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Original poster

When did you know if you saw a long term future with someone?

51 replies

johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 18:06

I've been dating someone for 2 months. She's lovely and at the moment it's going well. We're not seeing other people and generally it's a pleasure to date her.

But I don't really know what my feelings are on the long term yet. And it's making me extremely anxious. I've always been an anxious guy with relationships. But the thought of never dating anyone else feels quite overwhelming right now.

She doesn't really talk about the future. She's very easy going doesn't think too far ahead. I think. Any future discussions, what she wants, what she hopes for etc, have all come from me. And it's always been pretty vague answers.

I know there's always some uncertainty in dating. But I feel like the entire direction of this relationship is being directed by me. And she just does whatever I want. Which feels like quite a lot of pressure.

Plus added on that I don't really know where I'll be living next year etc. Kinda worrying me

I don't really want it to end right now. But I'm still not sure of the future with her and feel I should know by now?

OP posts:
Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 18:59

mindutopia · 18/09/2025 18:56

I think you need to step away from any relationships and get some therapy. You need to work on yourself before you’re ready to share your life with anyone else.

To answer your question though, with my husband of 17 years, I realised about 6 months into dating that I wanted a serious long term relationship with him. It isn’t something magic you just know. It takes getting to know each other and figuring out how you fit into each other’s lives first.

did you have any relationships that got that far then ended?

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 18/09/2025 19:01

johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 18:59

did you have any relationships that got that far then ended?

Show quote history

Relationships end all the time. Either because people are not compatible or because they are not ready for a relationship. Sorry to be harsh, but you don't sound in the right headspace to have any kind of relationship at the moment if you can't stop worrying about the outcome. Please have your medication reviewed as it's not working for you. Good luck OP 💗

Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 19:05

Beachtastic · 18/09/2025 19:01

Relationships end all the time. Either because people are not compatible or because they are not ready for a relationship. Sorry to be harsh, but you don't sound in the right headspace to have any kind of relationship at the moment if you can't stop worrying about the outcome. Please have your medication reviewed as it's not working for you. Good luck OP 💗

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But usually once you cross like 6 months it's likely not going to end? Or that's the goal anyway? At these ages?

OP posts:
Tamfs · 18/09/2025 19:13

johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 18:41

weeks of what?

and i take citalopram already

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Weeks in this relationship and you feel like this. There are no guarantees of anything. No magical six month milestone that reduces your risk of break up. No magical tickboxes that mean your relationship is now set for marriage, children etc. It's your anxiety asking for these guarantees. You either need more citalopram, therapy or both.

Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 19:17

Tamfs · 18/09/2025 19:13

Weeks in this relationship and you feel like this. There are no guarantees of anything. No magical six month milestone that reduces your risk of break up. No magical tickboxes that mean your relationship is now set for marriage, children etc. It's your anxiety asking for these guarantees. You either need more citalopram, therapy or both.

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yeah... I guess I just feel uncomfortable gettign attached to someone now. Especially when she's a bit older and I don't know if kids are going to be possible in 2 years. Which gives this a bit of a timer

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 18/09/2025 19:29

You're really fixated on her as the mother of your children, and you've only just met her. As a male, you can wait another 60 years to have children if you want to!

If you had children now, given your anxiety levels, you'd probably worry non-stop about leaviing them asleep or letting them out of your sight.

This is not a good time for you to reproduce! Get calm and centered first.

Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 19:56

Beachtastic · 18/09/2025 19:29

You're really fixated on her as the mother of your children, and you've only just met her. As a male, you can wait another 60 years to have children if you want to!

If you had children now, given your anxiety levels, you'd probably worry non-stop about leaviing them asleep or letting them out of your sight.

This is not a good time for you to reproduce! Get calm and centered first.

If she isn’t though, then that means a breakup at some point. Which.,, I guess really scares me.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 18/09/2025 19:58

johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 19:56

If she isn’t though, then that means a breakup at some point. Which.,, I guess really scares me.

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Breaking up is a natural part of life that we all have to accept.

If you're stressed at the very idea, you're really not in a good headspace for having a relationship.

I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but you really need to deal with your anxiety before you can even consider a relationship, much less having children.

80s · 18/09/2025 20:20

Oh, looks like I missed a couple of threads ;D
There are no guarantees. She might want to leave. You might want to leave. One of you will probably die before the other.
Pain goes hand in hand with any kind of love - the more you love them, the more you cry. And pain goes hand in hand with a lack of love - loneliness and regret. There's no painless option. So you can't get it wrong.
I was with my ex for 20 years. Breaking up was very hard. But it was also an experience that has shaped me as a person. I'm less anxious now than before :) When something bad happens, you learn what it's like to go through it and come out the other side.

80s · 18/09/2025 20:27

To answer the question in the title:
I decided my ex was worth sticking around with after about 2 years. We had children after 4 years.
I decided my current partner was worth sticking around with after about 4 years I think.
The first decision was probably a bit naive. No idea yet if the second is any less naive :D

Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 20:31

80s · 18/09/2025 20:20

Oh, looks like I missed a couple of threads ;D
There are no guarantees. She might want to leave. You might want to leave. One of you will probably die before the other.
Pain goes hand in hand with any kind of love - the more you love them, the more you cry. And pain goes hand in hand with a lack of love - loneliness and regret. There's no painless option. So you can't get it wrong.
I was with my ex for 20 years. Breaking up was very hard. But it was also an experience that has shaped me as a person. I'm less anxious now than before :) When something bad happens, you learn what it's like to go through it and come out the other side.

But I’m worried I may cause her to miss her chance at having kids. Or I may not want to move in with her. Or all of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 20:31

80s · 18/09/2025 20:27

To answer the question in the title:
I decided my ex was worth sticking around with after about 2 years. We had children after 4 years.
I decided my current partner was worth sticking around with after about 4 years I think.
The first decision was probably a bit naive. No idea yet if the second is any less naive :D

I guess the problem with this one is she’s 36. So I don’t really have 4 years if I want kids.

OP posts:
GingerPaste · 18/09/2025 20:39

Why do you have 3 threads going on this issue?

80s · 18/09/2025 20:42

johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 20:31

I guess the problem with this one is she’s 36. So I don’t really have 4 years if I want kids.

Show quote history

I wasn't suggesting that 4 years is a magic number - just answering your question. As I say, I effectively waited 4 years with my ex, and that didn't guarantee long-term success :)

80s · 18/09/2025 20:47

I’m worried I may cause her to miss her chance at having kids. Or I may not want to move in with her. Or all of that.
If she misses her chance at having kids that's her choice! She can leave you whenever she wants. She's an independent human being, not a character in a novel you are writing (afaik :D).

Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 20:52

80s · 18/09/2025 20:47

I’m worried I may cause her to miss her chance at having kids. Or I may not want to move in with her. Or all of that.
If she misses her chance at having kids that's her choice! She can leave you whenever she wants. She's an independent human being, not a character in a novel you are writing (afaik :D).

Yeah… I guess maybe I’m just getting really stressed. It just feels like a really big deal to me. I feel super reluctant to commit properly. But also, I guess it is 2 months.

OP posts:
80s · 18/09/2025 21:09

Doesn't sound like she expects/wants you to commit - so why are you putting yourself under such pressure to commit, if you're reluctant? Does that pressure come from you, or from your parents/guardians?

Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 21:18

80s · 18/09/2025 21:09

Doesn't sound like she expects/wants you to commit - so why are you putting yourself under such pressure to commit, if you're reluctant? Does that pressure come from you, or from your parents/guardians?

Me. Because I really quite like her a lot. But not enough to commit. I guess it’s more internal pressure and fear of me having to end it at some point.

and let’s be honest. That pressure will come if I stay long enough.

OP posts:
80s · 18/09/2025 21:22

Even if you do commit, on your part, that doesn't mean you've "bagsied" her.
It makes no sense to commit without wanting to commit. That's not commitment.

Original poster
johnny2024 · 18/09/2025 21:26

80s · 18/09/2025 21:22

Even if you do commit, on your part, that doesn't mean you've "bagsied" her.
It makes no sense to commit without wanting to commit. That's not commitment.

I’ve agreed to be exclusive. But commit long term no

OP posts:
Elixir86 · 19/09/2025 00:00

Things can end at any time whether that's 6 months or 60 years. All you can do is be honest with each other at this moment in time.
Being 36 doesn't mean her time has run out, when I had my first child there were women aged 40 having their first (and they went on to have 2nds). Many females have children later in life now.
When she has kids is on her timeline. If she wants kids by x date then she already knows how long she's prepared to wait. And she will definitely push for a commitment if she needs one.

Your anxiety is pushing you to overthink to extreme and go down wormholes of thought that you really don't need to.
I think it's worth looking further into the reasons you feel this way and do some work on that as you won't be able to maintain a long term relationship with anyone if you don't.

Original poster
johnny2024 · 19/09/2025 00:29

Elixir86 · 19/09/2025 00:00

Things can end at any time whether that's 6 months or 60 years. All you can do is be honest with each other at this moment in time.
Being 36 doesn't mean her time has run out, when I had my first child there were women aged 40 having their first (and they went on to have 2nds). Many females have children later in life now.
When she has kids is on her timeline. If she wants kids by x date then she already knows how long she's prepared to wait. And she will definitely push for a commitment if she needs one.

Your anxiety is pushing you to overthink to extreme and go down wormholes of thought that you really don't need to.
I think it's worth looking further into the reasons you feel this way and do some work on that as you won't be able to maintain a long term relationship with anyone if you don't.

I guess it’s more I’m not sure and pretty unsure that I will be ready for kids in 2 years. So that kinda leaves like 3 options. I end it now. I let it run on and end it then or it ends before naturally. Or I am ready for kids then.

that feels like a lot of pressure. And that’s what’s kinda freaking me. I feel like a breakup is almost inevitable but we’re pushing on anyway.

OP posts:
Elixir86 · 19/09/2025 00:35

This is exactly why you need to do some work to stop you thinking in this way.
Regardless of the outcome of this relationship, any future partner is unlikely to able to lessen these concerns or you will have these same issues with another area of the relationship.
Buying a home, getting married, how you parent..... and it's not a pleasant way for you or them to live. You need to work on yourself and how you process this.

Your option is to split up now, it's only been 2 months this isn't really a relationship yet.
Or leave it for a little while but if she asks any questions about the future you are completely honest and she can decide if she is prepared to wait until you are sure or not.
You are creating a lot of questions and scenarios that are unnecessary.

Original poster
johnny2024 · 19/09/2025 00:45

Elixir86 · 19/09/2025 00:35

This is exactly why you need to do some work to stop you thinking in this way.
Regardless of the outcome of this relationship, any future partner is unlikely to able to lessen these concerns or you will have these same issues with another area of the relationship.
Buying a home, getting married, how you parent..... and it's not a pleasant way for you or them to live. You need to work on yourself and how you process this.

Your option is to split up now, it's only been 2 months this isn't really a relationship yet.
Or leave it for a little while but if she asks any questions about the future you are completely honest and she can decide if she is prepared to wait until you are sure or not.
You are creating a lot of questions and scenarios that are unnecessary.

Can you explain how my thinking is wrong though? Like genuinely? Coz I don’t really see the difference between what you said and what I did?

OP posts:
Bumdrops · 19/09/2025 00:53

OMG @johnny2024

you are still prattling on about the same issue !!!
multiple threads
same old worries
you cannot get the answer you are looking for here -
no one has the crystal ball you crave !!!!
GP - medication review and more therapy required
step away from romantic relationships- you can’t cope with them - need to work on your anxiety disorder first