Cheating partner. Am I delusional?

[VVM]

I’ve been wanting to share this for so long now, i guess it’s just a way for me to air out my thoughts and feelings and to also get a fresh perspective on things. I have read so many of these posts lately and I’ve been able to completely relate and they have helped me get some clarity. Ok so anyway I have an 11 week old daughter with my partner. I have been suspicious of him since the beginning of the year but at that point I was convincing myself it was a me problem and tbh I was never the type to go looking as I always felt I would find something I wouldn’t like. So anyway I got to 24 weeks pregnant and we had just had our daughters 4d scan when he pulled his phone out to check an emailed receipt had come through and upon doing so I just so happened to catch glimpse of an app on his phone that looked suspicious (2 hearts) I didn’t say anything but that night googled what dating app had 2 hearts and I got my answer. I found the app he had on his phone so I created an account and there he was posting all over and had been doing so for the 3 months prior. I ended it with him but a week later got back together. A few days after this incident we were in bed and his phone started ringing like a hotline at 3am and messages were coming through, he was awake but pretended to be asleep. The next morning I was being off with him but didn’t push or demand to see his phone and he made up some story it was a friend inviting him to a nightclub! He’s never been known to go to a nightclub I will add. A couple of weeks after this the same thing happened again, phone ringing one call after the other at 1am and messages coming through but this time I ended up packing up my stuff and walking out to go home. I was around 6/7 months pregnant at this time. I ended it with him again but of course ended up back together. At 8 months pregnant whilst we were dtd (it was completely dark in the room) I went to put my hand behind to touch him there and he grabbed my hand and then I thought I heard a condom being pulled off but I thought again I was going crazy so straight after when he went to the bathroom I checked the bin that he had just put a tissue in and there it was a condom. I tried leaving his that night but he stopped me and a few days later once again were back together. When my daughter was 2 weeks old it all came out about chats he’d been having with women one of which that had spanned months back where she had been telling him how much she missed his sex and they were sending back and forth videos of their past sexual encounters, I asked to see the whole message thread but he deleted it in front of me. I forgave him for all that too. I always knew of one person who he had cheated on me with although he didn’t know that I knew and he still had her on all his social media accounts (he is addicted to social media as petty as it sounds but anyone who he has on there it means something, I’m the opposite I really can’t stand all these platforms tbh) so around 2 weeks ago I asked him to remove her which he did. He also had endless girls on there who do OF and he unfollowed them too. I had basically been gathering evidence and putting all these little pieces together ready to confront him and of course he would always deny and deny and then tell me how much he loved me. At this point I honestly did not want to be with him anymore and my feelings drastically changed but every time I’d end it with him I’d be bombarded with messages and calls saying how he’s changed and was in a bad place but he’s changed now. He did finally admit to cheating sort off. Anyway I gave him another chance and randomly searched his Snapchat name and it came up with his account and a description saying he is an “x rated creator” and how he can help models turn sexual content into cash. I left him yet again which resulted in him telling me he had been admitted to hospital for OD on multi vitamins. Honestly at this point I don’t think I care anymore about the relationship, the love or any of it. I loved this man so much at one point and now I don’t even know if I even love him anymore at all. I’ve tried so hard to get rid of him including blocking his number and he’ll just whip out other numbers from family or his second phone and message me. At the moment we are currently together although in my head we’re not because il never ever trust him again. I know that people can change but him I’m not so sure and tbh I don’t want to stick around to find out. The times we’ve broken up and I’ve ignored him for days apart from replying about updates on our daughter I was doing so well but then I always give in and give him another chance. It’s like he knows how to pull at my heart strings and I always believe life isn’t black and white and people can change etc. He has begged and pleaded and told me how much he’s a changed man now and only wants me and our daughter. I know I’m a fool but am I really an even bigger fool than I thought. I feel like I know it will happen again but I’m just too weak to get off this train wreck I’m on and walk away for good. I don’t trust him at all. It really does feel like I’m just going with the flow in a bubble that I know will go bang soon although I’m not delusional in thinking he has changed or that he means anything he says. I guess I do have low self esteem and no self worth to be allowing this. I think what keeps me hanging on is that without him I’d be completely lonely and it scares me a little bit. I don’t even think I feel hurt anymore. I’ve been through every emotion from crying being heartbroken, to being angry and then full of resentment towards him. Sorry I don’t even know what the point of this post was now but I really do appreciate if you have got this far and are willing to share any thoughts x

Sorry I will add that there is many other little things where I had been putting the pieces together and it’s a case of “it all makes sense now” and things came to light. He also always makes comments about my mum being pretty etc. I don’t even know why I’m with him I guess I am just afraid to completely cut him off and the change of that, being alone. Deep down I know I don’t want him anymore and my attitude towards him has changed. He is a very sexual person and I felt I had to give him sex 3 days after having a c section that I badly haemorrhaged with and had a balloon put in but it’s that feeling I’m always chasing that I have to give him as much sex as I can when we’re together so he won’t look elsewhere. I have to always look my best ect. I’m mentally tired. I think I have lost the plot tbh to even be seeking advice when I know the answer and that is that he’ll never change.

Oh my goodness, my heart broke reading this.

1. i understand that it’s easy to say “leave”, but much harder to do in practice but I promise you, dealing with his lies, cheating and disrespect will be much harder. You must make a plan to leave and stick with it. Block his number and tell him you will report any attempts to contact you to the police as harassment. As a first step, get your affairs in order and focus just on the immediate future and a plan for cutting him out.
2. Do it for your daughter. Would you want this for her? Would you want her to see her mum being treated this way and think it’s normal?
3. Remember none of this is your fault. He has treated you horrendously at your most vulnerable time when he should be caring for you and placing you at the centre of his world. Do not be afraid to be alone. You will realise how strong and capable you are if you leave him. If you stay, your already low self esteem will diminish even further. Leave and rebuild.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but you are strong enough to reclaim your power and make him the loser in this situation. Best of luck

He has shown you exactly who he is, why don't you believe him? There's not a chance in hell he's ever changing and you're now modelling this as relationship norms to your child.
Feeling you had to have sex three days after a traumatic c-section should tell you all you need to know, let alone the cheating.
How old are you both?

If he loved you he would not have even entertained sex 3 days after a c section. He would have just been looking after you and your needs in recovery. That was so dangerous. You need therapy. Its not normal to put your health at risk just to have sex with a pig of a man.
You should have just been focused on your baby and recovery.
You obviously have very low self worth.
Leave him. Warn him you will report him for harassment if he doesnt accept your wishes.
Stay with family if you can.
Unless the house is yours .
But if nothing else please realise he won't be the man you hope. He won't put you or your child first.
And you deserve better!

This is such a heartbreaking read.

He is nasty.

I know it is hard to leave and jump into becoming a single mother but he is a terrible, horrible person, a serial cheat and I’d argue abusive. He’s put your babies and your health at risk in utero by having sex with other women while you were pregnant through STIs. That is unforgivable.

Please get yourself some counselling. You can self refer through the NHS and that will help you find the strength to see that surviving and thriving without him is possible.

Don’t set this relationship as a blueprint for you precious little one.

You can do this. You deserve so much better.

Do you actually live with him? I got the impression you lived separately. Do you have outside support? Like parents siblings or freinds that can help re raising a new baby/give you a hand when you need it?

If so, let them help out so you don't feel you need him as coparent in the difficult infancy stage.

Look, you know what you have to do. You already know he'll keep doing it. There are no magic words anyone else can offer to make you do right by yourself. I hope you do though.

Have you posted this here before, OP? I remember the detail about him sneakily taking off a condom you didn't even know he was using.

He sounds utterly horrendous and awful. Please, for the sake of yourself and your little one, leave him for good and don't go back this time. You know who he is and I'm sure you know that he's not going to change, however much he claims he will.

We don’t live together no. I am 32 and he is 29. I do feel like he is taking the p out of me quite literally by things he says. Another example is he logged into his sexual health clinic account to “prove to me that he ordered condoms the first day we split up” and not before but what caught my eye when he went onto the my orders bit was he’d been ordering condoms back in may when I was 7 months pregnant. I said to him look there is more proof you cheated and he said to me “I got them incase I cheated so I could be protected and protect you and the baby so I was actually looking out for you” I know this all sounds so stupid and immature I honestly do feel it too x

Wow what a prince.

In case he cheated (so hello planned to) and covering up as being safe for you and the baby?
Come on love.

It's all there for you in black and white.

He doesn't respect or love you. He just knows you'll put up with it as no one else would want him full time.

I know you feel vulnerable with a young baby but is this really the life you envisioned for yourself? Is this an example you want to show your child how they should be treated in the future?

He's literally ruined all of your pregnancy memories and the early life of your child.

And worst of all, beyond the cheating, going through sex with you knowing how heavy you bled. 😭😭😭😭

He is absolutely disgusting and selfish. You need to rip off the plaster and just do it. Tell him not to contact you or you'll have him up to the police for harassment.

Contact through mediation only or a family member.

You need to extricate yourself now. You're letting him do this to you. Say goodbye to him and you may find your self esteem comes back.

He's a serial cheat and you've taken him back over and over. He is never going to change.

The only person who can change things is you. You can end the relationship, block his number and refuse to engage with any attempts he makes to contact you. Only you can decide to do this. You know who he is, he has shown you over and over again. It doesn't matter what he says, his actions are what matters.

You asked if you are being delusional. Quite bluntly, yes. Yes you are.
You know full well he’s not going to change. He ordered condoms when you were 7 months pregnant ‘in case’ he cheated and he was doing you a favour?! Jeez @VVM, dump his sorry arse once and for all and don’t fall for his fake lovebombing

OP, there's no point calling him out on cheating (again!) because you have plenty of evidence. He is a liar and a serial cheat so yes you are delusional if you think he will change. He won't, and never will so please, for the sake of your child as well as yourself, end it and block him on everything.
Seek help for yourself too as your bar is rock bottom. Get counselling asap to help you build boundaries to teach you how to grow your self esteem and if you have a trusted friend confide in them to help you stay strong and to realise how wrong this all is. Change the locks if he has a key, thank goodness you don't live together.

Leave him.

He had sex with you 3 days after a c-section, he could've killed you.

Take yourself away from the situation, don't focus on your relationship and instead think of your daughter and what you're modelling for her. Leave for her if not for yourself.

Hi, you’re in an extremely vulnerable position with a new baby so of course you don’t feel confident to walk out of the door and leave him.
if you want to stay with him for now I wouldn’t judge you, you need the help with the baby, but don’t make it a long term plan or do anything nice for him, just use him for help and be aware that you are now in an open relationship - if you want to sleep with him again once recovered from birth then continue to use condoms.

Omg I have just read the update re post c section sex that is horrifying , I could barely walk at that stage- he could have killed you, he doesn’t care about your health or wellbeing at all he just wants to own and use you. I take back what I just wrote, please make a plan to get somewhere safe asap.
then block him but set up a new email just for talking about the baby, if he pressures you to get back in to relationship ask him firmly once to stop and then next time contact police for harrassment. He’s vile.

Sorry lovely - he’s a first rate prick - and I’m sorry you have been struggling by keeping this to yourself - get your ducks in a row and boot him out your life

Thank vid you live separately! Have you got family support and friends? Please tell them about this so you have RL support. Block him but go through CSA for maintenance. You are better than this and deserve better. Also go for counselling as others have suggested. He’s no morals. Never will have!

You need therapy OP. Urgently. You can't love or even respect yourself if you let this man treat you like shit. He's a sadistic creep. Keep away from him, claim cms and go to therapy because you really need it. You don't want to model this self loathing to your daughter.

Absolutely disgusted reading this and the details about having sex three days after a c section. Please for the love of God speak to your health visitor about your situation, call women’s aid and leave this man.

He has no respect or love for you and you have to do what’s right by you and your child.

Oh sweetheart you sound so lovely you are too good for this piece of 💩. I can’t believe he wanted sex 3 days after your c-section what a disgusting man. Please get rid of him think of your poor daughter who will only have this man as an example when she grows up and the cycle will continue, show her how much a strong woman and great mum you are. You will be a great mum because you will be able to only focus on her not the scumbag father she has. You will meet someone worthy of you because you are sweet and kind just not whilst you are attached to him. Set yourself and your daughter free

He doesn't care about you in the least.

He risked the health of you and your baby cheating on you when you were pregnant.

He risked your life and fertility having sex with you 3 days after a section. Your uterus still has a wound that can get easily infected as well as your incision and it can cost you your reproductive system and your life if you get septic.

You agreed to have sex with him under conditions that risked your own life, your baby's life and health, and your fertility. Is this cheating asshole really worth that?

My advice is this -

Just stop and think about what your life is turning into. He is playing you and you are sticking around.

You say you will be lonely but you must now know about one of the universal laws - that life abhors a vacuum. That means that the space created by you closing off to him will be filled - and you get to choose what it is filled with.

I have been reading about attachment in love relationships and the healthiest people are those with secure attachment. When studied, their dating behaviour shows up something different to other people - the fact that, if the date shows behaviour that is flaky or not good enough, she just stops contact and moves on, without blaming herself. She assumes that his style is not right for hers and she doesn't waste time. This way she has no stories to tell about dodgy blokes or heartbreak because she only ever lets securely attached people into her heart.

So putting those two ideas together for you - your fear loneliness, but life will not allow a vacuum for long - and when you choose how to fill that space in your life, choose the ones whose behaviour matches your needs.

Do not waste your 30s on a loser.
Do not wast tonight on him, or tomorrow, or the weekend.
Want more for yourself.
Raise your standards.
Look for a ten out of ten man to partner up with.
Look for a man who loves you.
Put this man out and don't ever go back!
Honestly, you are wasting your time, heart, love, life and happiness.

Jesus, the man is a monster and he will remain one.

Please leave him and concentrate on your daughter, your health and your happiness.

Thankyou everyone for your replies it means a lot to me. To the comment about him ruining my pregnancy memories, that is completely true and I have told him this. I have told him I can’t even scroll back to photos i took during them months because it brings back all the feelings that I felt then. All the nights I sat crying, all the thoughts that went through my head. His excuses to everything that has gone on is that he never believed in love and didn’t think a man could be loved if he was broke. He is Nigerian and he says that his life over there growing up all he ever saw was men going from one woman to the next so that was the life that was instilled in him. I have been so good to this man I have worshipped the ground he walked on. I did have a stressful pregnancy as I’m type 1 diabetic so always knew I’d have my daughter early at 37 weeks providing no complications but I was having ctg appointments done 2-3 times a week which he never came to apart from the odd one. At 36 weeks my daughter failed the monitor again as she had been for weeks and that was when the consultant agreed to start the induction and my daughter was born 3 days later at 36+4 with complications and was taken straight to neonatal. I will never forget being on my own in theatre while being stitched up whilst my baby was gone to then being rushed back in after haemorrhaging and crying because my baby wasn’t with me. I begged my consultant to agree to let me go to nicu to see her and she agreed a midwife could take me but only for a few minutes as if I started bleeding again they would never be able to get me back into theatre quick enough. I think I was finding it really hard dealing with all this because even after we were sent home finally from the hospital we were admitted back to the children’s ward 2 days later for another week stay as my daughters bilirubin levels were 1 box below transfusion level so once again my baby was in an incubator I couldn’t hold her, change her or do anything when I wanted and it really really depressed me so I leant on him more. The thoughts of him being intimate with someone else really hurt me and as I said he is a very sexual person. I actually made another post yesterday about pain during sex feeling like a knife in my stomach but despite all this I still have to give him sex and it will be round after round so obviously I think to myself once he goes home there’s no way he’s going to be waiting 3/4 days until he’s back with me again to get it. Oh it’s all such a mess in my head. I do know that I don’t love him anywhere near how I did before and I much prefer to not be in contact with him during the times he’s gone home. He’s already told me that if I try get pay back at him by sleeping with someone else then he’ll be gone. Not that I want to sleep with anyone else whatsoever. I think it’s that common phrase “but he is a nice person” apart from the cheating that plays round in my head. We have always got on and clicked like best friends and he will call me his soulmate. He’s always saying baby im
so sorry for hurting you I will never ever do it again please give me another chance please and I always somewhat fall for it but it leaves me miserable x

You know exactly what he I'd at this stage. He doesnt respect you. He cheats in you. He lies to you. He jeopardises your health and the health of your unborn baby.

You are making bad choices because he's ruined your self esstem and manipulates you. You need to endvthe relationship. The thing is because you keep going back He will escalate his manipulative behaviour so you will go back again. Stop this pattern. Its not good for you a d Its not good for your kid in the long term. It's to much drama. It's to unsettled.

Realistically, its Hever going to work. You can't trust him.. He's demontrated that over and over again.

Also, work on yourself. All this cheating, drama and trauma is bound to have an impact on your MH and wellbeing. Get into therapy.