Why do I keep running from the man I love?

[SecondSpring70]

After more than 25 years of marriage I now find myself in a relationship that is the complete opposite of what I had before. My ex-husband did very well for himself in London, money was never really a concern, but the marriage itself was cold. He could be moody, always had to be right, and there was very little warmth. I never particularly enjoyed sex with him, which I told myself was simply how things were. We’ve had a bitter divorce since, and I feel he’s been rather selfish with money, which has left a sour taste after so many years together.

A couple of years ago I met someone completely different. He isn’t well-off and isn’t especially careful with money, but he’s kind, empathetic, and makes me feel truly seen. He has always encouraged me to keep my finances safe for myself and the children. There’s never been any expectation from him. With him I feel a real physical attraction, which has been quite a revelation after years of simply going through the motions.

The difficulty is me. I have two older daughters and a younger girl at home, a teenager. My eldest wasn’t particularly happy about the divorce and I sometimes feel she still defends her father, even though he could be unkind. She doesn’t seem to defend me in the same way, which I find hurtful. The younger ones can be wrapped up in their own lives too, and that can leave me feeling somewhat overlooked. It makes me lean harder on my partner for closeness, but when it all feels too intense I panic and pull away.

He’s one of those people everyone warms to instantly and very handsome. I can’t help worrying that he could easily find someone younger, lighter, less complicated. When I see how people light up around him, I catch myself resenting it, even though I know deep down it isn’t fair.

Unfortunately I’ve got myself stuck in a pattern: I feel safe and close, then I shut down, sometimes even ending things. Within days I miss him desperately. I withdraw in conflict, but afterwards he’s the only person I want to turn to. It’s as though I’m frightened of needing him too much, even though that’s exactly what I want.

When I step back, I tell myself I’m protecting my children, holding on to security, or sparing myself heartbreak later on. But in truth, what I miss most are the smallest things… watching TV with a cup of tea, wandering the supermarket together, and way he looks at me as though he’s been waiting all day. He makes me feel stronger simply by being there. With him I feel vulnerable but alive. Without him I feel safe, but empty.

I want to know how I can stop pushing him away. Is it even possible, or is this just the way I am?

I sense " "push-pull" technique" and that is not fair or healthy for the other person and even more so, you will feel the regret when he sees this and takes action to remove himself.

p/s do you mind to clarify what you mean by "I feel he’s been rather selfish with money" sorry, just curious

I fully get you but personally i would suggest that you take note that your kids have their own lives and you should not take it personal that they are overlooking you at times(

Emotional support comes from our partners mainly and I sense you feel like you should get it from your kids? Maybe i misundestood

I focused on this "I sometimes feel she still defends her father, even though he could be unkind. She doesn’t seem to defend me in the same way, which I find hurtful. The younger ones can be wrapped up in their own lives too, and that can leave me feeling somewhat overlooked. It makes me lean harder on my partner for closeness, "

You might find a few counselling sessions might help you unravel your push pull emotions.

These days theres a label for everything so do some Google research around attachment styles. For example could you be an “avoidant?”

Be careful not to push him away too often. You might find that one day he won’t take you back.

I think you're scared of committing to the man in case he turns out like your ex husband. You're subconsciously telling yourself that you're saving yourself from future heartbreak by pulling away now. The problem is that if he's as nice q guy as you say, you're really going to regret it when he finally has enough of the back and forth bullshit. And really, you couldn't even blame him when that happened because you've been pushing him away constantly. Maybe get some counselling so you can deal with the fallout of your divorce. Honestly if you've genuinely found a really good man you'd be an idiot to throw it away

I do hear what you’re saying, but I need to be clear that I didn’t leave my marriage on a whim. It was years of feeling invisible, unheard, and frankly unloved. I knew I didn’t love him either, I never wanted my children to see that as the model of a relationship. Meeting my partner didn’t cause the split, but it did make me realise what I’d been missing. I suppose that’s why it frightens me so much now, because for the first time in my life I actually care if I lose someone. But I just can’t spot pushing him away when I feel reliant emotionally.

You’re right, I can’t expect emotional support from my kids, and I do know they have their own lives. With my eldest though, there’s an unspoken tension, I can’t shake the feeling she’d rather I was still with her dad, even though she’s seen what he’s been like and I’ve told her how invisible I felt.

What happens in this scenario when we remove any thoughts of your DC and exH and focus just on the relationship. What's the relationship like, you don't talk much about that in your post?

answering about my ex husband - I never even knew how much money we had in that marriage, he kept all his finances to himself - I was always transparent about my finances. His earning power was far higher than mine, and I only ever wanted an equal split. But it seemed to pain him not to keep the lion’s share, he still makes little digs now to my youngest daughter.

Thank you, that’s helpful. I’ve started reading about attachment styles and ‘avoidant’ does sound uncomfortably familiar. Counselling might be a good idea.

It might be worth thinking about why you chose your first partner. My guess is that in some way, at some level, his emotional temperature felt safe to you for some reason.

There was something about his way of being in the world that you needed then. Maybe a wound from childhood? Whatever it was, is probably not fully healed.

Oh I completely understand when you've had to live like that before. That's why I said about getting counselling to deal with all the emotions that you've got regarding your marriage. It sounds like you've found a great man and you deserve to be in a happy stable relationship where you are heard and seen. I really hope for your sake that you can overcome the pushing him away because I think your life would be made a hell of a lot happier as a result 😊

When it’s just the two of us, the relationship feels steady and supportive. We enjoy each other’s company, we laugh a lot, and we can talk things through when they come up. He’s easy-going and I feel cared for, and I do believe his love for me is genuine. He has struggled financially in the past, which he’s very transparent about and is working clearing some debt… it’s not a major amount. I just an unknown area for me. What he is very good at is empathy with everyone. He’s even helped me recognise when I slip into attack mode, which I never realised before. So I'd say, It’s not perfect, but it feels good and solid.

I think you’re right. My mum was in and out of relationships and often left us on our own, and my dad divorced her in similar circumstances. From the day he left my mum he chose not to be in contact with me or my sister and gave no financial support. Later he left everything to his son from his second family. I suppose all that made me go for ‘safe and dependable’, even though in the end it was just cold.

It may relate to attachment issues or a desire for self-preservation, especially after spending so long with someone who was quite distant.

You should discuss your feelings with him since you have shared some meaningful thoughts about your relationship.

It seems like both of you are fortunate to have found each other.

Sounds like you fancy him more than he fancies you.

He's making you insecure, you have met your match.

You are going to get hurt.

I don’t think that’s true… he tells me and shows me he loves me, and I do believe it’s genuine. The insecurity is more on my side, if I’m honest. I sometimes feel I’m not enough, or that he could find someone ‘easier’, and that’s when I spiral. I know he cares, but yes, I do worry I’ll get hurt…

You only mention your new partner and your children as sources of emotional support -- do you have good friends? I think you need to recognise that your teenage and adult children are concentrating primarily on their own lives at this point, and that relying on a partner, however supportive and kind, as a sole source of emotional support is unwise and unbalanced. It sounds as if therapy would benefit you.

@aquashivThat really resonates. After so many years with someone distant I think I did go into preservation mode, and it’s hard to unlearn that. I have tried to talk to him about it but I end up feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

I do have friends and my sister, but I find it hard to really open up. My sister can be quite judgmental and always thinks she knows best, and her husband is still very close to my ex, so I think they both miss us being together. I know you’re right though, I can’t lean solely on my partner, even if he is supportive. I'm not used to opening up to people really, my friends didn't even know I wasn't happy in my marriage until I left him. Therapy might be a good step for me.

Your husband and children are probably worried that this man may fleece you.

Your h probably wanted as many assets as he could get so your lover/future husband doesn't get his hands on your inheritance. Unfortunately people think like this.

Is he benefitting by your wealth, the prospect of an easy landing, nice surroundings, your instints are there for a reason and you making this post and you instinctivly pushing him away are not neccesarily rooted in the past abuse of your ex husband.

He has beguiled you, handsome men have that ability, don't underestimate how much they realise this or how they use it to their advantage.

I do understand the concern, and I know people can think like that. But I’ve had legal advice and my finances are secure for me and the children. He doesn’t live with me, he has his own place, and he doesn’t benefit from my wealth.

@BevHonestyou are probably right though, I should be extra cautious to protect mine and my childrens wealth. I don't know if that restricts me having relationships in general.

Of course you should protect your finances and your childrens. These are thoughts that will make them feel insecure, you losing your heart to another man has brought about feelings that are uncomfortable for them to bring up.

This may cause resentment from them but they will try to appear supportive and not jealous.

Your husband has clearly become their safe parent.

I do think lack of equality in relationships is a massive factor, be it looks, financial or class inequality.

Only you know if this is really real but make sure you understand what you could lose against what you could gain.

I think it’s often natural to self sabotage a bit after a long relationship has ended. You e been through a difficult experience and want to avoid being hurt again. But this sounds a bit more than that. I’d talk to your partner and be really open about how you’re feeling. He sounds empathetic and it could bring you closer, or at least help him understand your perspective.
I disagree with PP’s. He’s not necessarily out to fleece you. Don’t make assumptions or base your decisions on random people on the internet who come to posts with their own biases (which we all do). Talk to your partner.

Thank you. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I’ve been looking at this all the wrong way. Perhaps I’ve been trying to balance emotions with practicality when really there isn’t much balance to be had. Security will always come first, whether we like it or not. I’ve already taken legal advice, so I know what the sensible route is, and maybe I just need to follow that through rather than letting myself get swept up in feelings that might only leave me vulnerable. It’s a painful trade-off, but one I suppose I’ll have to live with. More than anything, I want to be a safe parent for my children and to know that what’s theirs will be protected, even if it means setting my own happiness aside.