Controlling husband? Am I overreacting? Am I as disrespectful as he says I am?

[Saraahh]

I'm just gonna give a few examples from this week. For context we're both Bengali Muslims born and raised in the UK.

1- I called my aunt. She speaks fluent English but Bengali is her first language. I was speaking to her in English. My husband proceeded to have a go at me saying I'm uncultured and disrespectful to speak in English.

2- We were getting ready to go out. I asked him "where's the ..." because I said WHERES THE he called me names and said I was rude and disrespectful and speaking to him like a roadman because I didn't say "have you seen ..." instead of where's the...

3- Today I was at my families house and ACCIDENTALLY hit my baby cousins head on the side of the crib as I picked him up. Ofc it was an accident and I felt TERRIBLE I was crying for hours from the guilt. His parents took him to the hospital for a check up (he's absolutely fine! The guilt is still there tho :( ). I called my uncle for an update whilst they were in the hospital and offered to go sit and wait with them. My husband said I was very disrespectful because I didn't ask his permission first.

4- Leading up to today, as there was a big gathering at my families house I asked my husband the other day if I should just stay at my mums tonight as it'll be late and he doesn't like me coming home past a certain time. I said I'll be home first thing the next day. He said yeah sure. Then yesterday he said he doesn't want me to stay. I had already told my mum I'm staying but I said okay I won't stay. He then changed his mind again and told me to stay because it's raining and he doesn't want me driving with strong winds. I'm now afraid to stay incase he argued with me over it (which he has done multiple times before). Turns out either way would've caused an issue because now I'm not listening and disrespectful for NOT staying.

Another example from a few weeks ago - I bought some hair dye. Similar to what my hair is already. He got upset saying I don't value his opinion or choice because I didn't ask or show him before I bought it. I chose a colour I know he'd like. After a lot of back and forth I said sorry okay I'll return it look online see if you like any other colours. He ended up choosing the one I already bought.

After today's events he decided to tell me he doesn't think this marriage is going to work because of my disrespect. Bear in mind I'm already upset and stressed because of my cousin and even my mum had spoken to my husband on the phone and told him to keep an eye on me. And he goes and says this not even an hour later.

Am I really that bad? And rude? Is he better off without me?

Controlling misogynist - get rid op

He has given you an out, grab it with both hands. Agree you should split up and never look back. He is controlling and abusive and it's only going to get worse. Choose a happy life.

He’s playing mind games with your head because it amuses him and he likes the way your behaviour afterwards (when you think you have lost your mind) makes him feel.

You will get a lot of people in here saying to just leave but in reality that might not be easy for you.

Have a look around to find a women’s charity for SE Asian women who are being abused so you can get sensitive and practical advice. Perhaps someone in here can sign post a path.

He’s using excuses from his religion and examples from his culture to control you. Once he has started to enjoy that extra power over you, it will be very difficult or impossible for him to willingly hand you back your equality. Think about what you want out of life and work towards your financial independence even if it takes years. Consider all resources available to you. Do you want your son or daughter to grow up thinking this is a healthy dynamic and repeating it?

If you don't have children yet, get out while you can

Who cares with your MIL thinks. If you divorce him, she’s not your problem anymore!!
his behaviour is not normal and is abusive. Please leave him. You’re worth so much more.

You really need to leave. Please get all your important paperwork together and to your mums. He sounds horribly controlling as are his family. You could do better - stay with your mum and rebuild your career and life without him.
If you leave you will have to take everything with you. And it sounds like he and your MIL could make that very hard.

It's definitely not you. It may be the last thing that you think you want but a divorce is the best thing for you.

It's domestic abuse, OP. Talk to Women's Aid or your GP or ideally both.

Can I ask where you got married? Was it in the UK and is it a marriage legally recognised here? That could also affect what happens going forward.

The whole family wants you at home so they can control you. So the best thing is to spend more time with your own family and friends, and tell them everything that is happening.

How can men be more important? The whole human race depends on a man and woman reproducing together. Can’t have one without the other.

Hi op
I grew up in a religious background (devout Christian).
Im not knocking faith in anyway but I find that the narcacist within the church would quote and misinterpret scriptures to their own controlling advantage.. im sure that your dh is doing this with in your faith
Also culturally we are all raised slightly differently so he may have slightly different options to you
I naturally ask my partners permission before I do anything such as dye my hair or go shopping etc as its how I have been raised so I sort of see where he is coming from with hair dye and staying out etc
However he shouldn't be correcting your speech, what language you choose to speak to your own relatives and being so nasty about the baby injury.
Id consider either just exiting the marriage if he is going to play silly games so he can get you to submit to his every whim.
You could also try writing him a letter before to explain how he makes you feel with putting you down and correct you.
Sometimes people's culture and faith doesn't always intertwine with modern day relationships and it can take time to find a balance.
Good luck x

He’s a very unpleasant controlling individual, leave. Would you be happy with a daughter of yours being treated this way? He is looking to keep you off balance and unhappy. Living with his family only reinforces his belief of always being right. Constant criticism and changing the goal posts is deliberate behaviour, he could choose to be kind or considerate. You do not have to live with this. Would your parents support you if you moved home and picked up your career again? Don’t stay life is too short.

OP, you are a British women, not a Bengali Muslim and you do not need to live like this.

He is a controlling misogynistic playing highly emotionally abusive and damaging mind games with you every day over the smallest things.

Divorce him and don't look back.

oh fuck that. I am Asian myself though not Muslim. Your husband is a controlling arse.
No way would I ever ask my husband for permission on any of the things you mention.

Call Women's Aid. They will advise you.

Well he's half right. The marriage isn't going to work.
Not because of you though, you sound really nice. He, however, is a controlling dick and you're better off without him.

Maybe it's better if you let him think it's his idea so it won't launch an emotional response from him and have a cleaner break, although he probably doesn't mean it, he's just being a dick and keeping you in your place.

He is extremely controlling please don’t have children with him he will make your life hell

call a domestic abuse advice service there are some available for Asian specific cultures as I imagine divorce etc feels even more taboo for you

He is abusive and controlling, I'd be making plans to leave this relationship, it will only get worse.

he is controlling and so is your MIL and his family. You cried for hours because you accidentally bumped a baby’s head and still feel guilty? They have gotten into your head to keep you small and obedient. This is only going to get worse I fear.

You’re way better off without him. Forget about not having a house. You can sort that out. Get advice from Women’s Aid / a charity and personally, I’d take his word (‘this marriage isn’t going to work out’) and move to your mum immediately.

You are in a good position to leave:

Your parents are okay for you to move back there
You are a qualified teacher (?) so you have good prospects to support yourself

Your life will be immeasurably better if you leave and divorce him.

Abusive misogynist. Dreadful men can find justifications for all kinds of nefarious behaviour in religious texts. Tell him that respect must be earned and he’s disappointing you. Then leave.

@Saraahh control and mind games !
He doesn’t have your best interests at heart he has his .

You are better off without this excuse of a man . He will destroy you .
The telling you the marriage won’t work is another manipulation. You should have agreed and taken the control back.

It's not you, it's him.

Some of your points are insane, I don't understand #2 at all, like wtf is the difference?
He is controlling and abusive and it will only get worse.

You shouldn't have to show him hair dye, it's your hair, not his. And you shouldn't have to think in terms of pleasing him for every single decision you make, including your hair.

Or worry about what your mil thinks.

You would be better free of him.
But I suspect he is using the idea of the marriage not working in order to get you to do more of what he wants.

He wants you begging and pandering to him "I'll do anything to keep the marriage" STOP, DO NOT do this. He doesn't want an equal partnership, he wants a servant and maid.

From your other thread you aren't legally married. Just go back to your parents as he hasn't even respected your cultural traditions re marriage and is refusing to legally marry you. It has more examples of him being abusive.