Practical advice for leaving abuser

[Maat13]

Hi everyone,
I am in the planning stage for leaving a non-violent abusive marriage with my two kids (ds (4) and dd (1)). Myself and husband have a court hearing on Wednesday for a Safety Order and Barring Order (Irish legal terminology), basically Safety Order lets him stay in the house whereas Barring Order removes him. I am doubtful the Barring Order will be granted so am planning to leave as the situation is intolerable and I am really concerned about the effect on our 4-year-old especially. I've found other accommodation for the short/medium term, have arranged new childcare for the kids, will have a longer commute to work but it's doable and will be closer to friends and family, so all good on that front.

I'm really asking about post and bills in the house. I currently pay everything, everything is in my name and all direct debits come out of my account. Husband has refused to contribute in any way since before I said I wanted to split, now saying that 'why would I give you money when you want to split up?' House is in my name but as we are married is considered 'a shared asset' although hopefully not 50/50.

Judicial separation/divorce proceedings were meant to issue in August but my folder with documents went missing mysteriously so I need to replace first birth cert, then passport and then marriage cert (we got married in his home country which is in the EU). Currently waiting for replacement birth cert (I was born in England but am Irish) so the process is moving but there will be a few important letters I don't want to miss in the coming months. Have already applied for new passport and they are waiting for my birth cert before they will start replacing it but I've already given my current address unfortunately.

Rrgarding bills etc, do I need to keep paying them? I'm worried that if I stop he will put things in his own name which will give him more of a claim to the house/a bigger portion of it. I have a solicitor and she is good, but she's focusing on the immediate next steps, ie court hearing on Wednesday and the Protection Order I currently have in place. Btw, protection order is fairly useless because he doesn't act directly aggressive or threatening,he barely talks to or looks at me, it's all creepy insidious stuff. I tried to report a breach of it on Monday and the guards (police) still haven't decided whether it constitutes a breach or not. So it's no good to me really. And there's no way of getting him out of the house apart from Barring Order.

I tried to keep that short but didn't manage very well!!

Any advice or suggestions welcome, thanks!

@Maat13 we all have done that, it takes several attempts to finally leave and I'm glad you're strong enough to go now! They certainly don't make it easy for us, as in your case. But I'm glad you're going to be free of him and safe and again I'm so sorry it's a slog and I'll be thinking of you at court x

Ah thank you. Yes, it's all a process. You definitely get stronger over time, it takes as long as it does. Will be in touch again xxx

not sure where in ireland you are but have you friends and family nearby? no chance he wants to go back to his home country permanently by any chance? i mean some of us would help you get him a one way ticket if so!

Around 30/45 minutes away from friends and family. If we move, new accommodation is back up beside my people. But where we are is grand, when he is not here! It was heaven when he was away!!! I thought he might just stay away but in true bad penny style, back he came. He's on the dole which won't last forever but for now he has a grand life despite his constant moaning.

Hi everyone,our case was adjourned for 4 weeks because he showed up without an interpreter. I was expecting this tbh. He has a solicitor, unexpected! All fine, I've another day off work in four weeks time, happy days. So there are a few more weeks of survival mode but I really feel an end is in sight.

Also, my replacement birth cert arrived today, so I can send that to the passport office asap. And then can apply for a new marriage cert to keep going with separation proceedings. So it's all good.

You can get your marriage cert for 20euro off the hse.

You can get advice from multiple domestic abuse helplines. I work in a refuge for women fleeing. My charity offers outreach services in our area, so it might be worth looking at that. It's also important to remember that you can get legal aid for things that are DA related.
I strongly encourage you to find help from an organization that specializes in domestic abuse, it is a traumatic experience to go through, not just for you but for your children and family. There are people out there that can give emotional support and guidance with things like housing and legal issues.
There are things that perpetrators do later that are still controlling, and that isn't to scare you just to make you aware. If you get the support now it will be easier to access support if you need it in the future.
We never turn anyone away at my organisation, and always try and get them the support they need for their situation.

https://nexusni.org/helpline/

@Smoorbs she is in Ireland, getting legal aid for anything here would take forever.

We gpt married in his home country and he took my passport and birth cert too. Birth cert needs to be replaced before passport before marriage cert.

Yes, I am linked in with DA services here. Just getting extra perspectives here, from people who have experienced it rather than professionals. Obvs professionals can be survivors too, but not always

Yrs. Much better to get qualified advice, rather than random strangers guessing at what life should be.

ah shite sorry thats harsh like. If i can help in any way let me know, I am leinster based if that helps. He sounds like a right shitehawke.

Ah thanks mrs. I'm in Leinster too. No help needed except gettting him out of the house. Or a decision from the court that he won't be, meaning we need to go.

So maybe a time machine lol.

God I hate the weekends. But there are only 4 more weekends to get through before limbo is over. Yes I try to get out of the house as much as possible. But in autumn/winter with two smallies it's hard. Especially coz he's just sitting around and ds wants to stay home too so

Well if you need an alibi you were with me the whole time ;)

How you getting on so far this weekend?

Gettin there. At least the rain has stopped!!

@Maat13 we had dealings with court services re barring and safety orders and it can be hit and miss.

One judge was excellent granted a safety order to a non parent family member, the other judge was a complete and utter tosser whom I’d suspect was more similar in nature to the abuser than the victim with the absolute foolery that came out of his mouth.

We found the guards were bloody brilliant and you probably have already dealt with them getting an interim order and in spite of the safety order not being awarded by the tosser judge the guards behaved as though there was one in place when they were called and told us they would. So keep that relationship as good as you can.

Focus on the advice from DV charities as they have good awareness of the lie of the land and this is just a stormy part you need to ride out. Things definitely got better over time in our situation.

Thank you so much. Yeah it's mad how much depends on the judge. I'm so lucky to have a plan B...
Haven't found the guards great tbh, again it must depend station to station and who's on the desk. They're sympathetic but 'it's hard to prove'. Anyway, it's all steps in the right direction.

I hope you and your family are out the other side too x