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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Giving another chance after infidelity

30 replies

LM2092 · 12/09/2025 14:03

I wonder if anyone has experience of potentially giving their partner another chance after infidelity. Background - caught partner of 11 years on Fab Swingers, had been on it for 8 weeks messaging countless women. Claims not to have met up with anyone.

He wants me to give him another chance to prove he has changed as a person, I am unsure. I obviously would rather our family be together, but not sure I can get past the betrayal.

Just wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, has decided to let them prove they have changed, if so how did it go? How did you do it?

he wants me to move back home (I’m staying with family) and he will sleep in spare room, not keen on that idea as think it will confuse our young daughter (5). Considering suggesting couples counselling.

any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

momtoboys · 12/09/2025 19:52

i have not read all the responses but for me I would be done. However, my kids are young adults, I work and an financially secure on my own. If I were in a different situation I may feel differently. I would never be able to trust him again, though.

DrCoconut · 12/09/2025 20:04

My ex did the whole he'd never do it again thing. He ended up breaking that promise in the worst way imaginable and the trauma to our family persists to this day. I divorced him for what he did the second time around and I now believe that men like that are testing the water to see how far they can go. If they are forgiven they think their partner is a mug and just go on to bigger and better cheats.

Original poster

LM2092 · 12/09/2025 20:15

Bella2021 · 12/09/2025 19:42

I could have written this message myself two years ago. I found out my husband had been messaging over 20+ people on there as well as other sites. I had absolutely no idea until I went to use the Web browser on my phone and the emails were there where he'd borrowed my phone ages ago to log in. I kicked him out for about 4 months but he admitted he had a porn addiction which had spiraled. It had been a very poor coping mechanism for spiralling mental health, we'd had a lot of stress and pressure.

He had arranged a meet up for the morning after I'd caught him and now swears blind if he'd gone through with it he wouldn't be here now and sadly I believe him. In that 4 months he had counselling 3 times a week, he told me everything. Every day he finished work and drove over to see the children (3 year old and 9month old) and discussed the progress he made.

He paid to go through counselling and he went to an addicts course and he showed up. I chose to forgive but not forget and two years later the trust is getting there but it is something we have both worked on. I've also had counselling for the trauma.

Only you know yourself what to do, take some time to think it over. Write down your questions you have. Allow yourself to have space. See how he reacts and then go from there. I'm not going to lie it's been difficult, it still is but for me at this moment I have made the right decision for me and my children. Don't get me wrong if it happened again I'd be gone no hesitation. Sending you a hug, here if you need to talk to someone who has already gone through it.

So sorry you had to go through that and thank you for sharing. It’s really helpful to hear from someone who has gone through it and is putting the work in for the sake of your family, unsure if it’s the route I’d want to go down but I’m glad it’s working for you and your family ❤️

OP posts:

Bella2021 · 12/09/2025 20:43

LM2092 · 12/09/2025 20:15

Show quote history

I really feel for you, wish no one else had to go through it. The main thing is give yourself time to process you will go through so many emotions and ups and downs. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do or rush a decision. You do what you want to do and create some rock solid boundaries whether the relationship ends or you decide to continue. It's definitely harder to stay I think, and under different circumstances, if my kids had been older etc. Perhaps I would have walked away. Take care and put yourself first xx

Maltipoo · 12/09/2025 21:41

It won't work. He'll do it again and again. He has already exhibited compulsiveness in his sexual behaviour by messaging so many women. He's not right in the head and you can't fix him. I tend to doubt he can fix himself, even if he wanted to, which I assure you he does not as he is still lying to you. Of course he met up with some of them, that was the purpose of joining the site. There is no hope whatsoever as long as the lying goes on, he has to make full disclosure. Relationship counselling is useless because the problem is not your relationship, the problem is him. He is psycho-sexually disordered. I'm so sorry.

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