Page 3 | Partner’s compulsive behaviour

MaddestGranny · 17/09/2025 18:27

Ew!
RUN

ginasevern · 17/09/2025 18:38

"As much as it's repellant, a disorder like this is fascinating. Somewhat akin to extreme hoarding."

This. I have a male friend in his late 50's who is like this. He did come from a poor background but he has been comfortably off for years. I observe him and have concluded that it is indeed a "condition", like hoarding. He just can't help himself. He feels no embarrassment and doesn't seem to think it's wrong. In fact, he feels it's his "dues". He's unlikely to change at his age.

IGJ10 · 17/09/2025 18:42

Does he hoard things in his home?

MoonWoman69 · 17/09/2025 18:47

I think the word you're looking for is greedy. He has an obsessive case of FOMO and it would give me the urge to end the relationship! And if he's not staying at the hotel, why is he turning up for breakfast?! People staying there have paid for that!! Total CF and I can't believe you don't pull him up on it!
No I'd definitely throw this one back, I couldn't stand the entitlement of all that from him!

FeetLikeFlippers · 17/09/2025 18:54

Whatever his reasons are for doing this, he’s too old to change and it sounds like he doesn’t even acknowledge just how odd his behaviour is. Personally I’d throw him back and not waste my time trying to psycho-analyse or “fix” him!

Bananapeargrape · 17/09/2025 18:57

That's the sign of someone tight in all aspects. Most likely won't be generous in his attitude generally. The type who will walk round all of the coffee shops in an area just to get the cheapest deal. Or worse feel like he's been ripped off so moans about it all the time he's having the coffee so makes it miserable. Don't ask me how I know. And that is just one example.

Bikergran · 17/09/2025 19:01

In Yorkshire we are known for being careful with money, but there are people we refer to as "tighter than a duck's arse" and he sounds like that. I'd find it deeply embarrassing and it would definitely give me terminal ick.

Molko1503 · 17/09/2025 19:01

Ew. What an offensive thing to say?

I smell a clueless knobhead 🙄

tommyhoundmum · 17/09/2025 19:05

TwistedWonder · 16/09/2025 21:47

So your partner is a grubby common or garden thief no better than a shoplifter.

How his behaviour doesn’t make your vagina slam shut so hard your neighbours think it’s a sonic boom they’ve heard I don’t know.

Hilarious

Fiddy1964 · 17/09/2025 19:05

Cursebreaker30 · 16/09/2025 16:30

I’m divorced, have 3 DC under 11. I was and still am the main breadwinner so I work hard in a job that is full on and means a lot of travel. I met a man through friends 3 years ago and have been with him since. He is divorced with a 21 year old daughter who lives with him. He also travels frequently to see his elderly mum who lives in a city I frequent a lot for work, so he often joins me on work trips where we stay in hotels or at his mum’s house (which is not very comfortable) so I opt for hotels

He has been a breath of fresh air emotionally. I have felt very happy with him these past three years. He is kind and consistent, good in bed and I genuinely feel that he loves me. Living separately means I get the best of all worlds - my own space but time with him when I want too.

There is just one thing - since we have been together I have noticed he has a strange compulsion to seek out freebies to the point of outright cleptomania. I don’t even know if that’s the right word. Eg if we go to an event with a buffet or a hotel with a breakfast or afternoon tea, he will head straight there and take as much as he can, even to the point of lifting up and taking whole plates of the thing being served (eg a plate of smoked salmon) and if he can’t do that I have sometimes seen him start to choke on a particular item because he has stuffed so much of it into his mouth. I have also been in several cafes with him where he has stolen mugs he has drunk from, especially ones with logos or brand names on them. He monitors and seeks out coupons and timings of free meals, drinks, discounts on objects and organises his day around these timings, even if they are out of his way. On this particular trip I am currently staying in a very nice hotel in the city his mum lives in. I opted not to stay at her house as it’s uncomfortable and work are paying for my trip. In this hotel it’s full board, so you get really nice spreads for breakfast and afternoon tea and dinner as well as wine. He has not missed one of these - driving over for each meal and combing the buffet to take food back for his mum too. I have caught a flu on this trip and so I have been in bed the last two days. In all the rooms there is very fancy toiletries by a well known brand and every couple of hours they deliver cookies and baked goods. He has been bringing medicine over for me and looking after me which has been lovely. I have not been able to eat much at all but last night a few hours after he left I woke up ravenous. I knew there were a lot of food options in the room as I had seen them earlier when he’d been here. so got out of bed to see that on his way out of the door he has taken everything. Maybe about 10 cookies, all the fruit in the fruit bowl, he’d emptied the mini bar of the free stuff (not the stuff I pay for but everything that was complementary) and all the bulgari soap, moisturiser and free slippers from the bathroom. There was literally nothing left to eat or drink.

The irony is that if there is nothing free he will go hours and hours without eating or drinking anything. On planes he refuses to pay for the internet unless it’s free, will not buy snacks unless they are free. I have seen him go an entire 12 hour flight with no food or internet because he would have to pay for it. As far as it would seem he is a very wealthy guy. I have seen his bank statements, heard this from our friends who introduced us and from how he has lived since we’ve been together. For eg he has quite expensive hobbies - he spends money for ski and climbing experiences.

I just don’t know what this is, this compulsion. I have brought it up before and we joke about how he likes a “freebie” but I can see it’s a bit more than that. There is a compulsion / urgency about it. It can derail his whole day. Like he’s a man possessed. Have you been with people like this? Has it got a name? What does it normally mean?

It means he is a tight arse and will only pay for anything relating to his own interests/hobbies.
Does your employer know he is sharing hotel rooms/meals that they are paying for?.

SafeSex · 17/09/2025 19:07

I like a voucher/freebie as much as the next person, but that sounds quite extreme. Is there something in his past that would explain this behaviour?

Also, not really the point, but where are you staying that includes the delivery of fresh baked goods every couple of hours? I've never heard of this, but it sounds great!

NotToday1l · 17/09/2025 19:09

Cursebreaker30 · 16/09/2025 16:30

I’m divorced, have 3 DC under 11. I was and still am the main breadwinner so I work hard in a job that is full on and means a lot of travel. I met a man through friends 3 years ago and have been with him since. He is divorced with a 21 year old daughter who lives with him. He also travels frequently to see his elderly mum who lives in a city I frequent a lot for work, so he often joins me on work trips where we stay in hotels or at his mum’s house (which is not very comfortable) so I opt for hotels

He has been a breath of fresh air emotionally. I have felt very happy with him these past three years. He is kind and consistent, good in bed and I genuinely feel that he loves me. Living separately means I get the best of all worlds - my own space but time with him when I want too.

There is just one thing - since we have been together I have noticed he has a strange compulsion to seek out freebies to the point of outright cleptomania. I don’t even know if that’s the right word. Eg if we go to an event with a buffet or a hotel with a breakfast or afternoon tea, he will head straight there and take as much as he can, even to the point of lifting up and taking whole plates of the thing being served (eg a plate of smoked salmon) and if he can’t do that I have sometimes seen him start to choke on a particular item because he has stuffed so much of it into his mouth. I have also been in several cafes with him where he has stolen mugs he has drunk from, especially ones with logos or brand names on them. He monitors and seeks out coupons and timings of free meals, drinks, discounts on objects and organises his day around these timings, even if they are out of his way. On this particular trip I am currently staying in a very nice hotel in the city his mum lives in. I opted not to stay at her house as it’s uncomfortable and work are paying for my trip. In this hotel it’s full board, so you get really nice spreads for breakfast and afternoon tea and dinner as well as wine. He has not missed one of these - driving over for each meal and combing the buffet to take food back for his mum too. I have caught a flu on this trip and so I have been in bed the last two days. In all the rooms there is very fancy toiletries by a well known brand and every couple of hours they deliver cookies and baked goods. He has been bringing medicine over for me and looking after me which has been lovely. I have not been able to eat much at all but last night a few hours after he left I woke up ravenous. I knew there were a lot of food options in the room as I had seen them earlier when he’d been here. so got out of bed to see that on his way out of the door he has taken everything. Maybe about 10 cookies, all the fruit in the fruit bowl, he’d emptied the mini bar of the free stuff (not the stuff I pay for but everything that was complementary) and all the bulgari soap, moisturiser and free slippers from the bathroom. There was literally nothing left to eat or drink.

The irony is that if there is nothing free he will go hours and hours without eating or drinking anything. On planes he refuses to pay for the internet unless it’s free, will not buy snacks unless they are free. I have seen him go an entire 12 hour flight with no food or internet because he would have to pay for it. As far as it would seem he is a very wealthy guy. I have seen his bank statements, heard this from our friends who introduced us and from how he has lived since we’ve been together. For eg he has quite expensive hobbies - he spends money for ski and climbing experiences.

I just don’t know what this is, this compulsion. I have brought it up before and we joke about how he likes a “freebie” but I can see it’s a bit more than that. There is a compulsion / urgency about it. It can derail his whole day. Like he’s a man possessed. Have you been with people like this? Has it got a name? What does it normally mean?

Does he buy you dinner/ drinks when you go out or do ye go halves?

Does he ever give you nice gifts ( that he hasn’t picked up for free somewhere)

Are you still attracted to him even though he had these compulsions

FlayOtters · 17/09/2025 19:25

I know this is not the point of the post at all but I am so intrigued as to what airline does a 12 hour flight without meals included!

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 19:32

Who wants to date a miser OP? Reminds me of those extreme coupons in America, getting loads of stuff they'll never ever use.

HereWeGo1234 · 17/09/2025 19:37

That is one big thing!

It’s called meanness and trust me, it gets worse with age and will eventually spread across all aspects of life like:
Always looking for the cheapest petrol,
never buying the first drink in the pub,
re-gifting,
only buying food with yellow stickers,
only going out if there’s a 2for1 offer or a coupon involved,
missing out on buying something you want because he thinks you might get it cheaper somewhere else,
complaining about something to get money off

I don’t know if people like this are so wrapped up in their mean little worlds that they don’t realise how obvious their meaness is or they just don’t care.

I could go on … if I were you I would 🏃🏼‍♀️

LaughingCat · 17/09/2025 19:41

Cursebreaker30 · 16/09/2025 16:30

I’m divorced, have 3 DC under 11. I was and still am the main breadwinner so I work hard in a job that is full on and means a lot of travel. I met a man through friends 3 years ago and have been with him since. He is divorced with a 21 year old daughter who lives with him. He also travels frequently to see his elderly mum who lives in a city I frequent a lot for work, so he often joins me on work trips where we stay in hotels or at his mum’s house (which is not very comfortable) so I opt for hotels

He has been a breath of fresh air emotionally. I have felt very happy with him these past three years. He is kind and consistent, good in bed and I genuinely feel that he loves me. Living separately means I get the best of all worlds - my own space but time with him when I want too.

There is just one thing - since we have been together I have noticed he has a strange compulsion to seek out freebies to the point of outright cleptomania. I don’t even know if that’s the right word. Eg if we go to an event with a buffet or a hotel with a breakfast or afternoon tea, he will head straight there and take as much as he can, even to the point of lifting up and taking whole plates of the thing being served (eg a plate of smoked salmon) and if he can’t do that I have sometimes seen him start to choke on a particular item because he has stuffed so much of it into his mouth. I have also been in several cafes with him where he has stolen mugs he has drunk from, especially ones with logos or brand names on them. He monitors and seeks out coupons and timings of free meals, drinks, discounts on objects and organises his day around these timings, even if they are out of his way. On this particular trip I am currently staying in a very nice hotel in the city his mum lives in. I opted not to stay at her house as it’s uncomfortable and work are paying for my trip. In this hotel it’s full board, so you get really nice spreads for breakfast and afternoon tea and dinner as well as wine. He has not missed one of these - driving over for each meal and combing the buffet to take food back for his mum too. I have caught a flu on this trip and so I have been in bed the last two days. In all the rooms there is very fancy toiletries by a well known brand and every couple of hours they deliver cookies and baked goods. He has been bringing medicine over for me and looking after me which has been lovely. I have not been able to eat much at all but last night a few hours after he left I woke up ravenous. I knew there were a lot of food options in the room as I had seen them earlier when he’d been here. so got out of bed to see that on his way out of the door he has taken everything. Maybe about 10 cookies, all the fruit in the fruit bowl, he’d emptied the mini bar of the free stuff (not the stuff I pay for but everything that was complementary) and all the bulgari soap, moisturiser and free slippers from the bathroom. There was literally nothing left to eat or drink.

The irony is that if there is nothing free he will go hours and hours without eating or drinking anything. On planes he refuses to pay for the internet unless it’s free, will not buy snacks unless they are free. I have seen him go an entire 12 hour flight with no food or internet because he would have to pay for it. As far as it would seem he is a very wealthy guy. I have seen his bank statements, heard this from our friends who introduced us and from how he has lived since we’ve been together. For eg he has quite expensive hobbies - he spends money for ski and climbing experiences.

I just don’t know what this is, this compulsion. I have brought it up before and we joke about how he likes a “freebie” but I can see it’s a bit more than that. There is a compulsion / urgency about it. It can derail his whole day. Like he’s a man possessed. Have you been with people like this? Has it got a name? What does it normally mean?

Not read the thread but there is something called a scarcity mindset. Usually comes from a deprived or tough childhood as far as I can tell. My mum’s the same - she would nick the foot towels from the hotels and now tries to clear out our hotel rooms when we all stay in the same one as well. Now she’s retired, she obsesses over every penny. She’s perfectly comfortable, she doesn't need to do it but can’t seem to stop herself. I’m…well…the opposite 😂. Come across a few others like that as well. Sounds like he has the same thing…not much you can do about it, OP. My mum wouldn’t dream of getting any professional help for it. If it’s the worst thing about him, it’s not that bad…but if you ever want to take the relationship to the next level it will impinge on your life a LOT more.

Indicateyourintentions · 17/09/2025 19:57

FlayOtters · 17/09/2025 19:25

I know this is not the point of the post at all but I am so intrigued as to what airline does a 12 hour flight without meals included!

Iberia France to Mexico.

TheArtfulNavyDreamer · 17/09/2025 19:58

Ick and as someone who has worked in hospitality he’s a dick from stealing mugs from cafes. Why don’t you call him out on it. If he takes an entire buffet plate call him a greedy fucker. If he steals a mug then apologise to staff in front of him, say he has issues and can they add the price of a mug to the bill and if he takes stuff from your hotel room without asking tell him to damn well bring it back.

Indicateyourintentions · 17/09/2025 20:03

As the pp said: your mindset is either in scarcity or abundance. It can affect every aspect of your life. Daily gratitude is a good leveller but you have to see it and want to free yourself from its grip.
Good luck with this one and yeah call him and tell him to bring back your stuff. Don’t worry about his feelings because he sure isn’t worrying about yours.

Horses7 · 17/09/2025 20:16

Yikes - ick!
Discuss this with him and tell him what a turn-off it is, ask him to change as you can’t bear it. If he continues to behave weirdly I’d give him the boot.

Ooodelally · 17/09/2025 20:18

He sounds absolutely repulsive and a complete embarressment. I cannot believe anyone could possibly be attracted to him. Goes to show there’s someone for everyone, I guess.

Horses7 · 17/09/2025 20:20

Indicateyourintentions · 17/09/2025 19:57

Iberia France to Mexico.

Show quote history

I never fly Iberia, once was enough and it wasn’t lack of a ‘meal’ that was the problem - sorry to derail OP! I have written another comment concerning your post.

fetchacloth · 17/09/2025 20:21

This behaviour seems more like theft rather than compulsion.
Either way it's very odd and cringe worthy, also extremely embarrassing for anyone with him.
Years ago I knew someone with similar behaviour patterns and he had had poverty stricken upbringing as a child, where sometimes there wasn't food in the house, so I had some sympathy with that.

DiscoBeat · 17/09/2025 20:22

Has it got a name? Yes, 'tight git' covers it.

DiscoBeat · 17/09/2025 20:24

Has he bought you any gifts yet? Not necessarily expensive, but thoughtful?