Is ex the father

[SadlyNotATroll]

Sigh. I wish this wasn’t real but here we are. I was with DP for many years and we had just started trying for a baby. Had unprotected sex with him on days 9 and 14 of my cycle. I got a high OPK on cycle day 13 (0.85 if any TTCers are on here). 2 days later he dumped me out of the blue. The TTC stuff freaked him out. Ironic. I was devastated, went out with my friends that weekend, got drunk and slept with an old friend. Unprotected but he pulled out. That sex was on day 20 of my cycle. 11 days my period was a few days late and took a test. Got a positive. It’s 3 weeks later and I’m still very much pregnant and don’t know what to do. Before I make any decisions I guess I’d like to know who the likely father is? Please be kind. I’m a mess.

It could honestly be either

I would think your ex is most likely but could be either.

Thanks both. I’m a wreck and can’t talk to anyone about this hence posting here. Thanks for not being judgemental.

Yes, your ex is more likely. But it could be the new guy. Impossible to say.

Sorry, I understand how awful this kind of not knowing is. Hugs.

Do you know when you got your peak OPK rather than the high?

More than likely it’s your ex but there is always a chance it’s your friend.

I feel like I haven’t even started to process the breakup properly because of this whole thing. I know I got myself into this mess and the logical choice is termination, but I’m 35 and worried this might be my only chance at being a mother. If it was the friends I wouldn’t keep it because that doesn’t seem fair. However if it was my exes I think I would; he went into TTC with his eyes open then got cold feet when it was too late.

I never got a peak; tested until CD16 and my levels went back to very low. Then got dumped and stopped testing, started drinking wine every night instead!

The friend is an adult, who is having sex without precautions. Pregnancy is a risk!

Focus on what you want.

As a thought experiment, I would advise to try stop thinking about the men for a while. Just pretend they don't exist temporarily, and ask yourself if you want to bring a baby up by yourself. (Totally valid choice if you do want to).

Screw anyone else's judgement at keeping the baby, or at terminating. What do you want, do you know?

I truly don’t know what I want. I flip flop constantly and change my mind by the minute. I would love to be a mum and feel I could do it alone - I have lots of friends and family close by and a good job with 6 months full pay mat leave. I own a home. But I don’t know if I want it like this. But what if I never meet anyone else and get the chance again, I’d always regret terminating even though I’m totally pro choice. It’s agony and the last 3 weeks have been horrendous.

If by day day 16 you were back to low I’d say it’s your exes. 12-24 hours post ovulation eggs are no longer viable for fertilisation so I’d say ex is the safe bet.

As another person said focus on what you want. Just let your head settle and the initial shock wear off before you make a decision.

Ex is far more likely, but other one is a slight possibility. If he pulled out properly that is actually quite effective (not 100% but it does vastly reduce the chance) as well as the dates being unlikely, so you'd need a dna test to be certain but I'd be assuming it's the ex with a minor possibility of the friend.

The chances are higher it is your ex, but the reality is it is perfectly possible it is the other man. Despite pulling out, nearly all men will have sperm already on them (and you) from foreplay and continue to release some before orgasm…at least that’s my experience.

I’ve read online that there isn’t actually any sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluid (can you tell I’m driving myself mad??!)

You make your decision, regardless of who you think the dad is
This is your baby ,your body your decision
They both know the consequences of unprotected sex
Do not abort unless it is what you want
If you decide to keep baby ,you can let them know the situation
To not take any criticism for this situation of either of them

I agree with everyone else that you need to forget about the men and what is “fair” to them, or anything backwards-looking. You are thinking about them because they are real to you and right now the baby is not, it is still more of an idea than a reality. You need to think forward and, as all PP have said, ask what you want for the future. Imagine:

1. Bringing baby up as a single mum. (You may or may not meet someone later but I wouldn’t complicate things by worrying about that).
2. Terminating and never having a baby.
3. Terminating, meeting someone else great and having a child with him.

Basically, is the possibility of 3 strong enough to run the risk of 2? Personally at age 35 for me it wouldn’t be and I’d take option 1 without hesitation. But I’m not you. You need to work that out for yourself and do not give the men involved weight in this decision.

Why wouldn't it be fair? Raise the child on your own. I was in a similar predicament with my first child. Not 100% sure who his father was when I found out I was pregnant. (I was 6 months at the time, but that'sa whole other story).
I raised my son with no help from either possible father. The one who was his father didn't find out about him until my son was 12.
You also say that you are in your 30s and this may be your only chance to be a mom. So I would keep the child. Not sure if you have a lot of people to support you during this, but don't make any hasty decisions.
Sending good thoughts your way and I'm sure you will make the best decision for you.

You said "we had just started trying for a baby." How did the TTC stuff freak him out?

Side note you definitely cannot be that devastated to end up sleeping the next guy you meet a week later, unprotected. Not even trying to judge here but you must not have liked him that much for a start.

Wishing you the best outcome either way

I think it just suddenly felt too real for him. The OPKs, talking about baby names and making plans for children scared him and he bailed. It sounds crazy but it’s true. Men are weird.

And I don’t think that’s a fair comment about “you can’t have been that devastated”. I actually think it’s horrible and exactly what I was worried about starting this thread. Going to duck out now. Thanks everyone who was constructive, not just a judgy cow.

Men are weird indeed; one could say the same about sleeping with the next guy condomless a week later when you are "devastated".

I promise you, it was just an observation of the contradiction. I hope you have the best outcome here because the baby is an innocent being.

Could be either as it is just too close to call. Only thing you can do is do the right thing and hold your hands up and be honest with both men about the situation and get a DNA test when baby is here.

Aww OP, hugs to you. No judgement here, just empathy.

It seems an impossible situation BUT this baby, regardless of who the father is, is yours.

I think you need to be honest with both parties, as awful as that’s going to feel and as uncertain as that’s going to make the next few months it is the right and most fair way of dealing with it.

obviously once baby is here you can determine paternity and hopefully whoever that is, will be willing to step up and be part of babies life. There are many ladies however, who have done just fine brining up baby on their own and you could absolutely do it too.

You clearly want a baby and as you say at 35 starting from scratch, it may not be the easiest.

good luck in whatever you decide xx

But it’s the truth and exactly what everyone would be saying if a woman was crying about her ex sleeping with someone else immediately AND getting them pregnant. Take some accountability.