I've never felt 'safe'.

[DontEvenKnowIfICanExplainThisProperly]

That's it, really. There's no part of my life where I've ever been or felt 'safe'.

We grew up in an abusive home where we weren't safe. Not as unsafe as many others but never 'safe' emotionally or physically. We had no family other than our parents and one grandparents so no one really knew.

I've struggled with friendships and relationships ever since. I don't trust people easily and live in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze.

I went to university, got a first class degree and a masters and work in a professional career but only ever on temporary contracts because working in a permanent role caused a lot of anxiety around feeling trapped (my profession has long notice periods and there are only three points in the year we can leave). So I've never had any 'safety' or security at work.

I've always worked but my pension isn't great because of how I've worked.

I rent because I've never been in a position to buy. Which is, again, unsafe and I feel it constantly.

I don't feel safe in my relationship because I feel so inadequate. I'm not a 'good catch'. I have all the potential on paper to be but I'm not.

I'm disorganised no matter how hard I try, riddled with anxieties, plagued with self doubt, fearful and withdrawn. On the surface, I look like I've got it together but just below the surface, I'm so sad, scared of life and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

This isn't menopause or perimenopause, this is my whole life and always has been.

It's not that I haven't tried. I've had hobbies, I've made friends but I'm scared of letting people get too close so I overshare or push them away because I feel so anxious all the time. I have a deep belief that people just fundamentally don't like me and I don't really have any evidence to the contrary.

I go to bed scared of facing another day. I wake up scared. I love my job but feel scared at work, scared of the lack of security, scared of the future. The workload is high, which both keeps me occupied but also doesn't really allow much time for other things I could do to improve things. I'm scared every day of being homeless or paying bills, even though I can afford to and don't have money worries as long as the work keeps coming, which isn't guaranteed.

I know I have it better than some. I'm not complaining about my specific circumstances, I just don't feel like I can live with the sadness, fear and feeling that I can never relax and feel safe.

I'm physically tired, emotionally drained and anxious and on high alert all the time. It shouldn't feel like this. There's never a time when I can just breathe out and feel OK and there never has been. I felt like this as a child, as a teen and at every stage of my life. I can't look back at any point and remember it as a time when life was good or I felt safe. I'm just weary of it now.

I know it probably looks like I've brought all this on myself, and maybe I have, but, at the time I've made each decision, it's been based on what I could deal with at the time. I've just been in survival mode my whole life. Each decision I've made has been part of a bigger plan to change/improve things but my fear and my inadequacy has meant I have just been stuck.

I could confide in him (and have) but what would he say? He's not an expert he cares but he doesn't know what to say. He can't make things better, I wouldn't expect him to and that's not his role. He's not my 'support human'.

And what should I confide in him about first? I have told him things. I've told him how I feel about some things. He listens but he can't understand. He'll sometimes ask what's brought this on? when I do. Assuming that there must have been a trigger. An event. Something has happened. Maybe he has done something. He doesn't understand that it's with me all the time. I'm never not thinking about these things. I've told him it's there all the time but he sees me laughing and enjoying myself and he can't conceive of how I can he like that, be playful and silly but all the time be feeling this way underneath.

I'd just be trauma dumping on him. And I don't want to do that. I don't need kind words, or a bit of support or a hug while I cry. I've had/done all of that in the past and it doesn't help.

He's offered to support me while I do specific tasks I find hard. But I find it too hard.

I sometimes think about ending the relationship altogether. Not because of him but because I'm aware my thinking is disordered and I'm not sure I should be inflicting myself on others. But then I'd have no one.

I had emdr it was life changing.

I told him about something last year. I told him I was really struggling.

I described it as being trapped at the bottom of a really deep, dark narrow hole cut into the earth. I can't climb out of it because, when I try, the sides just come away in my hands.

I can see the light at the top. A small circle of daylight. I know that, if I can just get there and climb out, that's where life is happening. But it's always too far away. Sometimes, I look up and the circle of daylight is smaller so I know I'm deeper. He is at the top in the daylight. I can't see him but I know he's there and I don't know how to get back there. Sometimes the circle of daylight is bigger but it's stil never close enough to reach.

And he was sitting next to me listening the whole time. But he still feels out of reach.

I keep reading this so I have to believe it.

Did you access it through your GP on the NHS or pay privately? Thanks

I had EMDR via NHS but it was very difficult to access. I had to get regular monitoring with the mental health nurse at the gp and they pushed for a referral to our local self refer mental health service who normally deal with depression and anxiety but do also have access to EMDR specialists.

Thank you.

I'll have to make an appointment the next time I can.

You might be able to self refer directly to the self referral people but I wasn't having panic attacks do wasn't able to. I would have just lied if I had known.

I paid privately and yes it was expensive.

But if it made life easier for you IMO worth putting on a card or working an extra shift for.

The stories we tell ourselves are incredibly powerful and pretty much define how we live our lives. Many of us are stuck in our childhood story.

Try to take some of what you have put here and work out:

1. ”Who benefits from you thinking this way about yourself & your situation?”
2. “Who would you be without this story about yourself?”
3. “When did you decide this was true?”
4. “What will happen if this changes?”

For example owning property is actually a pain in the arse and ties you to one place so it’s not a golden protection. And financially there are far better decisions you can make. Particularly with the political fuckery coming.
By working in temp roles you’ve gained experience and don’t get the opportunity to get bored. You must have a fantastic knowledge of people/companies in your industry.
You can invest in various things and sort your pension out from today proving you’re not 65.
Find a real good psychologist, get some CBT. Read, watch videos and work on your self belief.

I am sorry to say this @Wallywobbles as I know you are trying to be helpful but ptsd can't be magically disappeared by thinking differently. The issue with ptsd is that your brain is literally unable to process what has happened because it is so traumatic that your brain is not able to actually remember/think about what happened because a protective mechanism has kicked in to stop you being damaged by the event. So, what happens is the events stay in short term memory because your brain can't process the and you basically feel like you are constantly about to die, all of the time. It's a bit like being on the scariest bit of a roller coaster all of the time.
EMDR works by distracting you whilst you think about the trauma so your brain can file it away and get it out of short term memory. That's why it works (they think).

Oh hang on,... Just realised this is an ai post. Bloody heck they are getting better. How totally shit and upsetting.

I give mumsnet about 6 months before it is unfortunately unusable, as all Internet forums will be.

I give mumsnet about 6 months before it is unfortunately unusable, as all Internet forums will be.

6 months? I’d take that bet. Mumsnet will still be going strong in 6 months. Guaranteed

Ai is improving as such a fast rate that mumsnet will be flooded by ai posts and replies which are undetectable quite soon unless someone forces people to verify their humanity before they can post and that will put a lot of people off.

Oh, yeah, I tell myself and others the positives all the time. Because there are positives. But there is also so very little safety.

See @mumsnet the ai posts are now actually upsetting and causing harm to vulnerable people who are reaching out for help...

Much sympathy op. I have similar issues in my background and childhood. I also got out and away, professional career, marriage, kids. But I brought it all with me, as I am just starting to acknowledge.

I am now in my 40s and only beginning to address some of this shit, but there is hope. Things that have helped me that may be useful:

Therapy, yes. But you have to find the right "fit" of therapist and approach. This may take a few tries but does help.

Reconnecting/connecting with myself physical - movement, exercise, creativity. For me, that has been getting back into dance and taking up yoga and climbing. I needed a relationship with my body, which I am still working on.

I never felt safe in my own body. I am building safety and connection with it now and that has been a key starting point.

Finally, don't minimise your experiences. Sure, we all could have it worse, but that doesn't negate the fact that you experienced some painful stuff that you carry with you today. Allow yourself some space and compassion for that and the child that survived those experiences.

Happy to chat further if you want to DM me.