Lost it at DH

[angryladylostit]

Changed username for this.

So embarrassed as the neighbours probably heard this but I literally screamed at him as I could not stand his behaviour any more.

He spends hours on the loo a day, morning and evening, on his phone, essentially hiding from the family while I do 80% of the drudge work. He does suffer from anxiety and the time hiding in bathroom increases when it’s bad.

I feel so unrespected and unloved, it’s like he doesn’t think of the impact on me/us at all. It sounds like a small thing written down but after years and years of asking him to reduce this I just broke. He says it will change. I feel so ashamed.

Are you sure he's hiding or does he have a medical issue that he hasn't shared with you? Being on the loo for hours doesnt sound at all relaxing.

I'd have lost it with him too, how have you put up with this all this time?

Hours? Hiding in the loo? Daily? If so, he needs mental health support. Screaming at him is not going to improve the situation.

is he on any medication? Is he having panic attacks? I mean it’s pretty extreme if it’s laziness or avoidance.

So has he talked to his GP?
Sounds as though he has a physical medical condition or he needs help with his mental health.
And what is he doing on his phone while he is locked in the loo for all these hours - is he messaging people, watching porn, or what? It sounds extremely strange behaviour OP.

I know he does need mental health support and I have tried to help him to get it. He says he will go to the doctor again but we’ve been before even together and he just doesn’t follow through. We’ve had couples counselling too.

I know screaming was awful but it does seem to have got through.

I am so hormonal peri menopause I just completely flipped.

Are you both working full time?
How old are dc? What's the drudgery tasks?

I think the anxiety and his diet play a big part.

He’s researching things he’s interested in & watching videos. He agrees he is probably autistic and he does spend a lot of time looking things up about his focus topics.

I’m working at home and do majority of care for young kids. He is more out of home but we are both around a lot.

He can leave his phone outside the loo. See how long he lasts then

This is what he said he will do after I lost it. I have no idea how we got to that before him thinking of giving this a try.

You got that far because he's delighted to be sitting scrolling in peace rather than doing the evening routine. You've drawn attention to it now so he can't hide

Do you live on another planet?

it’s a well documented fact that the majority of Dads of small children do this and as long as they have their phones it is indeed perfectly relaxing!

He doesn’t need mental health support! This is a common tactic used by entitled lazy and abusive men - they hide so they don’t have to do the hard work. He’s exploiting you!!! Of course you want to scream at him!

I shouldn’t have screamed though! I wish I could undo that. Should I address it with the (lovely) neighbours????

Your labour is all this man is interested in he’s getting some serious leisure time at your expense. LTB or spend your life screaming at him.

What was his response OP?

He says it’s going to be different, he understands why I screamed and knows it needs to change.

Well they all say that don’t they but how many of them actually are able to make lasting changes? (Very very few and only if they really really have to)

Do you believe him?

I really hope it does change. He definitely wants to.

You cannot do it for him.

Sounds like he needed a kick up the arse tbh. What a useless manchild.

What a shock, it’s the old self diagnosis story yet again. “Focus subjects” my arse. He’s scrolling shit on his phone like everyone else does because it’s fun and easy. Don’t pathologise him being lazy and opting out of family life. Don’t make excuses for him making your life harder than it needs to be.

Why hasn’t he then? The saying is he’s buying his leisure with your labour. Because he thinks he’s entitled to.