Practical advice for leaving abuser

[Maat13]

Hi everyone,
I am in the planning stage for leaving a non-violent abusive marriage with my two kids (ds (4) and dd (1)). Myself and husband have a court hearing on Wednesday for a Safety Order and Barring Order (Irish legal terminology), basically Safety Order lets him stay in the house whereas Barring Order removes him. I am doubtful the Barring Order will be granted so am planning to leave as the situation is intolerable and I am really concerned about the effect on our 4-year-old especially. I've found other accommodation for the short/medium term, have arranged new childcare for the kids, will have a longer commute to work but it's doable and will be closer to friends and family, so all good on that front.

I'm really asking about post and bills in the house. I currently pay everything, everything is in my name and all direct debits come out of my account. Husband has refused to contribute in any way since before I said I wanted to split, now saying that 'why would I give you money when you want to split up?' House is in my name but as we are married is considered 'a shared asset' although hopefully not 50/50.

Judicial separation/divorce proceedings were meant to issue in August but my folder with documents went missing mysteriously so I need to replace first birth cert, then passport and then marriage cert (we got married in his home country which is in the EU). Currently waiting for replacement birth cert (I was born in England but am Irish) so the process is moving but there will be a few important letters I don't want to miss in the coming months. Have already applied for new passport and they are waiting for my birth cert before they will start replacing it but I've already given my current address unfortunately.

Rrgarding bills etc, do I need to keep paying them? I'm worried that if I stop he will put things in his own name which will give him more of a claim to the house/a bigger portion of it. I have a solicitor and she is good, but she's focusing on the immediate next steps, ie court hearing on Wednesday and the Protection Order I currently have in place. Btw, protection order is fairly useless because he doesn't act directly aggressive or threatening,he barely talks to or looks at me, it's all creepy insidious stuff. I tried to report a breach of it on Monday and the guards (police) still haven't decided whether it constitutes a breach or not. So it's no good to me really. And there's no way of getting him out of the house apart from Barring Order.

I tried to keep that short but didn't manage very well!!

Any advice or suggestions welcome, thanks!

In England you can have your mail redirected by the Royal Mail. This seems to be the equivalent service for Ireland. https://www.anpost.com/Post-Parcels/Manage-Your-Post/Arrange-Redirection

With your current bills, you just tell them youre moving house and they transfer with you to new address? But if the house is yours, why are you leaving? He needs to leave ideally

i know your solicitor has a lot on but you need her advice on this as well. Thats what youre paying them for

Yeah, I just can't get him out of the house. There is no way aside from a Barring Order. the more he knows I'm suffering or upset, the happier he is. He messes with our son's head to get to me. If I say his behaviour will damage our son he says that I have done that by wanting to split. There is no reasoning with him. But yes, will ask solicitor again. She might be more open now that I'm clearly trying with the order that's in place

Op can you go to post office and get your mail redirected to your new address as in important documents, they will redirect them for a small fee, you can set this up for 3/ 6 months, once you move inform all utilities of move and remove your name of those bills,

If the house is in your name why can you not get him out? Surely it is as simple as changing the locks? He only has rights if his name is on the mortgage or title deeds. One of my neighbours was in a similar situation and rang the gardai who took her and the kids away while he was asked to pack up and was escorted off the property dropping his keys into the letterbox till she got back and changed the locks. He has no rights over your home and you should not be made homeless because of him, nor should the kids.

Also a judicial separation will cost you a serious amount of money and he will not comply as you know so apply for a divorce asap. I never went down the JS route myself went straight for divorce although it took a long time but ex moved out and never came back nor did i allow him back and his name actually wwas on the mortgage and deeds at that time. We had no kids though.

I am sorry that you are going through this.
Have a talk with one of the domestic abuse charities - they have lots of practical advice in these situations. I'm sorry, I would put the link up but my computer is being very silly this morning!
Re-direct the mail
Contact the companies themselves and ask for your new address to be added - they wont usually remove a name on the account unless you provide proof that he no longer lives there or you have his permission to remove him. Some do, so perhaps worth a try?
The other angle, with utilities and council tax and similar is, once you are no longer living there is to contact them, explain the situation and that you will only be paying half?

Solicitor - ask them for advice. You employ them to help you so use them.

I do agree with the other poster in that he should be moving out and not the little ones being uprooted. But I understand the reasoning behind that. It is sometimes much better for your own sanity and the children's well being that you refuse to play his games and just go.

I'm sorry - not much help really but good luck with it all.

Ok, wasn't sure if changing the locks was possible legally. Also just with timing I can't apply for a divorce till next August. He will of course delay and obstruct every way he can.

Do please take advice from women's charities like Women's Aid (not sure of the resources in Ireland). Also speak to and take advice from the Domestic Abuse specialist officer at your police department. (Again, assuming you have this there.)

My advice to you is to speak up, do not be ashamed, pour as much light as you can on the abusive behaviour you and your children are being subjected to. Tell trusted family and friends as you will need all the support you can get.

Prioritise your safety. Again, ask for advice from all agencies. Tell the school what's happening.

Start removing important things from the house. Paperwork, precious personal things, etc. Store them with friends/family or get a small storage unit. You can do this piece by piece or say you're dropping donations at charity or doing a dump run.

Put money away if you can. Change all your passwords. Open a new bank account. Have your mail forwarded elsewhere.

Keep your nerve. Look after yourself and preserve your strength. And remember - you are not alone. Many of us have been where you are and come out the other side.

Sending solidarity.

Thank you so much to everyone for the advice. Xxxx

Well if he has no claim on the house as in not on mortgage or deeds then he has no rights to be there. If it is your home then he can fuck off with himself but obviously I know it is not as easy as all that. Go to askaboutmoney.com as they will definitely have information on there, they helped me when I was going through divorce etc. And yes he wil lie and obstruct things, they always do when they realise that is the only control they have. Not easy at all and sorry you are living this experience.

Ask your bank to put you through to their Domestic Abuse staff.
As far as I know they have them now.
Also, his refusal to pay for anything is financial and coercive abuse.
Coercive abuse is a crime now.
Look at it carefully and tell your solicitor and the police anything that ticks for you.

We are here for you.

I think some advice above is incorrect. I'm not sure what the terminology is in Ireland but in England the spouse would have home rights/right to occupy. I think it is similar in Ireland. I believe the order you mentioned would be required.

Much better to talk to Domestic Abuse organisations, advice services or solicitors than to ask on here... You may be given the wrong advice.

Yep. Not easy but not a unique situation unfortunately. Was onto solicitor earlier and she said 'very sorry but there's nothing legally that can be done to get him out, except the Barring Order. I can't advise you to do anything illegal....' and said she would represent me if I did.

Tbh he wouldn't know what hit him if I changed the locks, I've always been such a nerd for rules whereas he prides himself on being streetwise.

When he is out of the house you could "lose" your keys, get the locks changes, not give him a set and tell the fxxker to takeb ou to court.
It would give you peace.

It is most def coercive control, emotional abuse, financial abuse, this is all in my whatever you call the initial court document for separation/divorce. I've been keeping a journal for the best part of a year. At least the horrible years of doubt and paralysis are over

Oh yeah, deffo. But getting different advice from strangers on the internet is helpful too, and stops me boring and/or worrying friends and family! Sometimes a different perspective helps you realise what really is best for your situation

Oh mate what an awful situation you're in. Sounds like youve got as much covered as can be, and winds me up that youre having to jump through hoops just to get safe.
Get your post redirected but also call the companies. Speak with them and explain the situation and that you're leaving an abusive relationship.
Most companies (including utility companies) have a duty of care to customers especially ones in vulnerable circumstances like yours, and may be able to help.
Best of luck with court. Hopefully you get the order you need to get him out of the house x

Yes of course, talking about it is a good thing. I was mainly worried about you being given incorrect legal advice. But otherwise I agree it's good to be able to share what's going on and talk to people about it.

Thank you so much. I have been lurking on MN for around 3 years as it started dawning on me that things were not ok. There are so many supportive, kind and sensible people on here!!

You know if he's abusing your son that's a crime right?

I can't remember the specific name but turning the child against you is a crime in the UK I think so maybe in Ireland too. It's got a specific name (is it parental alienation perhaps? I can't remember). Record him without him knowing, behaving that way or admitting to it.

It's so sad as personality disorders often form around age 2-4 as a result of trauma/abuse. Maybe get your little boy into some sort of therapy if possible to help him through this.

Having been in a similar situation before I completely agree with you! Take some strength in other people's experiences and know that you're not alone. You are being very pragmatic and are the epitome of ducks in a row - please keep us updated on how you get on x

Yes, it is completely terrifying. Parental alienation is the name here too. Trying to journal it all, recording is trickier as it's not loud shouting or whatever. Play therapy needs both parents' consents unless ordered by the court. So yes, trying to pursue that too. Husband(ex! Need to train myself to call him that!) was away for 3 weeks in his home country, got back a week and a half ago. The difference in our son while he was away was incredible. So there is hope. A few more weeks hopefully.

Ahhh thank you. I will definitely update after Wednesday. Thank you so much to you and everyone. Feel so lucky to be alive now and not decades ago xxx

Oh and before I get credit for being organised or anything, I tried to leave him two years ago and made a total balls of it. I ended up paying for him to live elsewhere for a few weeks, I also got totally taken in by the apologies and love bombing and he was back in the house within 2 months. So this time the process has been so much slower and more painstaking but I won't be put off. He's also stopped lovebombing lol