GF worried about getting pregnant because of what her family will think

[DeftNavyTiger]

Me and my GF have been together for over two years, We decided to move in together at the start of the year and we have a mortgage, we both have steady jobs and we aint struggling financially. My GF grew up very strict, she was never allowed out when she was younger in which now she doesnt have any friends, she was never allowed any BFs (im the first man shes been with) and her family was worried about her getting pregnant. Me and her decided to move in together because she didnt want to be living in that enviorment anymore and since then we have had more freedom because previously we wasnt even allowed to spend the night together or go on holiday together because her parents wouldnt allow it. Since we have moved in together we have been on a few holidays and it was her first time on an aeroplane. She is 25 while im 27 so I think its a good age to start trying for a baby, she also really wants kids and wants to try next year but she is really worried about what her family will think and she knows all hell will break lose. She is also worrying about when we have a baby what will happen at events like getting our baby baptized, she is also worrying about things like finding a god mother because she doesnt have any friends. She is actually very chatty and bubbly but she says making friends her age is very hard and she works in an enviorment where its mostly older women.

But then if she does get pregnant then the last thing she needs is all that stress and hate coming from her family. I know she can just "block" them completly but then it will still be on the back of her mind.

You do both sound very anxious though - her about her family and you about all kinds of random things. Dropping dead at 27? Very unlikely.

@DeftNavyTiger - you say:

“I have been thinking about marriage and she does meet my requirements on what I want in a woman to marry.”

It’s good that you’re thinking about marriage but it does read like you’re on a box-ticking exercise which will get you children ASAP rather than planning a future with a woman you love which will also work for her. I agree that late 20s/early 30s can be a good age to start parenthood (though i came to it later). But your girlfriend/fiancee is only 25. She needs some time to be her own woman, not get rushed into motherhood. Let her live for herself for a bit.

@Mumof1andacat well they do but you also have to be attracted to your partner (in all ways not just physically). We did wait a year and a half to have sex (We both lost our virginities together) because she said that she takes that seriously and wouldnt have sex with any random man so with that attitude thats another reason why I would marry her.

I never said I wasnt going to marry her, I want to and we have both agree'd but then her parents aint married and they have been together for 30 years

You both sound very young and naive. I think you need some fun before you settle down. Do you both have steady jobs and a home? Can you afford children. Why don you think that people will think you don’t love her if you have a small wedding but are completely fine to have babies without the commitment and security of marriage- makes no sense at all!

What a lucky girl that she "meets your requirements" @DeftNavyTiger

Stop pushing her, you sound as controlling as her parents.

This is confusing. If they’re not married and have been together 30 years, why would they have an issue with her having kids (whilst unmarried)?

And the fact that you seem to believe that getting married is a bigger deal (and more expensive) than HAVING KIDS is genuinely baffling. You don’t sound very mature, OP.

I have been thinking about marriage and she does meet my requirements on what I want in a woman to marry.

Are your requirements for the woman you want to marry different to your requirements for the woman (or women, I’m unclear as to your plans) with whom you have children?

@Sandyshandy yes we both have a mortgage together and a dog, we have also went aboard a couple of times this year and it was her first time going to a different country.

"I think you need some fun before you settle down" im curious what exactly does that mean to you? Because when people say things like that I think to myself "do they mean for us to break up and sleep with lots of people" Before settling down lol.

Also, late 20s is where you should be settling down in my opinion and have kids (or plan to) and have a mortgage. I think Running around clubs and going on lads holidays is not living and enjoying life in my opinion, I have been on a lads holiday before and honestly I get more excitment going to the gym or reading a history book than running around a night club full of vomit and sweaty shirtless lads in greece lol

@Arregaithel I dont think im pushing her, I have asked her multiple times if she is ready for kids and to try next year and she has said "yes"

This. Let her live her teenage years a bit before rushing into parenthood.

Jesus, I worry she's come from a strange, controlling family straight into a strange, controlling relationship.

Have you had any/many relationships yourself?

She meets your requirements?

How romantic. 🙄

@BuckChuckets no this is my first relationship and the first woman I have been with but what is wrong dating someone who "meets your requirements"? Because im sure all the women on here have requirements for a partner also.

I think you need to take a step back and let her live a little. Encourage her to join clubs/the gym and make friends. there are also apps she can use to make friends and I know there are groups on FB for making new friends.

Im in no way saying you guys should break up but let the girl experience life.

if her upbringing was that strict etc mentally I would worry she’s not fully ready to have kids etc and needs to enjoy life. Life experience and trying new things and experiencing what it’s like to truly live is important

if your that intent on being with her then marry her first. It doesn’t need to be a big fancy wedding costing £1000s but something simple and personal to both of you. At the end of the day a wedding is just that but if 2 people truly love each other then it’s about the commitment to each other

This. It sounds like such a small, limited, depressing life.

Ideally, they break up, she lives in a flstshare with kooky exciting people for the rest of her 20’s, does some solo travelling, discovers her passions and learns to care less about what her family thinks.

@DeftNavyTiger

"do they mean for us to break up and sleep with lots of people" Interesting that's where your mind went.

"fun" does not mean sexual encounters, it means enjoying your life together without the commitment of child rearing, for now

eta "I have asked her multiple times if she is ready for kids" so you are badgering her?

You're either controlling or naive/young for your age, I can't work out which. What was the reason you never had a relationship before your mid twenties? Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with waiting, but I feel like she's had a damaging upbringing and it would be very easy for her to end up in a damaging relationship.

All of this is why if I was your girlfriend’s parent that I would be telling her to wait until she gets married.

You can get married for less than £1000 if you wish. If you want to view it as a contract to secure each other’s future and commit to one another, you don’t need to spend much or invite anyone other than the essential witnesses. As for people thinking you are cheap, people always have opinions on all kinds of things and it seems strange that you are so sensitive to this one. Perhaps that’s because you agree with it.

Yes!

I don’t know if you mean it but the way you speak sounds like she’s walked out of a controlling home into one where you do all the thinking for her. I honestly wouldn’t rush into having babies, she might change a lot in the next few years as she spreads her wings and unfortunately this might mean you’re not in those plans.

@ThreePears have you got requirements for a man (i.e personality, height, income, if he wants kids or not, political views, body type, vegan etc)?

Because id find that really weird if women only date men because they are nice and that they dont care about anything else. As a man I wouldnt date a woman if she was just nice, I have to be physically attracted to her and we have to be compatible in other ways. Most people in general are somewhat nice, that isnt enough reason to love someone imo.

People and all the "romantics" who have watched too many romantic films are going to hate what I say here but relationships are transactional. It might not be for money but you get with someone for a reason and what they can offer and if they can make your life better. Also, another big reason is for kids and at the end of the way we are animals and we are programmed to procreate.

But it doesn’t sound as if you are fulfilling your transactional side of the bargain.

She doesn’t want to have children with you. That might change in the future or it might not. There are some people who are not programmed, as you call it, to procreate.

I suspect that at some point, now she’s taken the first step and moved out of her parents’ control, she will leave your control and learn to live her life and realise what she wants. I wouldn’t have children with her because I’d wager you two won’t last as a couple.

I predict that this thread is going to go South very very soon.

The OP isn't responding directly to the advice he is being given, which is that It's too early for children and that his girlfriend needs time to become more independent. @DeftNavyTiger have you found this thread useful so far?

You can get a very quick ceremony and if her parents want to do a huge party they can pay