Advice with ex new partner

[Sunset216]

Split up with partner 5 months ago. He has been dating someone for 9 weeks (2nd person since we split so know it hasn’t been longer) and moved in with her last week as told me he couldn’t afford to private rent and she had offered for him to move in. Bit of background she was in a DV relationship 5 years ago and on one night when an awful attack carried out the police automatically removed her 2 children in 2020. They have lived with her mum since and she has just split from her ex in December 2024 she said she was unable to leave him any earlier and 5 years ago signed her children over to her mum. My ex wants my children to sleep over at her flat from next week (the same flat her ex carried out the DV) I have told him my concerns 1. I do thinks it’s soon as we did agree 6 months when we split to introduce new partners however I understand it is his choice 2. I am not happy about my children staying in that flat incase her ex for some reason turned up. Plus ex partner hasn’t even met her children but he’s moved into what was once their flat. So I would also feel heartly sorry for her dc if my dc were staying over and they can’t as she has to apply to get them back. The whole situation seems bizarre to me as I wouldnt dream of moving someone in who hasn’t met my children and I really don’t feel at this moment in time it is safe for my children to stay there but ex partner said it’s his nights to have children and they sleep where he sleeps so I’m stuck. All info came from both of them. Any advice please as never been in a situation like this and they are making out I’m jealous for raising my concerns? Sorry for long post

Suggested Reply

Dear Ex

You have asked that our daughters go to your new partners home for contact

I note that

You have been together for 5 weeks, not provided her name & address AND you state her children were taken into care.

Given the circumstances I am not going to allow our children to have any contact with her or to visit her home for obvious safeguarding reasons.

Up to now contact has taken place at your mothers house. I am happy for this to continue so long as you undertake that they will not go to your partners address or have any contact with her

.............

It sets out your concerns, with reasons and gives him an option for maintaining contact

Legal advice is what you need and I would stop him seeing the kids until you find out where he is taking them. You nor he know the real reason she hasnt got her kids living with her and I would not trust her version at all. If her ex gets wind someone is in his house then your ex is in danger thus your kids will be so absolutely tell him no and then see a solicitor.

Why go to the expense of legal advice when you can simply put the ball in his court?

Don’t take advice from anyone on here.

go and get proper legal advice. From a solicitor.

you can expect to have to pay for that.

Because your letter has no legal clout. He can agree to anything and then just not do it because it’s not court ordered.

And at this point the op is allowing him access unsupervised and there is no evidence that he - not she - is an unfit person to have unsupervised contact.

The op needs to do this properly through the courts.

The new woman is being very economical with the truth. Why would they put the kids in the grandmother's care and why would said grandmother not be speaking to her?

@Palmleaves101 yes him and her told me that she signed them over to her mam for their own safety said they didn’t get took off her but that the police removed them as wasn’t safe that night the violent attack carried out.

Thanks all for your replies it’s very much helped that I’m not sounding crazy in what I’m saying to him. He said her flat is bolted and chained up and the ex hasn’t turned up in 9 month so won’t now. I said that would not make my daughter feel safe seeing a door bolted and chained all he says it is safe and he wouldn’t take children somewhere that’s not safe he really doesn’t get my concerns and just thinking of himself.

And yeah like @User2025meow says it’s been a place to go to save him money so it is in his best interest. My dc have not yet met her but he is wanting them to sleep from next week which was my concern with all this going on. I have told him i happy for him to still have the contact as arranged he sleeps one night a week at his mams and picks them up twice from school and bring them back at 7 when I finish work. I want my children to have a relationship with him as they are very close to him I Just obviously not happy about his current situation but everything I say about flat he and her both say I am just jealous he has moved on and trying to put a stop to kids seeing her which is so frustrating as I’m not

Absolutely not. It would be madness to allow this.

Sounds like you are the only person considering your children’s safety.

@Whateverwillwedonow it’s hard as all he keeps saying is will give me address end of month when ex is sentenced but she give it to my ex after 2 weeks so she can’t be that concerned about giving address out. Everything is always the flat is safe she put her kids into safety so she is a good mother but everything is about defending her and not seeing the reality of wanting my children to go to a flat where her ex done this to her and her flat is bolted and chained up it’s so stressful

No and I say that as a stepparent rather than a mother myself. Just no. If it is not safe to give out the address it is not safe for your children. As others have said, get legal advice and support.

Her kids being taken away is also a massive red flag. Social services only remove children (teens in this case too) as a serious last resort.