds like he's up to something dodgy IMO.

I'd also not stick with a man who 'shouted me down' rather than have a sensible discussion. He's only her BF doesn't seem to be a live-in partner.

I'd be running for the hills thanking my lucky stars that I'd had a lucky escape.

Ilovepastafortea · 19/09/2025 15:05

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/09/2025 14:57

I'd be wondering why you're not invited if other girlfriends are to be honest. I wouldn't go regardless now especially as your BF doesn't seem bothered, but I'd want to know why

OP seems to have asked that but was 'shouted down'.

Sounds like he's up to something dodgy IMO.

I'd also not stick with a man who 'shouted me down' rather than have a sensible discussion. He's only her BF doesn't seem to be a live-in partner.

I'd be running for the hills thanking my lucky stars that I'd had a lucky escape.

MaggiesShadow · 19/09/2025 15:09

If the other girlfriends are friends, then I suppose that makes sense?

Honestly, the reasons why aren't that much of a concern. He is right in that it's not him excluding you. He's been invited to a boys' night and has accepted the invitation. (Though, how is it a boys' night if there will be girlfriends there?)

The much, MUCH more prevalent issue is him shouting at you for asking. Is he usually that shouty and if so, why on earth do you put up with it? If that level of aggression is unusual, I'm afraid it would have me wondering why he's so defensive to the point of acting out of character.

Ilovepastafortea · 19/09/2025 15:26

The much, MUCH more prevalent issue is him shouting at you for asking. Is he usually that shouty and if so, why on earth do you put up with it? If that level of aggression is unusual, I'm afraid it would have me wondering why he's so defensive to the point of acting out of character.

I totally agree with you MaggiesShadow my concern is that this is totally IN character. If this is the way he deals with any push-back or disagreement, he's an abusive person & OP needs to get rid ASAP.

As I've said in previous post, DH & me have never shouted at each other in 42 years - but boy, have we had arguments - as every couple has.

My parents used to have slanging matches, where my mother would throw things, scream & shout (not only at my DF but sometimes at us children) my father would shout back, my brother and me would hide in a large cupboard upstairs & be scared to come downstairs. I used to keep a stock of biscuits upstairs (stolen from the cupboards) so that we could stay upstairs indefinitely.

I was determined that I would never subject my DCs to that kind of tyranny.

DH naturally gets quiet when he's angry, I've never heard him shout at anything or anyone other than his iPad or his phone when it doesn't do what he wants - then he turns into Victor Meldrew 😂

Ilovepastafortea · 19/09/2025 15:33

Nothing back from OP. Wondering about her reaction to the advice she's been given.

JLou08 · 19/09/2025 15:42

You shouldn't be bothered about him going out without you.
He shouldn't be shouting you down and losing his temper.
The relationship sounds doomed, just end it if you don't have any joint commitments.

Omgblueskys · 19/09/2025 15:50

Op i think yourbf should decline offer due to you being excluded and say, ar thanks guys but as ' sara' not invited and other gf are will give it a miss, am taking sara out in stead,

Not sure howling you have been together but I feel this would be rude of him to go , obs if its just boys that's different but its not,