Frustrated and tired am I being unreasonable

[Autumnmornigs]

My Husband works away the majority of the year, when he’s home he’s rarely home before the children go to bed, therefore he doesn’t help with looking after the children, bath time, school related stuff, teas, housework etc.
it’s extremely rare he’s home to have tea with us, or here often at all.
When he is here he’s on his laptop looking at emails, spends a lot of time on work calls or at his garage near home sorting out work related things. We barely see him.
I can’t remember the last time we even watched a tv show together, he doesn’t spend anytime with me either, our last date was nearly 6 years ago.
I understand he works very hard but we have no life, he won’t take days out, he especially says he can’t take half terms as work is too busy so usually I’m out with the children alone.
I work doing the admin for his work from home during school hours and often after and I am so lonely, most days I don’t see anyone only a quick hello on the school run. As he’s not here most days I don’t get out, I don’t see friends & the friends I have spend all their time with with friends or their partners.
I love my kids so much but I don’t have a life outside of them because i have nobody to care for them.
I feel so drained but he doesn’t see that I’m struggling, I’m fed up of doing life on my own. We haven’t been away in a couple of years he promises time off but it never happens, we’ve had cancel holidays in the past that he’s said he’s too busy with work, this year I need a holiday more than ever but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen, he won’t disconnect from work.
like I say he works hard but when he’s away he often goes to the pub after work for nice food & drinks and I just feel taking the mick out of.
Mutual friends comment how hard he works and I just always feel invisible can’t they see that I’m lonely, can’t they see I’m the only one juggling work, childcare, house, my husband just has to concentrate on work.
I guess I am just looking to see if anyone is in the same situation? How you cope & someone you talk to.
thank you xx

I feel very sad for you. He's prioritising work over family - but there's no way he can't get the odd bit of time off. He's making a choice.
It's not just you suffering but the children, too. First things first, book yourself a holiday just with the kids. Not ideal, but a change might help you.

Also, can you afford to get some help? You need time off. xxx

Why have you let your husband control your life like that?

I presume you are an adult woman, we are in 2025.

Get into Feminism is all I can suggest.

More importantly, get financial independence on your own steam.

Your future self will thank you.

Make sure he is paying into a pension pot for you.

My Husband works away the majority of the year

Sounds very suspicious. There will be other women involved, sorry to say.

(Could be gay of course).

You need to employ assistance for the children.
DH should pay for that.
Seriously discuss the pros and cons of paying for help at bedtimes or him coming home earlier every evening.

At worst, can he come home and then go back out to work later for two hours?

Book a week long holiday and pay in advance. Book in front of DH (with dates supplied by him) and stipulate that if he can't come, you will have to employ a nanny for the duration.

Toughen up and insist on changes. It will take a while for him turn things around as he has been set in his ways for too long.
Be realistic about running a business though - often there are no paid holiday breaks. Saving for the holiday will include saving what the business will lose perhaps, and informing customers and employees of closure.

Visit the work place more often and try to assess and make suggestions of where time can be saved. Bad habits can prevail over time. Fresh eyes can be profitable.

You're his secretary not his life partner.

What you do next is up to you. In your shoes, I'd leave.

I think he's checked out. He certainly doesn't seem to have any interest in you or your children.

Please do not listen to the bitter rantings from women who will no doubt spout on about affairs and this and that who speak from thier own grievous experiences...

The only thing that will save this is open and honest communication. The best way to do this is through therapy or through your church or even a married couple who you both look upto that is a safe space.

You need to feel safe enough to say what you want to, without the possibility of defensiveness.

Only though communication and compromise will this man be able to serve his family and his wife better.

You don't have to be a " bitter woman" to see that OP doesn't have a marriage in the accepted sense of the word. She is her H's secretary, nanny for his children - who he himself has no involvement with! - and housekeeper.
Of course she needs to talk to her H about how unacceptable him apparently working all the time is - I assume she must have already voiced her feelings on this.
But honestly if he isn't prepared to change then of course OP would be better off divorcing him.

Good morning all
thank you for your replies they are really appreciated to see I’m being heard.
I am new here so apologises not posting individually.
I think I have mothers guilt if it was to find outside help like i am failing by admitting I need it and will people judge me for it.
I have suggested going back to work outside the company but he shuts it down and doesn’t give me support i just get well how will we sort childcare, and gives sarcastic comments about should I quit what I do sell the house get a rubbish job, anything I say is totally wrote off as if I am just moaning, as I don’t have many friends or any social life I thought working outside the home might get me some friendships and maybe people who have children who we can spend time with.
I have tried to talk to him I have tried putting into text I have tried to not sound like I am moaning but he shuts me off and calls me miserable.
I have considered showing him this thread to see if he can see it from someone else’s perspective but I don’t think he would even read it.
I would love to try couples therapy but he doesn’t believe in it he has the mentality you just get on with it and stop moaning.
he does message saying how far we have come and he loves us all but bottom line I don’t feel appreciated or seen anymore.
i understand why posters may think other women could be involved, it has crossed my mind but I lean more towards the fact he’s a workaholic.
sorry for ranting.
I do appreciate your advice from all angles xx

It sounds like he is deliberately isolating you and being really mean (abusive) when you try to broach the subject of finding life away from the home.

Look up emotional/mental abuse and coercive control to see if this resonates. If it does the contact Women's Aid or Refuge etc for more help on how to deal with it. How are your finances? Does he pay you a proper wage for your admin or is it a tax dodge where he ends up in control of it?

Edit - do NOT do couple's counselling until you are mentally in a better place bit certainly explore counselling just for yourself. It will help you work out what you actually want from life or "marriage ".

@AutumnFroglets Thank you for your reply.
I genuinely think he doesn’t see it, he doesn’t think he is I don’t honestly think he’s doing it intentionally but then when I’ve put down how he’s reacted I can see how that looks and I know if i was telling a friend I would say the same.
money wise I don’t have my own it’s all in one pot, he isn’t controlling with money, within reason I take what I need or want.
I feel like I’m in a stuck situation I make suggestions to help how I am feeling to get out the house and it’s knocked back, but it I mention it I am moaning and doing nothing about it from his side.
in his view I am very lucky to be able to work around the children I understand I am, I don’t have to miss things I really appreciate that but it doesn’t mean I can’t say this is hard I need a break I love the kids but not having adult conversations is hard xx

“in his view I am very lucky to be able to work around the children I understand I am, I don’t have to miss things I really appreciate that but it doesn’t mean I can’t say this is hard I need a break I love the kids but not having adult conversations is hard xx”

@Autumnmornigs Why does he think his view of your life counts for more than your view?

For a start, you need to lose the concept of him “helping” with the children because that suggests it is solely your job to parent. They’re his children, too. So why is he doing no parenting? Because that’s how it sounds. In the days before it was possible to work virtually, i had a colleague who intentionally stayed at work until after his young DCs were bathed and put to bed. Now most of my male colleagues get themselves home to do some evening parenting and then log on later if need be.

I bet your H is often deliberately avoiding the evening parenting shift. In these days of flexible working, it would be very easy for him to get home in time to do some parenting if he chose to do so but he’s a lazy and avoidant father.

Also, be aware that this idea of the nuclear family where the mother stays at home and does all the childcare is not particularly natural. They say it takes a village to raise and child and it’s true. Over the millennia, children have been raised in extended families where care was shared. In many cultures, parents work and the grandparents do the care. I combined paid employment with parenting. You’re allowed to put your DCs in nursery some of the time so you can do other things including work outside the home. It’s good for you and it’s good for them and it’s socially perfectly natural.

You need to revisit the discussions with him and tell him to start pulling his weight as a father.

That was my first thought too. He has opted out of family life and opted out of a relationship with you. Time to rethink and if nothing changes then would you want to split up completely. Just to clarify. I didnt think he was gay. That didnt enter my head. But immediately thought other woman.

Sorry - forgot the bit about him working away from home. The social isolation is bad for you. You need adult company and you need to be able to see your friends. Give yourself permission to have a babysitter from time to time so you can go out in the evening. Honestly, he sounds like he thinks you don’t exist in your own right but only as a mother and wife. He doesn’t get to veto what you need.

@Dery thank you for your reply.
I agree totally with what you’re saying. My family don’t support me with the kids my Mum doesn’t think it’s a grandparents responsibility she will say he needs to do more but has watched me struggle with feeling low and not offered to physically help which does hurt and also that she doesnt want to do more with the grandkids I thinks pretty sad.
I actually went to her house in hope to have my tea once brought my own food and she said I’d be better going home the kids were too noisy and she couldn’t be bothered that hurt, I’d gone because I wanted a time out and a change of scenery.
I feel like the kids see me as mum is always stressed and I feel guilty course they don’t completely understand, they see Dad as fun when he’s here daddy’s home mums boring but that’s because he’s a novelty.
Thank you for seeing my view you’re right in what you’re saying xx

@Viviennemary stranger things have happened haha
that’s how I feel! I think also he scrolls through insta a lot when he’s away and sees a these seemingly perfect families and the women saying they’re lucky have such hard working men and putting on this big smile he often sends me the videos quotes maybe from
men saying they do it all for their family etc believing what he watches not how often being the sole parent can be very draining, he doesn’t see the difference from appreciation of working hard to seeing I work equally as hard too at home. That’s the bit he isn’t registering. You are able to work and be away from home so much because you have my support at home xx

@Autumnmornigs - it’s a shame the grandparents are so disengaged. All the more need for paid childcare. You’re not supposed to be doing this without support. Sorry if i’ve missed it: how old are your DCs?

It’s a damn shame if he’s buying into the tradwife stuff. It’s not natural for mothers to raise children in isolation and it’s not actually traditional. Women have worked outside the home for centuries and children have been raised in extended families with childcare shared and, as i said, in many cultures, children are left with grandparents. I don’t think it’s “lucky” to have a man who provides and then absolves himself of having to parent. I have always loved earning my own salary and being financially independent. It is very empowering. But men like your H and the tradhusbands don’t like women to be empowered.

@Dery yeah I know id hate to think I would do that with my grandchildren, especially when you know yourself how hard parenting can be. I have a 9 and nearly 4 year old. They’re amazing like all our children but a little time in a grown up conversation, switch off from the mothers load for a couple of hours xx

A family friend had this with her husband, was always “working” turned out he had a secret family with 3 kids. She left him (obviously) and now leads a really happy life, she remarried a wonderful man.

Other people in your shoes often describe it as “solo parenting while married.”
You need a life outside the children, even if he won’t provide cover.

9 and nearly 4 - you’ve stuck this out for a long time. Once the younger one is in school, hopefully you can have a bit of a break then find some paid employment. You may need a bit of wraparound care but you need to get back out there and have your own income. And, i think, end your non-marriage to this disengaged man, but on a timing and on terms that suit you.

Of course he shuts you down, he doesn't want change and he doesn't care if you're miserable

Start taking money out and putting it away in a separate account for yourself.

Get yourself into paid work and resign from his business. Kids can go to wraparound care like millions of others.

Then divorce the twat.

@ComfortFoodCafe oh my gosh! Poor woman and kids. Very glad to hear she found her happiness xx

@Dery yeah the availability for wrap around care is much better when their in school I know the school does do this, something i need to look into in case there is a waiting list.
you’re right having my own independence and work friends and will make such a difference xx

@FeedingPidgeons haha I like your direct approach.
I know I have tried I have explained my feelings many times and it’s not changing I’ve only myself to blame for not doing something about it it’s hard to think that’s the way he must feel I always think maybe he’s not understanding but it’s quite clear from everyone’s responses he is just choosing to ignore it In hope I will just continue living this way as it’s easier for him if I do xx