How do you deal with a dh/dp who is a constant and total procrastinator? I feel like I'm the mother of a lazy teenage boy

[violentviolet]

Saturday:

7.30am- I get up with baby, get him changed fed washed dressed amused and sort myself out until

10.30am- dp gets up, wanders downstairs in pants, makes himself breakfast and settles down with laptop

11am- I suggest he goes and gets dressed as we are going to an animal park (as agreed previous evening as weather is sposed to be lovely) he says "in a minute"

11.15, 11.30, 11.50, 12.15 onwards... I suggest again and again, imbetween changing, feeding and amusing ds, packing picnic, getting everything ready to go.

1.30pm - I dare to ask instead of suggest him to get ready, now please. He explodes, slams laptop shut, shouts, thuds about like a neanderthal. Retreats upstairs

2pm- All is quiet upstairs. He's either sleeping or wanking (usually both, I suspect) I debate shouting up the stairs knowing it will cause further tantrums and decide to give it 10 more min.

2.10pm-ish he wanders downstairs still in his pants, but clutching a crumpled tshirt. Progress, though?

2.40pm- I jokingly ask through the bathroom door if he's fallen down the plughole, he snaps "I'm pooing!"

2.50pm- emerges from bathroom looking EXACTLY THE SAME and still in his pants. Goes out for a fag and then makes a coffee. I bite my tongue.

3pm- I go online to check what time the park closes (5pm) and mention this to dp who is choosing music to iron to in the kitchen. By now I have my coat and shoes on, baby is fed and I'm having to let him crawl round in his clean clothes as he's so bored.

3.30pm- I'm giving up. Dp is straightening his hair in the bathroom, and is in a foul mood as I've been "nagging"

3.45pm- I find dp in the kitchen with a screwdriver and a wire. I'm pissed off, I take my shoes and coat off, sit down and give ds his share of the picnic lunch as he is starving.

4.01pm- dp emerges with coat on, asking why I'm not ready to go. I snap that there's no point in going now and he accuses me of ruining the day. I say the park closes at 5pm, he says "oh, well you didn't tell me that"

AAAAAAAARGH I bloody DID!!
We ended up going to the park the next day at 2.30pm with no picnic and no sunshine. He says he hates my nagging, but if I don't organise the day, and do the nagging we don't go anywhere and just waste the weekend staying indoors, which he also says he hates and gets sad about.

Am I a harridan? how would you deal with his constant and total procrastination? Reasoning and asking nicely seems to fall on deaf ears, shouting results in mega tantrums from him and more procrastinating to wind me up.

This would drive me NUTS. Good lord, I don't know where to start. Have no advice I'm afraid as DH not like this at all. Hope someone can advise because I would have been livid.

No, you're not a harridan, he's a wanker and needs a slap, you poor woman.
Was he this hopeless when you first met?

I would have gone without him by 10.30.

My sisters dh was like this, no offence but he was a complete and utter tw*t.

Used to sulk and strop if he had to do things he didnt want to do.

Your dh is behaving like a child and your letting him, unless you give him a kick up the arse then this behaviour will continue.

All men are different when they're trying to get in your pants- but I think he's always been pretty bad with this kind of thing.

It'll get worse when ds is older and knows we're going somewhere too. Dp will have to shape up or ds will face constant disappointment.

Message withdrawn

it must drive you crazy

would he let his mates down if he made an arrangement with them?

TBH i would have gone with DS and your picnic and had a lovely day out without him

mumblechum I can't drive but I think you're right, next time he goes upstairs for his little nap/wank time I might just stick ds in his buggy and sod off to the local park instead.

My dh is nowhere near as bad as yours but is always the last out of the house.

I've taken to always giving him a false time to go, eg if we're meeting friends for lunch I'll say we've got to leave at 12, knowing he won't be ready till 12.30

This would be enough to drive me completely crazy, and then to blame it on you because you're a 'nag'. Utter, utter .Next time he wants anything, I'd give him a taste of his own medicine. Personally, I think that's the only way people learn how annoying their own habits are.

My DP is the same (although admittedly nowhere near as bad as yours seems to be!) I like to get off to places early, he prefers to lie about for a bit first. We always have arguments with him saying I am nagging and me getting increasingly annoyed that he isn't getting ready.

Might it be worth considering learning to drive? Not saying (following other thread) that everyone should, but if there is a history of you not being able to go out when you want with ds, surely it would be better to be in the position to call the shots by leaving when you want to rather than being involved in some power trip where you are dependent on someone else for transportation.

that's another good idea mumblechum, why didn't I think of that? The only reason we got to the park on sunday "so early" was because I'd asked to go to the carboot sale first, which he was ready for at 12.10pm. What's the point in going so late when all that's left is tat?

He sounds lik ea knobhead
By learningallthetime on Mon 02-Jun-08 11:04:49
Your dh is behaving like a child and your letting him, unless you give him a kick up the arse then this behaviour will continue.

I agree

Pooka, yes it would solve the problem I suppose but it's always been tricky, I have a fear of driving after a bit of a crash when I was little, plus there's no way we could afford the lessons etc right now as I'm not working (but I'm jobhunting) don't know how to get past the fear though.

I think I would have burst. Really. Or taken the DCs on my own. How can he not realise what a total and utter pain in the arse he's being. How is he getting ready for work? Or stuff that he's planned?

mamag, how do you give the kick up the arse though? do you mean a big row? or cold shoulder? I don't like rowing with ds about (and he's always about, so dp gets away with murder)

Guitargirl, he's often late for work, doesn't wake up unless I wake him up, (which takes ages as he uses me as a snooze function too) and sometimes shouts at me for waking him up, although he's better than he was as I have warned him he's on his last chance with that, any more aggressive outbursts and I won't be waking him up ever again, so he's been good for two months so far.

Yes he's a pita.

I'm not perfect, I'm probably difficult to live with too, I've had monstrous pmt all week- I don't know how he puts up with me lol

I will go out without him next time, you're right.

Violent.. have you posted similar things about your DH before? Your story rings a bell with me.

If I were you, I'd have buggered off out without him. Or said - we are leaving at 12 noon. Then at 5 past 12, just shout up 'we're off now... byeee' and slam the door and go.

Violentviolet (great name!), my dp was also scared of driving after being in a crash (as an adult). He had some cognitive behavioural therapy, which was incredibly helpful. Could you look into that? You would probably have to pay, but it shouldn't take many sessions.

Communication doesn't have to be a row. You need to work out exactly how it makes you feel when he behaves in this manner, and then sit him down and discuss it with him. This is not about you wishing to control him. There is no need for his 'power struggle' nonsense. It is about spending time as a family and giving your ds a nice day.

If he's anything like my lazy-arsed xh he'd be happy to let you take the kids out on your own, whilst he dosses around the house all day. Not exactly fair, I'd say.