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Original poster

Advice with ex new partner

35 replies

Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 00:30

Split up with partner 5 months ago. He has been dating someone for 9 weeks (2nd person since we split so know it hasn’t been longer) and moved in with her last week as told me he couldn’t afford to private rent and she had offered for him to move in. Bit of background she was in a DV relationship 5 years ago and on one night when an awful attack carried out the police automatically removed her 2 children in 2020. They have lived with her mum since and she has just split from her ex in December 2024 she said she was unable to leave him any earlier and 5 years ago signed her children over to her mum. My ex wants my children to sleep over at her flat from next week (the same flat her ex carried out the DV) I have told him my concerns 1. I do thinks it’s soon as we did agree 6 months when we split to introduce new partners however I understand it is his choice 2. I am not happy about my children staying in that flat incase her ex for some reason turned up. Plus ex partner hasn’t even met her children but he’s moved into what was once their flat. So I would also feel heartly sorry for her dc if my dc were staying over and they can’t as she has to apply to get them back. The whole situation seems bizarre to me as I wouldnt dream of moving someone in who hasn’t met my children and I really don’t feel at this moment in time it is safe for my children to stay there but ex partner said it’s his nights to have children and they sleep where he sleeps so I’m stuck. All info came from both of them. Any advice please as never been in a situation like this and they are making out I’m jealous for raising my concerns? Sorry for long post

OP posts:
NoahDia · 14/09/2025 00:35

It's all kinds of wrong to rush a relationship and move in with someone so soon so I get why you don't like it OP.

But her ex moved out getting on for almost a year ago now and even if you do feel heartily sorry for her kids, that's not really a reason for yours not to stay at what is now their dad's home.

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 00:39

@NoahDia yeah I get that it’s just she said her kids don’t live there as wasn’t safe for them but it’s ok for my dc to stay there? Plus he still hasn’t been sentenced I just don’t know where I stand it’s all a bit too much to process.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 14/09/2025 00:46

Nope, I wouldn’t believe that tale on face value and id be getting my own check done on her, I can’t remember if it’s clairs or Sarah’s law.

my children wouldn’t be staying there under these circumstances, my relationship with the block of butter in my fridge has lasted longer than they have been dating,

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 00:48

@lunar1 well o asked for her address a few weeks ago to do Claire’s law and she said I can’t as police said I can’t give it out as it’s my safe space and I said it’s not really a safe flat if he lived there so I was no further forward.

OP posts:
Shortdaysalready · 14/09/2025 00:50

If her children aren't allowed to stay there because it's not safe for them could you ask social services their advice as to whether they consider it safe for your children to stay there?

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 00:55

@Shortdaysalready i only know her name so I don’t have any more info on her for them to find out know her age and that’s about it so can’t get far as they won’t give me info just told me to wait until her ex is sentenced and then I will get the proof

OP posts:
lunar1 · 14/09/2025 00:58

In those circumstances my ex would have to take me to court, our children wouldn’t be going there.

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 01:01

@lunar1 yeah think I will suggest that I have said me issue is not her meeting her but I just don’t want them sleeping but they say I’m just jealous as he has moved on when it’s not the case.

OP posts:
RockingBeebo · 14/09/2025 01:02

lunar1 · 14/09/2025 00:58

In those circumstances my ex would have to take me to court, our children wouldn’t be going there.

I agree

cleo333 · 14/09/2025 01:05

No defo not at all

TheArtfulNavyDreamer · 14/09/2025 01:19

Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 00:48

@lunar1 well o asked for her address a few weeks ago to do Claire’s law and she said I can’t as police said I can’t give it out as it’s my safe space and I said it’s not really a safe flat if he lived there so I was no further forward.

So they want your kids to stay somewhere and you don’t get to know where they are? No I would not be okay with that.

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 01:22

@TheArtfulNavyDreamer yeah exactly I know I’m pleased most people agree as they making me out to be the crazy psycho ex lol

OP posts:
cool4cats2020 · 14/09/2025 02:28

I'm sorry but a parent who chooses to give up their children to stay with a domestic abuser would be a massive concern to me. The kids wouldn't have just been removed overnight, social services would have laid it on pretty thick - "if you stay living with this man we'll have to remove your children". Even if she was in denial bout the dv, what kind of mother would choose a man over her own kids? The kind you wouldn't want your own DC to be in contact with.

The other alternative is that she's being economical with the truth and her children were removed because ss seemed them to be at risk in her care regardless of whether her ex partner was living with her.

So you are right to be highly concerned, and to do whatever background checks you can. As things stand, probably the only thing you can do currently is to insist that your ex doesn't not let his new gf have any unsupervised contact, with your DC. Not under any circumstances, not even while your ex pops out to buy a pint of milk etc.

How old are your DC? Presume young enough that they aren't really able to comprehend any of this properly, or to reliably know if or when to tell you about something that's not right?

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 08:33

@cool4cats2020 my children are 10 and 5 although my daughter is only 10 I do think she would come back and tell me everything as she does that even when she’s just been with her dad lol. I said exactly the same it take a lot for children to be removed so I said either they must of already been on child protection or yes that night it was that dangerous what her ex done they had no choice but to remove them. I just don’t understand why could she not just ask her mum to watch them why she had to sign them over and now she has to go through a process to reapply to get them back but she can’t start this until her ex in sentences which it keeps getting adjourned the court case

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 08:50

Are the children subject to a Child Arrangements Order?

In no then the answer is no, they are not staying with/going their father

If yes then its back to court

Or he comes up with his partners name & address with evidence to confirm it then you talk to Social Services

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 08:59

@JohnofWessex no there is no court order as we have had set days and agreed on them since he left and he has been living with her mum since he left as couldn’t afford place on his own so knew they were safe when they went there. Maybe I will have to seek some legal advice on where I stand but he just keeps saying I can’t stop them sleeping there it’s safe.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 14/09/2025 09:03

I’m not surprised you’re worried. I don’t think you are getting the whole truth here. It’s particularly concerning that you say that Ex hasn’t met her kids yet - that would suggest that she isn’t in regular contact with them. And as you say, if it’s not safe for her DC to be in that flat, how is it safe for yours?
There are big holes in this story, and so many red flags, including refusing to give the address.
Ex needs to understand that your children would be at risk to go there.
As for “ signing the children over to her Mum” WTAF? That’s not even a thing. How about read that as “ prioritised her violent partner over her traumatised children?”
Is she even allowed to see her kids?
And if they are not allowed to be in her flat ( why hasn’t she moved out?) is it because her ex is a psycho who might return at any time to do whatever unspeakable damage he is capable of?
Can you speak to Ex away from her? Ask him those hard questions, like when did she last see her own DC, what is being done to support t hem, why did she stay in the flat rather than moving with them?These are his DC too, you’d think he’d want to keep them safe.

Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 09:10

@DelphiniumBlue I have asked all these questions. She lives near me and her dc live 6 hours down south with her mum but she doesn’t speak to her mum or any of her family. She visits them twice a month and she’s allowed to take them out it doesn’t need to be supervised or anything. I asked why that night in question the police or social didn’t put her up in a safe house with the children and he said it wasn’t an option and she couldn’t afford to move down south so it was either she signs them over to her mam or they go into care and be split up. He said he hasn’t met her dc as they are 15 and 17 and they are happy for their mam to have a new partner. I just couldn’t imagine moving a new partner in mine and not have my own living here but having my new partner dc staying over. Every question I ask though they are just saying I can’t comment as never been in that situation and she done everything she can for her dc and they respect her for it and they right I haven’t but there are so many why’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunset216 · 14/09/2025 09:14

@DelphiniumBlue Also ex hasn’t faced me in 5 months so doubt he will speak face to face everything he does is by text. Her ex is waiting to be sentenced but she has still lived with him for 5 years and not her children I said was she not able to get help the night kids were removed or anytime after that and he said she didn’t find a right time to leave him as I have no idea of situation so can’t comment so that’s the only answers I get. When I ask for address says no because she not allowed to give it out but she was happy to give it to my ex after 4 weeks another man who she didn’t really know nothing about at the time

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 09:15

Bear in mind that if you refuse contact the ball is very much in his court. He will either do something about it or I suspect more likley he wont

Assuming you are in England and Wales then Child Arrangement Orders end at 16 so its only the youngest who is going to be an issue

Palmleaves101 · 14/09/2025 09:18

I would imagine that her own children are not allowed to stay there if they have been removed. Social workers will have to give the go ahead if she doesn’t have her own children.

User2025meow · 14/09/2025 09:50

He has been dating someone for 9 weeks and he wants your kids to stay overnight at this person's house? Have I got that wrong? Find out your legal position. I would not allow this. She is practically a stranger. He should not have even introduced them to her so soon - he should have waited 6 months to introduce them. I'm concerned with the fact he said "they sleep where he sleeps". That is absolute rubbish. If he sleeps under a railway bridge - they are NOT sleeping under a railway bridge with him. He seems to be wanting to intimidate you. And this seems to be an arrangement to save him money so he's motivated by his selfish interests and not the children's interests. Your youngest is 5. Also concerning the new partner's own children that were taken away - I agree with others here - how do you know she doesn't have alcohol or drug issues for example? Maybe others can come along and advise but isn't there something like a Prohibited Steps Order you can seek in a case like this?

User2025meow · 14/09/2025 09:52

And is he allowed to have your children overnight somewhere where he is not giving you the address? (for whatever reason?). Seek legal advice. I would not accept this.

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 09:56

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 09:15

Bear in mind that if you refuse contact the ball is very much in his court. He will either do something about it or I suspect more likley he wont

Assuming you are in England and Wales then Child Arrangement Orders end at 16 so its only the youngest who is going to be an issue

Whoops, 10 & 5, my error so very much a safeguarding issue

thepariscrimefiles · 14/09/2025 10:08

If this woman's ex was violent and he finds out that her your ex is living there and that your children come over every week, I don't think that you could guarantee that your children would be safe.

You ex seems remarkably unconcerned and blasé about the possible danger his kids might be in. Speak to a solicitor for advice.

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