After more than 25 years of marriage I now find myself in a relationship that is the complete opposite of what I had before. My ex-husband did very well for himself in London, money was never really a concern, but the marriage itself was cold. He could be moody, always had to be right, and there was very little warmth. I never particularly enjoyed sex with him, which I told myself was simply how things were. We’ve had a bitter divorce since, and I feel he’s been rather selfish with money, which has left a sour taste after so many years together.
A couple of years ago I met someone completely different. He isn’t well-off and isn’t especially careful with money, but he’s kind, empathetic, and makes me feel truly seen. He has always encouraged me to keep my finances safe for myself and the children. There’s never been any expectation from him. With him I feel a real physical attraction, which has been quite a revelation after years of simply going through the motions.
The difficulty is me. I have two older daughters and a younger girl at home, a teenager. My eldest wasn’t particularly happy about the divorce and I sometimes feel she still defends her father, even though he could be unkind. She doesn’t seem to defend me in the same way, which I find hurtful. The younger ones can be wrapped up in their own lives too, and that can leave me feeling somewhat overlooked. It makes me lean harder on my partner for closeness, but when it all feels too intense I panic and pull away.
He’s one of those people everyone warms to instantly and very handsome. I can’t help worrying that he could easily find someone younger, lighter, less complicated. When I see how people light up around him, I catch myself resenting it, even though I know deep down it isn’t fair.
Unfortunately I’ve got myself stuck in a pattern: I feel safe and close, then I shut down, sometimes even ending things. Within days I miss him desperately. I withdraw in conflict, but afterwards he’s the only person I want to turn to. It’s as though I’m frightened of needing him too much, even though that’s exactly what I want.
When I step back, I tell myself I’m protecting my children, holding on to security, or sparing myself heartbreak later on. But in truth, what I miss most are the smallest things… watching TV with a cup of tea, wandering the supermarket together, and way he looks at me as though he’s been waiting all day. He makes me feel stronger simply by being there. With him I feel vulnerable but alive. Without him I feel safe, but empty.
I want to know how I can stop pushing him away. Is it even possible, or is this just the way I am?