GF worried about getting pregnant because of what her family will think

[DeftNavyTiger]

Me and my GF have been together for over two years, We decided to move in together at the start of the year and we have a mortgage, we both have steady jobs and we aint struggling financially. My GF grew up very strict, she was never allowed out when she was younger in which now she doesnt have any friends, she was never allowed any BFs (im the first man shes been with) and her family was worried about her getting pregnant. Me and her decided to move in together because she didnt want to be living in that enviorment anymore and since then we have had more freedom because previously we wasnt even allowed to spend the night together or go on holiday together because her parents wouldnt allow it. Since we have moved in together we have been on a few holidays and it was her first time on an aeroplane. She is 25 while im 27 so I think its a good age to start trying for a baby, she also really wants kids and wants to try next year but she is really worried about what her family will think and she knows all hell will break lose. She is also worrying about when we have a baby what will happen at events like getting our baby baptized, she is also worrying about things like finding a god mother because she doesnt have any friends. She is actually very chatty and bubbly but she says making friends her age is very hard and she works in an enviorment where its mostly older women.

But then if she does get pregnant then the last thing she needs is all that stress and hate coming from her family. I know she can just "block" them completly but then it will still be on the back of her mind.

Get married first even if it’s cheap ceremony. I personally don’t understand the rush. I got married age 22 (religious upbringing parents would have gone mad if we lived together). Had first baby at 29. Gave us time to progress careers and save money. Have 3 DC at age 29, 31 and 35. Only reason for gap between DC2 and DC3 was that I moved jobs.

I’m 50 now and in great health. I still feel young.

DC 1 and 2 living away from home at uni. DC3 is in year 11.

@DeftNavyTiger "People and all the "romantics" who have watched too many romantic films are going to hate what I say here but relationships are transactional. It might not be for money but you get with someone for a reason and what they can offer and if they can make your life better. Also, another big reason is for kids and at the end of the way we are animals and we are programmed to procreate."

Says the man who has literally only had one relationship. OK hun, thanks for the insight 😂

Ahhh love's young dream

Gently, OP, you sound fairly naive and two years isn’t a huge amount of time together. If you split up then she’s going to become even more sheltered and likely go back to her family, and you’ll be dealing with them while you try and coparent. I feel you’re projecting your worries of death onto rushing her into having children. You’re both still young. The average age for a woman to have her first baby is 29. You need to let her find an independence first. Motherhood already takes some of your identity away and it sounds like she hasn’t got much of one to begin with. I’d suggest you look into a bit of therapy to deal with your health anxiety (I’m not judging - I have it too) and encourage your girlfriend to explore the world a bit more in terms of finding hobbies, friends etc. Let yourselves grow, let your relationship grow, then think about getting married (first for her sake) and having children. You have plenty of time.

Nonsense.

A child is more expensive than a wedding long term.

If you’re serious then do the registry office.

She needs to sort out her concerns before pregnancy as much as possible.

Lastly you’re both so concerned on what others think it’s really not healthy.

I'm not sure where to start. Your poor GF has finally become free from her stifling parents. She needs time to breathe and enjoy her new life (including her relationship with you) before being pinned down by more restrictions. Once you have kids, life becomes restricted again, especially if you're the mother.

You say she's agreed to try for kids next year but it sounds like your idea. She may have agreed because she's grateful to you as her "rescuer" rather than because she actually wants to. You've been very clear in one of your posts that you see relationships as transactional - do you think as you saved her rat she now owes you three children?

Let the lass have some breathing space to enjoy her first home, first relationship, first holidays for a few years.

Your reasons for having kids so soon are just weird. You want to have them now in case you die in your 40s? Do you have a terminal illness? If not it's unlikely that you will die in your 40s or even 50s. You might as well be fretting about dying in your 20s or 30s! Get some perspective, live in the moment and enjoy what you have now rather than hankering after what's next on the horizon.

If your GF is truly willing to curtail her new found freedom and knacker her career and pension prospects by having kids young, then she'll be better off married first. This is an odd sort of excuse: if you dont spend that much on a wedding people will think your being "cheap" or you must not love her much. I hate to break it you but a lot of people think this about men who don't marry the mother of their children at all.

I think it already did.

Poor girl.

You really don't have to spend a lot of money to get married.
😄

I dont think that a woman must be married to have kids, by any means. I'm a proud single mum and if I had my time again I would have my dd by sperm donor

But you not being keen on marriage but wanting her to have your kids is off

The subtext of what she is saying is that she wants to be married, imo. If you dont want that then you should leave her alone.

Leave her alone and spend some time in the world xx

You're selling her short by not marrying her. It doesn't need to be a huge overblown day - a nice dress, a handful of friends, and lunch at a fancy pub - done. If you're not willing to do that much then why on earth are you thinking of kids, which will enrage her family and leave her financially vulnerable? Why are you not making a proper effort with the in-laws? Are you really committed to this relationship?

You can be friend with people who are different ages to you. This is pretty normal once you enter the world of work.

Not trying to be harsh but I think there's a lot of issues that need to bee ironed out before she becomes a parent.

This doesn't sound any fun?

Don't patronise me.

I do have basic requirements, and mansplaining isn't one of them.

How come her family doesn't put you off?

Is it because it makes her ripe for being isolated from them?

You talk a lot about your thoughts and feelings on certain things and not a lot about hers. Would she rather get married before children? Would she want a big wedding or a small intimate one?

At 25, and with her upbringing, she's probably still figuring out who she is and what she wants. My advice is to give her the time to do that.

I appreciate this is your first serious girlfriend but there's no need to rush when you're both young. You also need to stop viewing relationships as a business transaction, she isn't a womb for hire. Make sure your relationship is solid, two years isn't very long. Children change everything and there's no going back once that starts. Either you do it right and you'll have a family forever, or you do it wrong and you're a single man and weekend parent. You need to spend time figuring that part out.

So neither of you lived independently before moving in together? Do either of you have a life away from each other or do you do everything together?

https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/plan-your-ceremony

A wedding can cost as little as £56

Which is why you should get married first! To legally protect each other and any children you might have. No one HAS to spend 10k on a wedding; the marriage is the important part, anyway.

I think you both are a good to become parents, but it sounds like your gf would enjoy some of the freedoms of the adult world first. Because once you have a child, that freedom is mostly lost

Both of you care far too much about what other people think.

I empathise with your GF, because I battled with the same thoughts when I had my own children, particularly the second baby (my mother had said that I wasn't allowed to have more children because it was too stressful for her - with distance I can see that this was a totally inappropriate, selfish, controlling, bizarre thing to say. But at the time, still gripped by behaviours and thought patterns that had been firmly trained into me in childhood, I was paralysed by the thought of upsetting my mother). So I understand where she's coming from, and I know that these feelings and thoughts can exist and they're very difficult to deal with. It causes terrible anxiety.

Knowing what I know now, I would say that your GF might benefit from accessing some therapy, maybe CBT, to unpick the fear and anxiety she has around her family, and to do this before you have children. In my experience you can kick the can down the road but at some point you have to face the childhood and the unhealthy family dynamic and the impact it has had on your behaviour.