Dating someone when you live over an hours drive away from each other.

[blendedfamilies101]

I’ve been dating a guy for 8 months and so far it’s going well, we live about a 70 min drive from each other and typically spend one night together each week.

We both have children from a previous relationship (both aged 7).

I wasn’t looking for a relationship when we first met, I was hugely attracted to him and thought it would be a few dates and that it would likely fizzle out due to the distance, however here I am 8 months in and I’ve developed feeling for him, we’re both very happy together.

I’m interested to hear if anyone has been in a similar position and the relationship has worked?

I’m an over thinker and have moments where I think that despite my feelings, it would be difficult to make this type of relationship work without a huge sacrifice by one of us - it would be difficult for him to move because he sees his daughter regularly, but no set days (eg he’ll do school drop off and pick up 3x per week then have her one night at the weekend), he also works locally to where he lives. Equally, my daughter is very settled where we live (my entire family and her dad live within a 10 minute drive). So moving in together seems impossible - not that I’m thinking of moving in yet, it would be a few years down the line. But, if we decided not to uproot either of our lives and continue to live apart, then due to our work and commitments I can’t see that we’d be able to see each other more than once per week which wouldn’t be enough for me.

I’m wondering whether I start to pull back and accept that the distance is too big an obstacle or whether to continue as we are and hope that one way or another we make it work - he’s a positive guy so when I talk to him about this he’s very much of the opinion that ‘we’ll make it work’ whereas I’m more of a practical thinker and don’t want to get in deep(er) with him and eventually introduce our kids if the reality is that we probably cant make it work.

I think you’ve thought this through very well.

I personally wonder if the long distance version might work better long term than you think? But if you know it’s not going to be enough maybe it is time to step back.

Yes! We live about an hours drive away from each other ( we have eow together and 2 weeknights per week too). Been together 5 years now.

My DP, of 7 years, has recently moved in with me - we lived approx 60 mins apart until now.

I have 2 boys, now 19 and 22, and decided I didn't want to have another man live with them (their dad and I split when they were young and their stepdad died).

For us, after the initial dating period and then staying over the weekend night my boys weren't here, DP got to know them and started staying .
most weekends, but not in the week.

Both of my boys suggested I ask him to move in when covid hit & we couldn't see each other, but we didn't.

Ds2 did his alevels last summer and DP and I had a chat about where we were going and we both wanted to live together. He then had a agency approach him about a job nearer to me where he has now been for a year commuting.

Ds1 has finished uni and has a job elsewhere. Ds2 has an apprenticeship and is living at home.

In retrospect, I now wonder if they'd have benefitted from DP moving in before now, but you do what you think is best at the time.

I live 1.5 from mine and still together 2 years on. I’m not really thinking too far ahead - we both have children and stuck where we are. It depends what you want long term.

Honestly, enjoy it and see where it goes. Living apart means you get good time together and don't take each other for granted. Over time you can introduce kids to each other and have weekends together ... as well as just couple time. Butet it flow.

If you don’t mind me asking, how often do you see each other and have you introduced your children?

You're sensible to think things through at this point. Without one of you moving and you both have equally valid reasons not to then things are likely to remain as they are and if that is not enough for you then it’s not going to make you happy. Spending years trying to make it work if there really is no compromise that’s satisfying (the heart wants what it wants) is just preventing you from finding someone else with a different situation that could. Equally, you could be satisfied with how things are now for the next 10yrs.

Once to twice a week depending on when they’re with their father and no I haven’t introduced them yet. I would now we’re two years in but it would have to be the right situation and that hasn’t cropped up yet.

I did that and it was weekends, which won’t be what everyone wants. But I can’t see anyone in the week anyway (I have my child then). So worked well for me. This lasted around 18 months then he showed his true self but I won’t go into that here 😅

I don’t want to live with anyone again so again this is my preference. If you’re wanting to see someone daily it obviously isn’t so likely to work.

We live a 70 minute train ride / 90 minute drive from one another. See each other every weekend and spend holidays together. It works quite well.

Edit to add: we have no kids and are planning to move in together in 2 years - no earlier due to circumstances (he’s studying part-time in his hometown). Agree with PP, you need a plan in place to end the long distance.

Depends on what you want from a relationship. If you are happy with this dynamic long term then go for it but if its not enough I'd end it now

Yes just under an hour away from each other, it’s been nearly 3 years. We see each other eow and some week nights. It works perfectly for me as we have a great time together but I also get my space. He’s mentioned us moving in together but like you I’m unsure how logistically that would work (both of us have school age kids) and I’m happy with how things are now.

What about your daughter's father? How will she move between two households? You should wait till she is 18.

It’s great to hear some of these positive stories of where long distance has worked out.

I meant to add to my OP that when we see each other it’s typically from 4pm on Friday to 8:30am on Saturday, so not a huge amount of time, but then occasionally we’ll get two nights in a row together.

But when we’re together it’s quality time, where we eat out, do an activity together, talk for hours on end etc - when I think about it, a lot of couples who live together might not get that much quality 1-2-1 time with their DP each week.

I was in a relationship with someone and we lived an hour apart. I wasn’t happy with the lack of quality time and felt it impacted so it didn’t last. Totally agree with, depends what you’re looking for etc

My best friend was in a similar situation. Eventually they continued living ten miles apart for 35 years.

I've been with my partner for 4 years. Like you, I met him accidentally when not looking for a relationship and I never thought it could last, but it has. We are 3.5 hours apart.

I have a son aged 13 who has additional needs and would never tolerate me living with anyone else.

We spend about 5-6 nights a month together, sometimes more during school holidays when my ex takes my son away for a few nights.

It is hard at times - so much planning. My partner has a very busy work and social life so while I love his independence, sometimes he has to change plans which I find very stressful. However - our time together is so special and we make every moment count. No drudgery, no bickering over housework, no boredom. Fantastic sex which just continues to get better.

We are early 50s. We do plan to live together in future which my son has left home but this is still years away. I have never had a long distance relationship before but overall - I am a covert now.

Is there any reason why you can’t ever spend Saturday together?

it does seem unusual it’s such a short window.

I live just over an hour away from mine. It’s been 12 months. It’s great. It’s made us take things slowly alto we have both met each others children.
we won’t live together until mine have left home and they are 18 &20.
it works well for us.

He takes his daughter to her sports classes on Saturday morning, then he plays a sport in the afternoon. It’s not great that we have such limited time. He’s free most weeknights, but I have my daughter then. If / when we introduce the kids I hope that we’d get more time together, eg he could come to mine one evening during the week.

We live an hour an a half apart but both work in a city in the middle. We have been together 5 years. We live separately with our own children. Over the years we have aligned our with and without children nights, so we now have 2 nights a week and every other weekend. We spend time as a blended family during the holidays. It may not be conventional but it works for us. I do really miss him when we are apart but it’s worth it. We will hopefully live together one day and we are really looking forward to growing old together. We get married in a month!

Well, it takes me almost an hour to get home from the city centre every day after work and I do it 5x a week after a 10-12 hour day, so it could probably work.

I dated a man for nearly 2 years who lived about 40 miles away but the other side of the Thames so the journey round the M25 and the tunnel/bridge meant it could take several hours at times.

Due to conflicting work schedules we saw each other every weekend and that worked for us - we did split but that wasn’t a factor

We lived an hour apart when we first met, but crucially neither of us had children so we didn't have that complication. It was difficult enough to move the relationship on without that, as you say, someone has to uproot themselves, potentially change job etc.
we dated for a couple of years before making the move and we've now been married 20 years.
Those first years were hard though. it was only because we felt such a strong connection that we could power through all the difficulties.