We live 3 hours apart. But can’t make it work

[Heartbroken1989]

I started seeing a guy who lives 3 hours away. We talk for hours on the phone every day and text. He would either travel down or I’ll travel up to him every other week. We’ve been on holidays together. Met each others kids. I truly love the man. But throughout 2025 we have only seen eachother 4 times, I get more effort could have been made on both sides, but I still thought we were locked in. We were never labelled as bf/gf. He was saying he wants to see me more. But come the weekends things got in the way either my end or his. Just over a week ago I found a picture on his socials, and he came clean and said he been sleeping with this woman for a year. He said men got needs. And he can’t always see me because I’m too far away. And she lives local. We are still continuing talking and texting all day since I found out. I feel heartbroken. But he is telling me he isn’t going no where. He still wants to continue with me, says he cares for me, he doesn’t want me being upset as it makes him sad also, but the weeks or months in between us seeing eachother, he finds hard to be alone, so seeks with this other woman. How can you have without labels relationship with two people? I told him he will have to take our relationship serious as he doesn’t want to lose me, and he would have to bin her off. But he isn’t willing to do that. I don’t want to walk away, I know he technically cheated and lied for a year, but we wasn’t a couple, he is 3 hours away, we have hardly seen each other this year, but I’m hurting like crazy. I haven’t ate for over a week, I’m barely sleeping, got no interest in doing anything and just isolating my self.

how do we make this work?
We both aren’t willing to pack up our life and move 3 hours away to be with eachother?
do we continue and I act like this woman don’t exist? But how can I not? It’s constantly on my mind.
I don't want to share him.
what do we do?

any advice or help would be great. I don’t have anyone else to talk to.

Bin him off op.

Neither of you are prepared to make the distance less, neither of you can be arsed to make the effort to visit more, and he's been cheating for a year - not just a one off mistake that he's wracked with guilt over, but a year-long physical relationship that he's not sorry for and plans to continue.

Your bar is ridiculously low op. Find someone who actually respects you and can give you the absolute bare minimum.

Agree with PP. You can’t make this work unless you set your bar so low it’s subterranean and sit at home waiting for him to throw you a few scraps while he’s snuggled up in bed with his fuck buddy.

Hes told you loud and clear you’re an afterthought - why would you think so little of yourself to believe this is a relationship you want to save?

Please end this farce

Apart from anything else, he’s not behaving well towards the other woman, is he?

He’s not interested in you. You’re just an option for a rainy day. Dh lived 2 hours away and we both had kids. He used to drive up every week on the nights he didn’t have his children. If men want you, you can’t get rid of them lol. Move on

He’s been stringing you along for a year and seeing someone else all that time, don’t try and make it work, he doesn’t deserve you. I don’t think long distance works well anyway, go back to dating and don’t see anyone who lives more than a hour away.

So you are the other woman then? If he wont commit to you nor post you on his socials but does her it would appear you are.

@HeddaGarbled he told her about me about a month or so in to it. And she is still continuing with him. He told her that he ain’t getting rid of me, so up to her if she wanted to continue.

@Suednymph hi no he didn’t post her on there. He set up a TikTok account and she was the only one on his, so I questioned it and he came clean. We’ve been so say together 2 and half years. This woman a year. No posts anywhere

Bin him.

While you are investing all your time and energy in the frequent messages and long phone calls, you are stopping yourself from finding something real.

This relationship isn’t real. It’s a distraction from the humdrum of life for him. He is regularly seeing a woman who probably believes that they are in a committed relationship of sorts.

Put simply, he’s playing with both of you because you both feed different parts of his ego.

You can stay and let this continue. He won’t change - he has already told you that. So your choice is to walk away or stay and accept his behaviour.

I’ve just seen your latest posts. So it’s even worse. All this time, you think you have been in a loving relationship and he’s been fucking someone else for the past year. Sorry to be so blunt but he has.

So what if he does want to give you up. Is this what you want?

He told you this or you know this? Either way he is a player. He is not worth all this.

He must be enjoying two women with no self respect playing the pick me dance, even if it was early days into dating, no one wants to hear some goady man boasting about what other woman they are fucking. He’s not suddenly going to respect you after years of this shit, surely you want better for yourself.

Absolutely this. Come on OP find your self respect and stop allowing this grubby little fuckboy to treat you like a back up plan when he can be arsed. Quite obviously he doesn’t see you as worth making any effort for and would rather shit on his own doorstep with his convenient fuck buddy.

Stop wasting your life on a man telling you loud and cjear you’re not important to him.

"he told her about me about a month or so in to it" NO, he did not, he wanted sex

You've also said

"how do we make this work?" You don't. For your own peace of mind @Heartbroken1989, please realise, your heartbreak will increase, he's just stringing you along.

"He said men got needs" and you don't? have you been sleeping around too then? If not, why not?

This will not get better, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself.

@HeddaGarbledi feel sooo broken.
I’ve been faithful for 2 and half years. We have been abit rocky, odd arguments etc which when I’m pissed off about something it’s hard to snap out of.so this has been a bit of a issue, and is being busy and long gaps inbetween seeing eachother, but I still thought we were locked in. I told him he put me in this triangle so I’ll turn it into a rectangle and I’ll have 2 men on the go.but clearly he ain’t happy with that. He’s just trying to have his cake and eat it.

Just why would you do this to yourself? Bin him off. This is not a healthy relationship.

End it and find someone closer to home.

When you do, don’t go along with that “no labels” bullshit. If you want a monogamous relationship insist on that and the labels that go with it. If they disagree then you aren’t compatible.

People who avoid labels often do so because they want all the good parts of a relationship but want to be free to live like they are single.

This is all so deeply deeply unhealthy.

im sorry op, but to be feeling the way you do, over a man who you know to be selfish and a cheat, and you barely know otherwise - because texts and phone calls aren’t real - is objectively, absurd.

it just shows that you value yourself so so low.

to help yourself live a happy life; you need to end this thing (which was never a thing on his part anyway, I doubt this is the first, just the first you knew about). And then set about learning your worth, be single, learn to be happy being single; and then, should you wish to (possibly won’t once you’ve learnt to like being single) then you will be in a healthy place to start a relationship.

This isn’t a relationship, this is just someone you shag every now and again. You need to find someone who lives nearby.

Ye gods, are you reading this back to yourself op?

While you were 'locked in' he's been cheating on you. Lying and having a sexual relationship with someone else. FOR A YEAR. Neither of you have made ANY effort to keep the relationship (yours that is, not his 'affair') alive, in fact any excuse he's given about not meeting up has been an absolute crock of shit, hasn't it?

You're absolutely kidding yourself he has any sense of duty to you. Why why WHY would you be interested in giving this cretin a moment's consideration never mind forgiving his actions, or even worse, lowering yourself to his level to take on another fella - he doesn't like it? TOUGH

This isn’t even a relationship 🫣

Agree it’s an occasional shag when one or the other can be arsed to get in the car. Meanwhile he’s got a far more convenient offer on his doorstep

My partner of 4.5 years has just moved in with me. Before that, we lived 2.5 hours away from one another.

You can make it work but why would you consider it when he has been seeing someone else for a year?!

You developed an unhealthy (co-) dependency with this guy. This is not a relationship. It doesn't matter that you talk and text every day. Get out before it absorbs you even more. If you and him wanted to make it work you would have found a solution to bridge the distance after a year of this situation tops. It has been two and a half years. Bin him. What is this adding to your life? It is an illusion and you are getting deeper and deeper in it. The guy is clearly happy as he also got someone local to shag and has someone else - you - lined up to get his emotional needs met and an occasional fun meet up. Get out. Enjoy your life where you are and find a local guy.

But throughout 2025 we have only seen eachother 4 times, I get more effort could have been made on both sides, but I still thought we were locked in. We were never labelled as bf/gf.

Only seeing him once every couple of months should have made it clear to you that he had found someone locally.

Never making any type of commitment about being in a romantic relationship and calling yourselves bf and gf or partners means that the two of you were not locked in. He was free to see whoever he chose and so were you. You chose to believe otherwise.

You can't make it work. He's in a relationship with another woman and she's local. He's only seen you 4 times this year so it sounds like his relationship there is doing it for him.

He's a liar and obviously led you on but when someone you want a relationship with says they don't want to label themdelf as your romantic partner, they don't want a full relationship. Let's not put labels on what we have means it's a sexual relationship only.