Giving another chance after infidelity

[LM2092]

I wonder if anyone has experience of potentially giving their partner another chance after infidelity. Background - caught partner of 11 years on Fab Swingers, had been on it for 8 weeks messaging countless women. Claims not to have met up with anyone.

He wants me to give him another chance to prove he has changed as a person, I am unsure. I obviously would rather our family be together, but not sure I can get past the betrayal.

Just wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, has decided to let them prove they have changed, if so how did it go? How did you do it?

he wants me to move back home (I’m staying with family) and he will sleep in spare room, not keen on that idea as think it will confuse our young daughter (5). Considering suggesting couples counselling.

any advice would be appreciated.

Fuck him.

He's done it once. If you forgive him, he'll just see it as a free pass and do it again.

This isn't someone who got drunk and made a stupid mistake. He actively went looking for someone else to get his rocks off to. And then did it again, and again, and again.

You will never ever truly be able to trust him again. Why put yourself through that?

From what your describing seems like he actively chose to do this over and over, and only stopped when he was caught?

You could try to give it a go, but can you say you would honestly be able to fully trust him again? And if not, are you willing to live the rest of your life second guessing everything?

You are not enough.. It ends there

@Appleby You have completely misinterpreted my post.

In that case I apologise but you must see how it can be interpreted wrong??? It looks super harsh

You will never look at him the same way again. You will always wonder what he's up to. It's a hard path you face.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. My view (and I don't know either of you) is that this is the end. He wants his comfortable life back, but he cannot use you in this way.

You know him best (and even better now) so only you can make the final decision. How much uncertainty can you comfortably live with? - because you will always have a doubt about him in your mind. That is very stressful to deal with for a lifetime.

I am sorry he has let you down - it must be devastating for you.

So sorry op, this must be devastating.

Sadly someone who searches for hook ups is unlikely to give it up. It'd be different if it was drunken ons that could be potentially forgiven but weeks (and possibly more on different sites) of talking sexually to women sounds like something he was enjoying. Like all cheats he is only sorry he has been caught.

Do you work, are you married? Is the house in both your names?

Thank you. This is my thoughts also but it is a very hard situation to navigate. I work yes, not married house in his name. So again financially it’s a huge change for me, but I know this and that’s not what’s fuelling my question for trying again.

I personally have a friend who’s partner cheated and they moved past it and very happy now, but just not sure it’s for me hence the query around the couples counselling.

I do think it's worth listening to him and see if he can offer reassurances.

Just obviously be on high alert and do random snoops on his phone .

P.s if you do stay you need to protect yourself financially by either marrying if you think he can be trusted or getting your name on the deeds.

I wouldn't. He has all the power, you aren't married and it's his house. And do you really want to live with the uncertainty and with feeling you have to snoop on his phone to keep him on the straight and narrow? I know it's financially hard, but so is life with a cheat.

Yep, my DH did something similar. I gave him a second chance and listened to all his male bullshit and reassurances because.... 26 years of marriage. We limped along for around 3 years and sometimes I thought we were back in the right place. But we never really were. It was basically a shattered, much loved vase that couldn't be fixed and that reminded me every. single. day. of the hurt he inflicted for the sake of his dick. Besides, he didn't stop anyway so he took me for a mug twice.

Not without some serious therapy for him. He needs to understand why he did it and learn new coping strategies.

Yeah I stayed the first time. Trust was eroded and surprise surprise he did it again. They always do. They just get better at hiding it (or not in some cases). Cheaters always cheat.

Nope. Move on

Yeah, he'll never do it again, honest. This time he's changed, well he has now you've caught him.

The standard of men you women choose to marry and have kids with is truly astounding.

Ask yourself the question. Do I have the mental capacity to live with this daily and be able to not let it effect me in any way?

My brother cheated repeatedly, then each time returned after many tears from sil & kids then carried on with someone else, several times until the last time when he chose to leave for someone 20 yrs his junior….

one of Ffs husband same thing multiple cheat. Then a big “serious” affair which cost him his job, career & their home.
My friend took him back & they are still together, but she never forgets.
—IMHO he still dallies away—.

I’m sorry OP, I’ve been there. Tried to move past it as we were newly married and had 2 young kids but it didn’t get better. Never trusted him again properly and for good reason as he was still doing it! Just got better at hiding it. I guarantee he’s probably also on other sites. Men who actively go looking for it won’t change IMO. This wasn’t a mistake or a one off so why would he stop? He will say how sorry he is etc and I get you’ll want to believe him but as others have said, he’s not sorry. He’s just sorry if you leave as that will be an inconvenience for him. You know this deep down. I did too but still made the wrong decision. So think about it carefully as I wouldn’t want you to waste more time like I did

I could have written this message myself two years ago. I found out my husband had been messaging over 20+ people on there as well as other sites. I had absolutely no idea until I went to use the Web browser on my phone and the emails were there where he'd borrowed my phone ages ago to log in. I kicked him out for about 4 months but he admitted he had a porn addiction which had spiraled. It had been a very poor coping mechanism for spiralling mental health, we'd had a lot of stress and pressure.

He had arranged a meet up for the morning after I'd caught him and now swears blind if he'd gone through with it he wouldn't be here now and sadly I believe him. In that 4 months he had counselling 3 times a week, he told me everything. Every day he finished work and drove over to see the children (3 year old and 9month old) and discussed the progress he made.

He paid to go through counselling and he went to an addicts course and he showed up. I chose to forgive but not forget and two years later the trust is getting there but it is something we have both worked on. I've also had counselling for the trauma.

Only you know yourself what to do, take some time to think it over. Write down your questions you have. Allow yourself to have space. See how he reacts and then go from there. I'm not going to lie it's been difficult, it still is but for me at this moment I have made the right decision for me and my children. Don't get me wrong if it happened again I'd be gone no hesitation. Sending you a hug, here if you need to talk to someone who has already gone through it.

From an ex cheater, never forgive this. They think less of you for forgiving.

How exactly has he "changed as a person" since he got caught out?

I'm sorry OP. Must be such a shock after 11 years.

I don't think I could move past that, and I recommend you get STD checks.

He clearly wanted to remain in your relationship whilst getting his kicks elsewhere, even if they stayed online. I think it's very likely that after a while of being off them, he will eventually get the urge to stick his hand in all the sweet jars again.

My impression is that after something big happens that shales the foundation of the relationship and how you understand them as a person, people try to limp on for the next year or two, before finally realising they'll never get over it and then split.