How do you deal with a dh/dp who is a constant and total procrastinator? I feel like I'm the mother of a lazy teenage boy

[violentviolet]

Saturday:

7.30am- I get up with baby, get him changed fed washed dressed amused and sort myself out until

10.30am- dp gets up, wanders downstairs in pants, makes himself breakfast and settles down with laptop

11am- I suggest he goes and gets dressed as we are going to an animal park (as agreed previous evening as weather is sposed to be lovely) he says "in a minute"

11.15, 11.30, 11.50, 12.15 onwards... I suggest again and again, imbetween changing, feeding and amusing ds, packing picnic, getting everything ready to go.

1.30pm - I dare to ask instead of suggest him to get ready, now please. He explodes, slams laptop shut, shouts, thuds about like a neanderthal. Retreats upstairs

2pm- All is quiet upstairs. He's either sleeping or wanking (usually both, I suspect) I debate shouting up the stairs knowing it will cause further tantrums and decide to give it 10 more min.

2.10pm-ish he wanders downstairs still in his pants, but clutching a crumpled tshirt. Progress, though?

2.40pm- I jokingly ask through the bathroom door if he's fallen down the plughole, he snaps "I'm pooing!"

2.50pm- emerges from bathroom looking EXACTLY THE SAME and still in his pants. Goes out for a fag and then makes a coffee. I bite my tongue.

3pm- I go online to check what time the park closes (5pm) and mention this to dp who is choosing music to iron to in the kitchen. By now I have my coat and shoes on, baby is fed and I'm having to let him crawl round in his clean clothes as he's so bored.

3.30pm- I'm giving up. Dp is straightening his hair in the bathroom, and is in a foul mood as I've been "nagging"

3.45pm- I find dp in the kitchen with a screwdriver and a wire. I'm pissed off, I take my shoes and coat off, sit down and give ds his share of the picnic lunch as he is starving.

4.01pm- dp emerges with coat on, asking why I'm not ready to go. I snap that there's no point in going now and he accuses me of ruining the day. I say the park closes at 5pm, he says "oh, well you didn't tell me that"

AAAAAAAARGH I bloody DID!!
We ended up going to the park the next day at 2.30pm with no picnic and no sunshine. He says he hates my nagging, but if I don't organise the day, and do the nagging we don't go anywhere and just waste the weekend staying indoors, which he also says he hates and gets sad about.

Am I a harridan? how would you deal with his constant and total procrastination? Reasoning and asking nicely seems to fall on deaf ears, shouting results in mega tantrums from him and more procrastinating to wind me up.

Thanks zazette, something to think about in the future when we're a bit more flush perhaps. To be honest I'd always just thought I would never drive, even the thought mmakes me nervous.

themoon, yeah I have moaned about him before, thank god for mn, eh?

stella I think you're right, that my behaviour towards him doesn't help, I do tend to be quite maternal although I'm trying to get less so.

This rings a bell with me too, there was a poster - last year I think - who wrote about her husband getting angry with her for waking him for work and then got angry one day when she didn't wake him and blamed her for 'making him late'....

Hmm, my xp used to be like this, used to drive me insane. I used to just go myself with the kids, even if it was 2/3 trains away. Just to poke my fingers up his arse and say No, I will NOT sit around waiting for you.
He clearly wasnt that bothered about missing the days with us as it didnt stop him.
Within 6 months of passing my driving test we had split up, that was the only thing he had control of...and then ....he lost it when I could bugger off as and when just as he had done for YEARS...
Anyway, sympathy, the sickning thing is XP now is up chirply and bright on a Saturday morning....

Have you got any single parent friends? Make some plans to see them maybe every other week-end (without your husband) and tell your husband if he wants to organise going somewhere you'll be happy to go along with him on alternative week-ends.

He probably won't organise anything, but at least you'll be out some of the time with your mates.

After about a year (yeah, I know) he'll probably be a bit more co-operative.

I'm with pooka and mumblechum: learn to drive and leave him behind. When you have saved up enough, take your first lessons on a private track, not the roads, to build your confidence. First lessons tend to start on semi-deserted side roads anyway, you won't be expected to shoot up the M1 on your first day.

I think you should stop asking and start telling your dp.
"I'm going out at x, if you're ready you can come too."
"I'm not going to wake you in the mornings anymore. If you're old enough to work your penis you're old enough to get to grips with the space time continuum with regard to a fecking alarm clock."
"Leesten verrrr' carrrefulleeee, I weeel say theees only wernce..." and only say it once. If you're too young for 'Allo 'Allo that made no sense, did it?

Really, the nagging is slowing him down and encouraging his helplessness to fester.

I don't think you going out on your own all the time is the answer
I think you need to tell im e either wants to behave like an adult and be part of a family or he wants to be single
And then act on his answer and whether he is willing to change
Stop waking him up too, you are not his mother

my DH is a massive procrastinator too but not so much when getting ready to go somewhere, but most other things...i honestly think it's a mental condition as he seems programmed to do everything 'in a minute' ie in many hours or never at all. I think he's partially a bit lazy and also feels swamped easily so puts it off. VERY annoying and puts you in a shitty position. It is at the root of many of our disputes and at one point i made him go to the GP to ask for help or I was going to leave him LOL... it can actually be a very serious part of depression which DH suffers from but more commonly it's just a bad habit.

The way you're not really dealing with it though is definitely allowing him to continue behaving so childishly. He needs to hear how much this affects you and your family. If he's not willing to listen, I would definitely make plans without him and think about suggesting counselling to help him get the message.

Stop mothering him immediately! (she said motheringly)

Violentviolet, I could feel my blood pressure rising just reading your opening post. Good grief you poor thing.

I agree that just going without him may not helpas it is a bit passive and doesn't solve anything as presumably the point is that you spend time as a family.

I would suggest talking with him, when he is in a good mood, , and asking him simply what his behaviour is about re the getting ready to go out. Does he not really want to go? Does he somehow (God knows how) but does he somehow not know that you are spending hours and hours just waiting for him? If he wants to go and agrees or even helps decide a time to leave ask him, is he being genuine? Does he really want to go and does he really agree that that would be a good time to leave?

I always think that if both people make the plans then it is more likely to work.

Re the waking up, well yes that is so childish and I would suggest another talk saying that you cannot continue with this, no discussion on this one, and just tell him that you are no longer going to wake him up. then you must stick with it, as with a child, so that he knows you mean it.

I wish you luck and hope you tell us how you get on.

Dear Violet my partner is also like yours although has got a little better in the last few months after I packed my bags and left for a week as I was so fed up. I think a lot of it is sometimes about them trying to control you and the situation, my advice would be learn to drive as it does make a big difference. Giving them a tme you will be ready and saying you will go without them sometimes works as they realise they will miss out. Otherwise just go on your own it will stop you feeling so fed up and at least you and your little one can enjoy yourselves!
Good luck!

you have my total sympathy
not only do i have ds who is 17 and 100 times more capable than my oh my 2 little ones are more capable than their 39 year old teenage boy father.

i did boot him out a while ago 2 give him a taste of his own medicine but he stayed at his mums and has come back 3 weeks ago even worse.

i agree with other posters that say dont wake him for work make plans with your little one nad have a good time
good luck

you gave him all the power and he used it to ruin your day. next time go out yourself and leave him behind - take the power for yourself. oh and driving lessons are an excellent idea! good luck!

Tell him, once and once only, that you are not responsible for waking him up and in future he can use the alarm clock himself. With regard to outings it does sound a bit as though he doesn;t want to go and thus the wanking about and dawdling: however you mention that he spent some of the time ironing. SO if he will iron, then take the DC and go out without him, leave him doing the housework - sounds like quite a bargain.
Otherwise, agree a time you are going to leave, give him a 20 minute warning, a 10 minute warning and (with some leeway if he is rushing and has one shoe on or something, obviously) then leave with or without him.
But men like this often don't changetheir ways, they crawl off whining to another woman who they can persuade for a while that they are poor ickle fings who need babying and pampering (presumably they are good shags or no woman would stand them for more than a week).