I've never felt 'safe'.

[DontEvenKnowIfICanExplainThisProperly]

That's it, really. There's no part of my life where I've ever been or felt 'safe'.

We grew up in an abusive home where we weren't safe. Not as unsafe as many others but never 'safe' emotionally or physically. We had no family other than our parents and one grandparents so no one really knew.

I've struggled with friendships and relationships ever since. I don't trust people easily and live in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze.

I went to university, got a first class degree and a masters and work in a professional career but only ever on temporary contracts because working in a permanent role caused a lot of anxiety around feeling trapped (my profession has long notice periods and there are only three points in the year we can leave). So I've never had any 'safety' or security at work.

I've always worked but my pension isn't great because of how I've worked.

I rent because I've never been in a position to buy. Which is, again, unsafe and I feel it constantly.

I don't feel safe in my relationship because I feel so inadequate. I'm not a 'good catch'. I have all the potential on paper to be but I'm not.

I'm disorganised no matter how hard I try, riddled with anxieties, plagued with self doubt, fearful and withdrawn. On the surface, I look like I've got it together but just below the surface, I'm so sad, scared of life and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

This isn't menopause or perimenopause, this is my whole life and always has been.

It's not that I haven't tried. I've had hobbies, I've made friends but I'm scared of letting people get too close so I overshare or push them away because I feel so anxious all the time. I have a deep belief that people just fundamentally don't like me and I don't really have any evidence to the contrary.

I go to bed scared of facing another day. I wake up scared. I love my job but feel scared at work, scared of the lack of security, scared of the future. The workload is high, which both keeps me occupied but also doesn't really allow much time for other things I could do to improve things. I'm scared every day of being homeless or paying bills, even though I can afford to and don't have money worries as long as the work keeps coming, which isn't guaranteed.

I know I have it better than some. I'm not complaining about my specific circumstances, I just don't feel like I can live with the sadness, fear and feeling that I can never relax and feel safe.

I'm physically tired, emotionally drained and anxious and on high alert all the time. It shouldn't feel like this. There's never a time when I can just breathe out and feel OK and there never has been. I felt like this as a child, as a teen and at every stage of my life. I can't look back at any point and remember it as a time when life was good or I felt safe. I'm just weary of it now.

I know it probably looks like I've brought all this on myself, and maybe I have, but, at the time I've made each decision, it's been based on what I could deal with at the time. I've just been in survival mode my whole life. Each decision I've made has been part of a bigger plan to change/improve things but my fear and my inadequacy has meant I have just been stuck.

Do you have children?

Do you live with your partner? How long have you been with your partner? Do you love them?

You need therapy OP to help you process your traumatic upbringing and move forward. You're stuck, because you've never dealt with the trauma in your past or learned strategies for putting it in its box. Please find a good therapist. The fact that you blame yourself for how you feel and behave shows that you have a lot of work to do with them. It's not too late to turn things around.

Sounds like you have cPTSD which is pretty debilitating. You have done an amazing job to achieve what you have whilst suffering from Ptsd. Get some EMDR. It will change your life.

Sympathise, I live very much like that too. It's extremely exhausting. You have done incredibly well to go to uni, qualify, work your very hard on yourself. I'm a perfectionist too have high anxiety and never truly relax from being on high alert.

I know it probably looks like I've brought all this on myself

Please don't blame yourself.
You haven't brought it on yourself.
When children are brought up in emotionally neglectful and abusive homes it actually alters the physical structure of the brain.
And you have been conditioned from childhood to feel as you feel.
Have you had talking therapy at all OP?

Try EDMR therapy. It deals with childhood trauma that then goes on to shape our thoughts and actions.

You don’t have to continue feeling like this.
Have you ever tried medication from the doctor?

that sounds exhausting. I think you are very strong to keep going in these circumstances.

do you have a savings account? If you can save a little money so you have a nest egg, that might give you a bit of financial security.

It's not your fault. I was very much like that I know exactly what you mean. For many decades, my ultimate dream was to have a family home still available with my childhood bedroom still there waiting for me in the event that I ever needed it. Yes, my greatest fear was being homeless. I had, and still do have, nightmares about it, but time and events and working on myself have improved the situation.

I highly recommend EMDR as a starting point.

Hi. Thanks. I have had therapy but I've never found it particularly helpful.

I emailed someone about EMDR last year but they didn't get back to me. Again, I know it's sounds silly to not have chased it up but taking any action requires such a huge effort that I just don't feel I can face it again for a while and, before I know it, a year or two has passed.

I don't know how EMDR works (I know what it is) but I've been to so many talking therapists over the years and I just can't really face starting at the beginning and going through it all with someone new. I know its not a talking therapy but i preume you have to give them something to work with?

I was 18 the first time I saw someone. There's an extra 32 years of crap on top of that now. I've had therapy a few times but the last one I was referred for was DBT and the therapist pretty much accused me of being flakey in the first session. I'm not afraid of being held to account but i need to feel safe. Maybe she was just setting expectations but I just felt I was being told off by someone else and knew I wouldn't be able to open up to her so I didn't go back.

I often wish there was a door I could just slip through unnoticed and not return. I'm not going to 'act on it' so that's not a concern but it's a hard feeling to 'sit with'.

I just feel that if I had safety in even one area of life, I could find it elsewhere or deal with the lack of safety elsewhere or I'd have something to build on.

My first experiences with EMDR were with a therapist, but mostly since then I do it myself at home. I have just searched Amazon and found this book - not read it but it shows you can do it yourself at home:

EMDR book

One way I have used it is to stop certain songs 'triggering' me. I would be out and about minding my own business, feeling fine, then go into a cafe or shop, hear a certain song, and be taken right back to the past to painful situations that could then affect me for days. I used EMDR to get rid of this and then to alter it so that I actually like these very same songs and had no negative effect from them at all. It is very powerful.

OP you sound just like me.

I'm on prozac 60mg per day to help with anxiety/depression and have just been diagnosed as having CPTSD. I've been offered therapy on the NHS.

They have offered me schema therapy which is done in a group of 8. I really liked the therapist who assessed me and who is doing the schema therapy but I am very nervous of doing it in a group.

They also offered me individual therapy and so I am waiting to find out if that is schema therapy or a different type? The schema therapy does sound very good and suitable for me but I have to say I would prefer individual therapy.

It hasn't been a quick process but I am very grateful to be getting help on the NHS.

I did try a private psychologist once but he was rubbish and I gave up after a few months.

The NHS lady was a clinicial psychologist and I have to say was miles better. (private clinical psychology is very expensive as I looked into it)

I've been on prozac for over 10 years now and I'm only getting help now in middle age after a further decline.

It took about 4 months to get the assessment by the clinical psychologist and now I am offered the group therapy which starts in 8 months (although I was offered it in a further away location starting very soon).

If I take up the individual therapy the wait time is a year.

I get 20 sessions of whatever I pick. Privately this would cost about 20 x £130 so it's certainly worth having through the NHS if you can get it (and it does sound like you would qualify).

I'm very anxious about going for the therapy but I figure I have nothing to lose so am going to go for it and hope it helps.

Like you my childhood was scary, chaotic, abusive and violent and like you I have never felt safe or properly relaxed.

I wish you luck and you are not alone.

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. I can certainly identify with a lot of what you are saying. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice! I’ve tried therapy but given up after a few sessions but maybe if you could do better than me and give it a go, that would help.

A book called The Happiness Trap helped me in some ways.

The book the body keeps score explores how early years trauma can affect you well into adulthood and explores some modest of therapy that can help restore balance.

EMDR is particularly effective for ptsd. You don't have to go into huge detail with the therepist about what happened but when I had mine I had to visualise particular specific events and places and then think about them whilst tapping. It is really hard work but after about 6 months of a once a fortnight session it had made a huge difference. I am pretty much back to normal functional levels now a year after treatment finished but mine was ptsd not cPTSD.

This is a really sad post to read. OP you've done so well so please try not to be too hard on yourself. I agree that therapy would be a good option- perhaps someone who specialises in Internal Family Systems. However if you are feeling burnt out from therapy and talking about your past I would suggest coaching for now. Catching will help you hold yourself accountable to goals. So that might be getting and staying in a job for 2 years, which may lead to you saving a deposit and getting mortgage approval.

You are worth a stable and secure life OP and its not too late to pull it back. Therapy can then come a bit later on once you feel you are achieving some things.

I'm not sure I could single out specific events anymore. There's so much that it's overwhelming to even think about it really.

It's everything. There's no part of my life that isn't negatively affected by it and everything is compounded by what has come before and what is happening beside it, above it, below it. It's all so interwoven. I'm not sure how easily I'd be able to separate the threads or know which ones would be important.

I'm not making excuses, I'm just trying to he really honest about where I'm at.

I feel like I've spent a long time just trying to keep my head down and get through life that I don't know which way is up anymore. It feels like the whole thing has been smoke and mirrors and deflection so that no one would see the truth. It's been a long time since I 'crumbled'. Decades probably.

I've spent a long time trying to 'pass' as ok and, in some respects, I've done OK but I'm an island really. My partner is loving and empathetic but lacks the capacity to understand the depth of my sadness/fear/feelings of being unsafe and I wouldn't expect him to. Its not his job and I haven't told him how I feel. He knows facts but not feelings.

I think it could work with strong feelings rather than specific events. I had pretty much blocked the entire period out of my memory but found that as I started the EMDR, bits came back and as I worked through those other less extreme ones surfaced until they had all calmed down. It was a bit like unpicking some sewing or untangling a big knotted ball of wool. As it went on it got easier but was very hard to start with.

Could you ask someone else to push for EMDR on your behalf and advocate for it for you? I totally get the not being able to push for it for yourself.

This might sound trite given how much you’re suffering but journaling about life - free-writing about whatever comes up that day - has been eye-opening and very healing for me.

I’ve figured out a lot of pieces of the puzzle. You could start by writing a list of everyone you’ve ever known or by trying to fill in what happened in each year of your life.

That “wanting a door to slip through” feeling - very relatable. For me I imagined floating out of my body just to get a break from having to be a person.

Do you take anti-depressants? Even a low dose could take the edge off and help you along.

And give yourself some credit - you got through University, you’ve always been employed, you built a healthy relationship. (Write yourself a list of all the good things you did too!)

I haven't told him how I feel. He knows facts but not feelings.

i would be very very surprised if he isn’t acutely aware op

does he try to speak to you about it? Show an interest? What About close friends?

I've never thought about it. I've always done everything on my own. Never relied on anyone for anything. Not sure how I would go about it tbh.

He does sometimes.

I don't have any close friends.

I agree with PP who say you need therapy. This is not something you can overcome on your own. You may find anti-anxiety medication and an antidepressant helpful and can go that route, but you also need trauma informed therapy.
I am so sorry life is so hard for you. I have anxiety and depression so I know how it is.

I think maybe you also need to spend some time thinking about your relationship. You can’t confide in him. And he seems somewhat unbothered.