How do i financially afford to leave my partner? :(

[Kay98765]

I have a 3 year old and currently 7 months pregnant. I work for the NHS so don’t get paid enough to live independently, but equally not entitled to benefits.
My relationship has completly broken down and I am miserable and feel the household is becoming toxic and not an ideal environment for a toddler or my unborn baby.
Not married but we own our house and I feel so trapped and don’t know what to do and didn’t find citizens advice any help :(

What NHS band are you? You need to sell the house and go your separate ways.

You need to split up. But make a plan about when that suits you.
is there abuse? If you think so please tell your wise and she can help advice.
kf not abusive just hugely unpleasant then start dividing up days when you’re responsible for the big kid including bed time getting her dinner and clothes etc now so she’s in a good routine when you do split.
what will you do about baby? Will he be practically helpful or not?
tell a best friend or family member so they can support you at the birth and he can stay home with the big kid

I’m sorry you’re in this position OP. Do you know the figures on the mortgage, could you afford to buy out or be bought out?

I think this is very dependent on where you live in the country as to how you survive and are you sure you aren't entitled to any Universal Credit as a single parent?
Check entitledto website to work through as I earn an ok salary but would still qualify for some plus can claim back some childcare costs (instead of using the government childcare account set up)
I'm in the northwest so cost of living is cheaper. If you own your home you also need to work out what equity you have, talk to a mortgage broker (who doesn't charge) and see what affordability you have.
My mortgage is for 35 years and I had to fix for 5 to get an offer that I needed.
With childcare costs these can impact massively on what you can borrow mortgage wise so if someone can take the payments on for a while to improve your affordability that can help too (what they will loan can be half as much with nursery in there even if an actual mortgage payment wouldn't be that different)

Get free legal advice, prepare what you can.
Things will be tough, but you'll come out the other side. Kids grow up, so don't put the rest of your life on hold as they'll know when they get older.

Lean on family? Could you abandon all to live with them?

As there is a house and children involved, I would get some legal advice and then make some plans. Unless you are in any danger, then take your time and get your ducks in a row. never underestimate the scheming and conniving of a partner once you tell them it's over! Get copies of the mortgage stuff, bank statements, any other assets etc etc.
It's a bit like being Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible for a little while - except the mission isn't impossible, it just needs a little planning.

I am sorry - its not the best of times for you to do something like this - but then there is never a good time. It wont be easy, but then neither is staying in a toxic relationship. You will manage though.

Good luck.

Thankyou all. I know leaving is definitely what needs to be done as although he’s never been physically abusive, I do think sometimes verbally and emotionally. It upsets me so much that my 3 year old is around this. So I know I need to be thorough and careful about it, as my partner won’t make this easy once I tell him the decision. He won’t be amicable, supportive or even try and be on good terms - even for the children’s sake.
I get a flat rate band 3 and then will soon be going on maternity leave so definitely won’t be in a position to buy out but then no idea where I’d be able to afford to live.
Maybe It’s the hormones but everything seems completely impossible and overwhelming with where to even start 😢

I get a flat rate band 3

I would be very surprised if you aren’t entitled to help.

Agree with pp, get your ducks in a row. Photocopy everything. Seek legal advice.

I hate to say this, as it's what my ex used to say, but with the pregnancy, is it likely to be hormones at all or was he like this pre-pregnancy?
I am cringeing at just saying that to you as I am sure you know your own mind and what you heard/witness from him.
Do you keep a journal of the things he says and does, as with time it is easy to forget certain things. You may well need it later if he disputes anything too.

Are you able to wait until your mat leave starts, get some rest, be home more and able to plan a little more or do you feel that you need to get away quicker than that? Any close family or friends that could help? Social worker or someone in HR at the hospital maybe? Own GP or Obstetrician? Do they still have counsellors available to the staff in the NHS?
Maybe you could start your mat leave earlier as the stress is not good for you or the baby?

You have such a lot going on with work, home, relationship, pregnancy that support is probably much needed.

Too late to edit my post but band 3 is minimum wage (or only just above) so not sure why you think that you wouldn’t be entitled to help? Savings?

Have a look www.entitledto.co.uk

Do you have a trusted friend you could talk it all through with? Do you have much IRL support?

I think being a homeowner means you won’t be entitled to UC, for example. Definitely worth checking out other benefits via your link though.

@Plastictreees ahh

Being a homeowner does not rule someone out of claiming UC. however if op leaves the house and rents somewhere she would need to show UC that the property was in the process of being sold or that her ex was buying her out and then unfortunately if she ended up with over 16k of equity that was not going to be put into another property she would no longer qualify for Uc at that point.
Op I think your best bet would be to try to persuade him to leave for now.

This is not true. Being a homeowner means you won’t get housing element of UC but it does not disqualify you entirely, you can still be entitled
to standard, child element etc

Good job I said I think rather than know! Definitely worth checking what you’re entitled to OP as it may be more than you think.

Yes exactly and on not much more than minimum wage and then dropping earnings even lower on mat leave she is highly likely to .qualify unless she has over 16k in savings.

If partner stays in house and becomes a single parent, that house isn’t counted for UC. Someone I know did this. Moved into rented and worked 16 hours a week and got housing benefit. Govt web site has details.

I completely appreciate your reply, but unfortunately it has been way before. I have some videos/recordings of some of the things he’s said but often it’s the little back handed comments that get to you most that I don’t have a a record of.

My mum would be very supportive but im unsure she has the space and funds to support me +2. Although I definitely know she would try which will have to be my only option.
Professional wise I have no idea who or how they could help

Yes I agree. I need to get these ducks in a row. I will be having a look on entitled to tonight so thankyou for that tip.

i presumed I wouldn’t be entitled to any UC given the probable house sale/being bought out, but it’s something I will be seeking further advice on.

Working shift work is also not easy with an ex partner who will be sure to make things difficult with childcare

If equity from the house takes your total savings to more than 16k then you would not get UC. However you could claim until the point of the house selling as long as efforts are being made to sell. You would then perhaps need to live off the savings for a while until they drop below 16k again. It really depends how much equity you have in the property. Don't forget you would also be eligible to claim child maintenance from him which is not counted as income for UC.

Based on the average salary for a band 3, home owner so no housing element, no childcare costs & assuming you did not have savings which impact your entitlement you’d be looking at about £370ish in UC each month (standard allowance + 2 kids - the reduction for earned income).

If you had childcare costs or you were renting then that would increase.

On top of that you’d have child benefit for two kids- £187 per month, and if you were the only adult living in your home then you’d also be entitled to council tax reduction.

Depending on the child arrangements you could also then receiving child maintenance from their dad, the amount is dependent on his income but assuming he is working & is employed rather than self employed you can claim directly via CMS if needed.

It’s not piles of extra cash but it is some & worth having a proper look with your exact figures to check your entitlement as the more info you have the better you can plan.

I own my home outright, no mortgage. I’ve owned it outright since I was 25. I claimed UC 2 years ago after Covid caused huge losses in my sector and my circumstances changed. It wasn’t a problem; owning my home didn’t stop me claiming at all. I obviously don’t get any housing element, and if I was still paying a mortgage then they wouldn’t give any UC towards that. You only get help with rent. But you still get the rest of the UC, without housing element.

There is a caveat to this, depending on what your plans would be OP regarding whether you would be looking to buy somewhere you can afford or rent.

If the money from the house sale is used to buy a new home, as long as that home is your main residence, then it is not counted as savings. So you could still claim UC while you have that amount sitting in your bank even if it is over 16k for up to 6 months as long as it is clearly being used to buy a new home. It’s only if you don’t buy another home within 6 months that UC will count it and you’d then be in the position this poster has said whereby you have to use those savings to live.