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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Date disagreement

47 replies

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 10:59

I have been dating a man for 6 weeks. We've been on around 7 dates. A mixture of pubs for drinks and food. walks,takeaways and an evening at the coast. We've been to each other's houses and we speak all the time.

This week he's wanted to go to a world food buffet. He wanted me to go on Friday. 8 was working and had a 7am start the following day.nill be honest I don't fancy it. The whole going up and piling up plates etc. I avoided it and we had a quieter date. I've had a rough couple of days and I'm overwhelmed. But he wanted to go out tonight. I got in there first and said about a bar that serves food near a lake near us. Or a drink then back here for a takeaway. Or he could come here and have drinks then we could plan something Saturday night. He replied let's go over to that buffet and go for a couple of drinks after. It's a 45 minute drive away. I told him I didn't fancy a buffet date. Which has lead him to think I'm making excuses to not see him and giving him the cold shoulder.

On top of this he's in a constant battle with his ex over
Her child that he has chosen to raise as his own. It's all drama with that.

I'm currently feeling down and like I've messed up because of my confidence and not feeling comfortable at a buffet restaurant,

Should I have just gone and not been so negative.

[post edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info]

OP posts:

Slinkyminky22 · 15/09/2025 11:01

Can you explain to him you don't actually like buffets, if that's why you don't want to go?? If you're very clear then that should sort it out. If not, you have a bigger issue.

DiscoBob · 15/09/2025 11:02

I would hate to go on a date to a buffet too! Just tell him you don't like buffets but would definitely like to see him still. If you do want to?

You mention drama with his ex, so maybe your seeing a few red flags and the buffet was just one of many?

AltitudeCheck · 15/09/2025 11:05

He obviously fancies the buffet restaurant and has offered this as a date option a couple of times, you've made excuses not to go but have you been clear that you have a problem (not quite sure what from reading your post) with eating buffet style food? Perhaps you need to spell out that so he understands its the restaurant choice you are rejecting and not him / him suggesting dates.

As for his ex/ child, you are 6 weeks in to a new relationship, don't get involved at all with his ex or his kid... just get to know him and decide if he's someone you like. You're speaking as though 6 weeks in you are partners rather than newly dating!

Original poster

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:11

I have told him. He thinks its an excuse. Because I was down yesterday and cancelled because I had a hard day at work which resulted in a death thats part of my job but it got to me. I wanted to see him tonight so suggested what I felt I could cope with, but he's snapping at me now saying I'm messing him about. Am I in the wrong?

I just don't like going up and piling my plate up. I've never enjoyed them places. I prefer to order my meal.

OP posts:

Jk987 · 15/09/2025 11:12

I’m more concerned he’s trying to take a child away from his mother. I under wanting to maintain a relationship but full custody of a child that’s not his own?

Wishimaywishimight · 15/09/2025 11:13

How on earth could he get custody of a child that is not his??

pictoosh · 15/09/2025 11:13

Personally speaking, I'd not be interested in becoming involved with his ex's child who he has decided to bring up as his own.
That would be the decision made for me.

Abominableday · 15/09/2025 11:14

I don't understand this. There will be something there you can eat, and you only have to put the amount of food you want on your plate and no one will force you to go back up!
If it was, say, Japanese food and you didn't fancy it but he did; would you go to please him? Or not?

Abominableday · 15/09/2025 11:16

"Piling my plate up" sounds either like snobbery or you're scared of food.
But it shouldn't be hard at this early stage so just let him go. Sounds like you have a tough job.

XelaM · 15/09/2025 11:18

I don't really get the issue with buffets. Your aversion to them sounds very odd.

Even more odd is his custody battle over a child that isn't his?!? What's that all about?

thecatdidit · 15/09/2025 11:18

@Doidatethis1 you said he's snapping at you. Not a good start as in the early days of anu relationship you usually show your best side. I'd rather be single than stick with an already moaning problematic person.

OrangeSmoke · 15/09/2025 11:20

I don't really get your objection to the buffet, in the scheme of compromises one has to make in a relationship it's such a tiny thing, I'd just go this once on the agreement that I chose the date next time.

However the tone of your OP suggests there are other things about him you're not keen on anyway, you don't exactly sound desperate to see him, so maybe he's not for you?

Starlight1984 · 15/09/2025 11:22

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:11

I just don't like going up and piling my plate up. I've never enjoyed them places. I prefer to order my meal.

I really don't see what a buffet restaurant has got to do with you having a hard day at work?

And why do you have to "pile your plate up"? The point of a buffet is that you can eat however much you want to...?

And why is trying to get custody of a child that isn't his?

Surely that's a bigger concern than the fact he likes buffet style restaurants?

Your whole post is very confusing OP.

Original poster

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:22

It just makes me feel,anxious going up and getting food. Maybe I am weird. I am also inexperienced and haven't been on dates for ages as I have been in relationships. It's just quite far away and he only ever seems to want to go in the tolle for drinks,

OP posts:

Original poster

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:23

He's not getting custody they've agreed to co parenting this child but all they do is bicker over him

OP posts:

Starlight1984 · 15/09/2025 11:23

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:22

What's the tolle? A pub? Why have you got an issue with this as well as the buffet restaurant?

OP are you the poster who went on holiday and wanted to keep a room spare so asked your BIL to share with your kids?! The writing style is very familiar.... 😐

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 15/09/2025 11:25

he's snapping at me now

Well that's him in the bin then surely? Why would you want to go out with someone who's not still on his best behaviour 7 dates in?

Sidebeforeself · 15/09/2025 11:28

God ,I hate buffets too but what a strange thing to have a relationship crisis over! It’s easily resolved …say ( not by text) something like

“John, I really like you and I want to keep seeing you. Im having fun. Im sorry but buffets are just not my thing ,but please dont take it personally. How about I cook for us instead? We’ve both had a rough week so it wold be nice to stay in with a nice bottle of wine”

And if that doesn’t work - bin him. It’s only been six weeks.

Cinaferna · 15/09/2025 11:29

He's snapping at you for wanting a quiet night with him when you feel overwhelmed? Not a good sign.

I remember trying to cancel a date with DH when we were first together, because I was feeling unwell. He begged me to come over. I did, feeling a bit pissed off that he had insisted. When I got there, he'd run a bath, there was a hot water bottle in the bed, he'd made fresh soup and bought a small supply of the toiletries he knew I used. He tucked me up in bed and left me to sleep. That was a good early date.

cinnamonbunlover · 15/09/2025 11:31

Plan to go to the buffet next Saturday when you have some space from your tough work week. You know it’s coming and can prepare mentally. That’s a good compromise. 45 minutes is a long way to drive for a buffet.

if he can’t hack your tough job then I’d throw this one back.

Him: shall we try the buffet tonight as we didn’t make it on Friday
you: it’s been a really awful at work and someone died and very difficult- don’t fancy a long drive and rather just do something more cosy. Shall we do x y or z
him: oh no that’s awful, I hope you are ok. Yeah sure let’s have something low key tonight - takeaways at yours? I’ll bring it over around 7pm
You : yes that sounds fab and we can go out next weekend
him: to the buffet?
you maybe 😂

sometime I just wish life would go lie this!

Suednymph · 15/09/2025 11:40

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:22

You are not alone. I do not like buffets either, I prefer my food to come to me rather than the other way around.

Original poster

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:46

I don't have issues with the tolle, it's just he's said no to all my suggestions and he's made all the decisions so far. I'm just not a fan of the buffet thing. I feel out my comfort zone with that. I offered alternatives he rejected them and said he wanted to do the buffet.

OP posts:

Suednymph · 15/09/2025 11:49

Well if he is only happy with things on his terms then it will never be a relationship so now is the time to wave him goodbye.

Sidebeforeself · 15/09/2025 11:50

What’s the tolle?

Starlight1984 · 15/09/2025 11:51

Doidatethis1 · 15/09/2025 11:46

What is the tolle @Doidatethis1 ?

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