Frustrated and tired am I being unreasonable

[Autumnmornigs]

My Husband works away the majority of the year, when he’s home he’s rarely home before the children go to bed, therefore he doesn’t help with looking after the children, bath time, school related stuff, teas, housework etc.
it’s extremely rare he’s home to have tea with us, or here often at all.
When he is here he’s on his laptop looking at emails, spends a lot of time on work calls or at his garage near home sorting out work related things. We barely see him.
I can’t remember the last time we even watched a tv show together, he doesn’t spend anytime with me either, our last date was nearly 6 years ago.
I understand he works very hard but we have no life, he won’t take days out, he especially says he can’t take half terms as work is too busy so usually I’m out with the children alone.
I work doing the admin for his work from home during school hours and often after and I am so lonely, most days I don’t see anyone only a quick hello on the school run. As he’s not here most days I don’t get out, I don’t see friends & the friends I have spend all their time with with friends or their partners.
I love my kids so much but I don’t have a life outside of them because i have nobody to care for them.
I feel so drained but he doesn’t see that I’m struggling, I’m fed up of doing life on my own. We haven’t been away in a couple of years he promises time off but it never happens, we’ve had cancel holidays in the past that he’s said he’s too busy with work, this year I need a holiday more than ever but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen, he won’t disconnect from work.
like I say he works hard but when he’s away he often goes to the pub after work for nice food & drinks and I just feel taking the mick out of.
Mutual friends comment how hard he works and I just always feel invisible can’t they see that I’m lonely, can’t they see I’m the only one juggling work, childcare, house, my husband just has to concentrate on work.
I guess I am just looking to see if anyone is in the same situation? How you cope & someone you talk to.
thank you xx

Stop martyring yourself and pay a babysitter to get yourself out to a hobby group, make some friends and do something you love. And prepare to leave as this is no life, you’re sacrificing your hopes and dreams and ambitions to fulfil his. And he doesn’t give a single flying fuck about yours, just happy to drag you along. Fuck that.

Get it out of your head that people will judge you for finding paid help.

You're fighting for your own survival here.

I was once married to a man who was a great provider - but he was never home. We never went on holidays and even an afternoon out was more than he could find the time for. Whilst other families had days out to the beach in summer, mine had a paddling pool in the back garden. My parents were also not a great help - it was as rare as hen's teeth to have babysitting so I could go out.

My ex steadfastly refused to hear me. He claimed I was moaning about nothing, but he contributed zero towards the marriage itself. I was constantly alone.

When I finally separated from him he was in disbelief and devastated. Tough on him, but he hadn't cared when I begged him to change his ways.

Eventually you will give up. Don't wait too long, as this is totally unfair on you. He doesn't deserve you.

Have you got any friendships you could work on or revive?

@Gingganggoo thank you, I know i am being silly thinking people would judge me, I just feel like I’ve failed sometimes, I see people in happy marriages, families at the parks and I’m alone, I know that sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, and I am I know this.
you have described to a tee how I feel and I am sorry you felt the same way, it does really hurt. I am very glad to hear you did something about it.
I do have a couple of friends but they don’t relate, their husbands work 9-5 jobs home for tea type, split childcare and spend a lot of time together so they don’t have time to meet up I have tried but it’s never comes off. X

@summitfever yep! He is doing what he wanted whilst my ambitions are non starters because I have let myself work around his. I am realising how daft I have been by not putting my foot down and now I am it’s like I am
ungrateful, I’m not I am just worth more than this x

Your husband is more than happy with his life. He spends are large proportion of his time working and doesn't have to bother with parenting, household chores, family admin or his own work admin. The man has a cushy life, in all honesty, from normal family responsibility. He's completely disengaged from family life, he's simply not interested in spending time with his children or you. To be perfectly honest, you don't have a relationship, let alone a marriage. You are nothing more than a glorified housekeeper, nanny, and employee. The fact you've expressed your worries to him, and he's accusing you of being ungrateful and miserable, says it all really. He doesn't want you having a life outside the children, home and definitely not working outside of his business. It would all be a massive inconvenience for him. You have several choices: put up with it, start making changes for yourself or divorce him. Personally, I would make changes, that don't involve him, with a long-term plan to eventually leave. If that means using childcare in the evening, so you can go out or finding a job that fits in with the children (a job in a school would be perfect) etc, then do it. Any money you earn, needs to go into your own account.

@Sassylovesbooks thank you for your thorough reply.
That’s exactly the words I have used to describe what I am to him.
I feel like he thinks the grass is greener but it would be a massive shock to him when he realises how much I do and that’s not blowing my own trumpet I just know he’d not be able to do what I do.
That’s it I am a convenience more than anything I am reliable and knows I will work around him, often he doesn’t even tell me when he expects to be home, just says when the job is done as soon as I can.

its not a life and you’re correct its not a relationship either, you shouldn’t feel so lonely in a relationship it’s just become the normal and why I posted on here because I just wanted to know I wasn’t being unfair and I had a right and to feel this way.
Now I understand this isn’t a normal way to live. Xx

From "Personally" - make this your plan.

@Sassylovesbooks has nailed it. Especially this:

“Personally, I would make changes, that don't involve him, with a long-term plan to eventually leave. If that means using childcare in the evening, so you can go out or finding a job that fits in with the children (a job in a school would be perfect) etc, then do it. Any money you earn, needs to go into your own account.”

And btw: this is not your failure - it’s his. He’s opted out of marriage and parenting because it suits him to ignore you all. He won’t hear you because it doesn’t suit him to do so. But you’re in the driving seat in your life, not him, so it’s time for you to start building in the things you need. In fact, it’s long overdue.

Thank you @Dery means a lot that I haven’t been going crazy and I and I need to take control of the life I want for me and the children.
it’s nice to know there’s support out there. X

Or he might just have a job that requires him to work away, FFS.

Just do it, get out of the house once a day, go for a walk or a coffee. Maybe find an exercise class, try to find out what other mums do and see if you can join them. He's controlling your home life and work life by limiting your possibilities, don't let him, everyone is entitled to a lunch break so use it. Also start taking some of that money you are earning and start a fund that will give you a fallback if the worst happens

show him your post. it's heartbreaking. his reaction will decide where you go from there.

Gosh how miserable for you. I’d leave.

It sounds like you have never been the centre of anyone's care and attention - including your Mum's. Given that experience, it is no surprise that you have tended to accept putting your own needs last and being taken for granted.

I think counselling might help. Your husband seems also to have got into the habit of consigning you to the periphery of his life, with no thought for your needs and feelings. Counselling may help you to examine how you deal with things now and how you might deal with them more effectively. It may also help you to break away from this unhappy relationship if it doesn't improve.

I really hope your life gets better.

Get rid and be happy.

@ellyeth thank you very much for your reply. I do agree I’ve put my life on a back burner because of it too. Time to do something about it I think xx

It’s hard when you are isolated like you are to have any confidence.
there is more to life than this existence! U only get one life, show your kids how to live and demand more or leave!

you are worthy of love and attention!

@Autumnmornigs OP, I wonder if reframing what this is would help to start. This isn’t a partnership, but maybe a ‘traditional’ marriage. Is this what his parents did? However, as this doesn’t seem to be the family agreement that you had when entering into it, this feels somewhat unfair.

As others have said, it feels like you’re his housekeeper, his secretary, his nanny. He is financially supporting the roof over the head of you and your children, so that has some value, however adjusting expectations from him contributing to you and the children I think might be helpful.

Please, please, please give yourself permission to have a life outside of mum, to lean on support. There’s a saying, that it takes a village to bring up a child, so there is absolutely no shame, or failure, by needing to have some time to yourself, while the children are in the safe care of somebody else. You would be a better mum for having that break, that contrast.

Would you be able to organise time away for yourself during the weekends when he is around being the fun dad? Even if you just go off to the library or to Costa and read a book for a bit or watch a film, anything that would help you just have a break from being on duty, even if just for a few hours, this might help you start building the confidence in granting yourself permission. Only you can assert this for yourself. He may not like it, and he has clearly shown he doesn’t understand it, or agree with it. He doesn’t have to. He is the boss of himself, he is not the boss of you.

As for the suggestions about leaving him, well, you probably wouldn’t notice too much difference in how your life is at the moment, however you would get to choose what work you do when you organise to see friends and family, but you would still need to lean on maybe hide help, if a natural situation might be tighter. However, sometimes it can be worse being in a lonely relationship than not in a relationship, I would seriously be weighing up the pros and cons of staying and leaving.

He isn’t going to change. The way your mother sounds, probably set you up for the husband that you have.

Either way, it’s about what you do now moving forward that matters. Certainly reading into coercive control, emotionally abusive behaviour, would probably be helpful, just to make sense of what you’re experiencing perhaps.

All the best for this, OP, there is some tough stuff ahead. But it’ll be worth it!!

You don’t have any relationship with him.
And he’s living the life of a single man, but I suspect he has another very different life elsewhere.
He’s trying to control you. I’d get legal advice as a first step This isn’t a life, at the moment it’s an existence