Is it too soon to introduce kids to the idea that I am dating?

[RavenMorning]

Hi All,
Some background...I have 2 DD's (11 and 13). Their dad and I were together 18 years, separated 11 months ago and the children have lived with us both 50/50 ever since. Our divorce is almost complete (fingers crossed for October) so 1 year after separating.

I met someone online 4 weeks ago and we have been on 2 dates, and we text each other throughout the day every day. He is widowed and has 2 boys who live with him, the same age as my girls, so finding time to see each other has to be worked around our childcare. We get on really well, have the same values and I'd like to keep dating and see where it goes but I'm not sure how my children will feel and don't want to do anything to make them uncomfortable.

At the same time, I don't want to keep any part of my life hidden from them either, especially if this person becomes important to me. The man I'm dating is very open with his family about the fact he is dating so as far as I know his DS's know.

As far as I am aware my ex isn't dating anyone, and we had a conversation early on agreeing that we would let each other know first if we had met someone significant before telling the children, so that we could both be on the same page.

To those who have been in similar positions, how did you approach the subject of another man/woman being in your life with your children? I certainly wouldn't introduce anyone to my girls until I've known them at least 3-4 months anyway, so it's just the idea of Mum dating that I'm thinking about at the moment.

Any advice welcome!
Thanks

I completely disagree that your daughters need to know you're dating or that they need to meet and approve of any man before you let yourself get too involved. They need stability and security following a divorce, not to start worrying that they'll have a new stepfather or have to share their home with some man.

You're 50/50 so you have plenty of time to spend with men without the girls around.

take your time, pls. As Simone who had to deal with it as a teen. Make sure you realllllly know the person, and don’t rush the kids once you know either

Just tell them now. You only need to mention that you're thinking of dating to start with. Don't tell them everything, just gradually lead them along to the idea of you having a bf/partner. Crazy that some people are suggesting to keep a relationship secret for one or two years. What sort of example is that setting to your kids? How would you feel if your currently 13 yo dd turns round in two years time and tells you she's had a bf for two years and you're the last person she's told?

If your new relationship lasts two years, things will probably be pretty serious by then, no? How's it going to look to your DC if you suddenly introduce a 'new' partner at that point? The longer you keep it from them the crazier and faster it'll appear to them when you do tell them.

The most important thing is to make it clear to your dd that you're dating for you and not for a replacement dad for them - he's your bf not their step parent.

Idiotic. Your child dating and not telling you is very very different from an adult dating and not telling their child. Absolutely idiotic. Anyone who makes that comparison is really not worth listening to.

I have 2 daughters similar ages when I tried to start dating. Again we are very close and they were very upset when I told them that I wasn’t being open with them and felt I was keeping a secret from them.
several years in they are still not ok with the idea of me dating and I don’t but if I did they have said they would want to know rather than it be a secret.
I would say my situation is different as I am sole parent but I guess you have 50/50 so easier to have a relationship without involving them but I completely get why you don’t want to not share with them.

So, I worked in mental health as a psychologist. First with children and then with the elderly.

The dynamic you’ve described is very unhealthy. Your children’s reaction to you keeping your private life private from them is unhealthy. I’m very sorry, and I’m not trying to offend you, but it is. Your job is to raise your kids to be happy and healthy and secure, and not to involve them in your dating life until you’re secure with someone. That doesn’t mean they meet them, nor do you give the full story. You just say that you’ve met someone and you’re going to date them and you’re very happy, and maybe in a few months they can all meet. If your kids feel betrayed then that is not an ideal dynamic, and requires more conversation around boundaries and your life as an adult vs your life as their parent.

Not dating because, several years later, your kids will forbid it is… an unhealthy family dynamic. You should consider some therapy to help you and the kids communicate over this.

Back to the OP, A year is nothing to kids. To them, their parents split is still fresh. They do not need to be told that mum or dad is dating. It’s the wrong move.

There are so many varying opinions on this. I really appreciate everyones points of view and can see both sides and the sliding scale of opinion. A friend of mine has a 19 year old daughter, he started dating someone and after the 3rd date he invited that person to his DD's graduation party. It seemed fast in my eyes to invite someone to such an important occasion but I guess his daughter being an adult made all the difference there. Likewise, a very young child of 2 or 3 may be a different kettle of fish. My girls are at a really vulnerable age emotionally (even without the separation, theres hormones, school life etc) so I certainly won't be introducing them to anyone soon and having reflected on my original post, I don't think I'll even breadcrumb the idea of me dating either. I think they need to feel like they know the landscape without having new dynamics to get their heads around just yet. I don't want them to feel there is an air of unpredictability in their lives.

If I'm still dating the same person next year I'll revisit the idea or talking to them about it, by which time they'll be 12 and 14 and much more used to the new family dynamic we're in.

I was widowed last year at the age of 54 and wasn’t looking to date for at least another year, but I met a man who is also widowed, he asked for my number and we’ve been on some dates. I suppose the difference here is that neither of us have ever done OLD, so I’m not too worried about him finding another. I’ve been very open, from the start, with my two DCs (17 and 19) that I’m going out on a date. We live in a small town and I didn’t want them getting second hand information from someone at school or another source. They’ve both been very mature and supportive about it (‘good for you Mum’). I’ve told them it’s gentle dating to see how i/we go. It’s going really well so far 😊 and we are very compatible.

It really is the best way to do it. Especially because, sorry to say it, but dating at our age is hard and there are a lot of really bad guys out there 😬. You could have a wonderful few months and then the cracks show. It’s just something you keep to yourself.

If your kids were 16/17, then you could tell them you’re dating. But they’re not, and you’re right to wait until they are more settled and more secure and feel safe in the new co-parenting relationship.

There is the other sad side to it which is that when men start dating, they very often bring the new woman around almost immediately. Your ex may not, but it’s been a big issue for a lot of kids with split parents. The man causing such unsettling means that you need to be their solid one, and keep things calm and take it slowly.

To my knowledge, and as long as he is still of the same opinion, my soon to be ex-husband agreed with me that it was the right thing to do to discuss any serious new partners, if and when they become a feature, with each other first before introducing anyone to our children. We felt that it was best incase the children go back to the other parents with any questions, so we're both on the same page.
In honesty dating hadn't even been on my radar, I was perfectly happy to spend a few years on my own but here I am having met someone I find interesting, funny, attractive and who seems to have his life in order so we will see.

'You do not tell them. This navel gazing “I don’t want to keep anything hidden from them” is just nonsense. You’re an adult. They are kids. There are a thousand things you don’t tell kids because they’re kids and they don’t need that. Telling them is for you, not for them. And after 2 dates? Give your head a wobble.'

Very well said. OP, these are your children, not your friends. There's plenty of stuff that you should be keeping from them at this age. They absolutely do not need to know about their mother's sex life. Have a good time but do it when they're at their dad's

I don't think you need to tell your children you are dating, or that you are dating anyone in particular, until you are ready to introduce them. When that is will depend on how quickly your relationship progresses and I don't have any experience of dating with kids so I won't offer any advice on that.

If they happen to ask you directly about dating, I wouldn't lie though

Oh God I'd never date or have anyone here when my kids are around anyway not for a looooong time! I wouldn't be comfortable with that and I'm sure they wouldn't be either. I can't imagine ever having anyone stay overnight while my girls are here too to be honest.

I would talk in general about how it would be nice to have a boyfriend and you might want one to spend Time with and go on dates when when they’re not there. If they ask if you have one you can honestly say no right now, but who knows you might meet one one day.

then in 5 months if it’s all going really well you can tell them you do have a bf and what you’ve been up to with him. But no need to rush then actually meeting him!

Being close to your kids doesn’t mean you tell them everything OP. They aren’t your partner or best friend. Sometimes you need to protect them from things that might confuse or distress them.

You’ve been separated from their father for a year, it’s absolutely fine for you to tell them you are dating. Ignore the man haters who’d rather you were single for the rest of your life.

But of course, that’s different from introducing them to anybody who you are dating.

I think MNetters are really hung up on this. My husband had been on his own a year and we'd had a handful of dates before I met his kids (primary age). However, we knew we were serious very quickly. We kept the visits short for a few more weeks but I stayed over when they were with him within 6 weeks or so. We did not do any overt displays of affection for a while but I can't remember how long exactly. We married within 18 months and have been together 25 years. I know I would have been blasted had I been on MN during the early days.

They won’t want to know. At that age it would be ewww to think of their Mum with a boyfriend. Tell them when you find someone serious who you’ve been with a while. They won’t want to know you’re on Tinder meeting different people.

I wouldn't tell them you are dating unless it's something that they ask you. Then they are old enough that you don't need to lie.
You can be conscious of how you phrase it though, I wouldn't mention having met anyone but say that you are open to meeting someone and will go on dates if asked.
And use that open conversation to discuss that you are a grown woman who wants to feel connection and love and that is a completely natural thing.

I've been separated for almost 3 years and attempting to date for 2.
My kids know nothing at all and I don't intend to say until I'm with someone that is definitely going to be a part of our life.
My DD is almost 12 (my son is younger so not comparable to your situation)
My dates are always when I don't have them and if the other person wants to share with his family then that's their choice but I'd have encouraged them not to at this point. I'd hate for them to be hopeful and make it harder for me to leave if it isn't turning out well.
As I'm still very much single, it shows how far my dating has gone with a lot of ghosting so I'm quite cynical on how fast things can change so be overly cautious in case.

No too soon maybe after a year no sooner for me , no way.

In the space of 6 minutes, you’ve posted in two threads and called everyone “man haters.” What is it you’re trying to do? You seem to have a weird agenda.

You’re not actually looking at anything that’s been said, or using any sort of critical thinking. You’re just jumping around calling people man haters. Why are you on mumsnet just to do that? Bit sad really. Maybe you should try practicing comprehension and critial thinking and give some more nuanced replies with actual advice.

@GiveDogBone
After looking at your posting history, I see that you often say “man haters” and use terms like “psycho bitch.”

I think that gives us a good idea of your character and we can simply disregard anything you say. I’ll definitely make sure to watch for your posts.

Wait. I would say 6 months/ a year. Even my DC 16 I wouldn’t say anything for quite a while. They may have a range of emotions which are wasted if this isn’t long term.

Too soon.
Until you’ve had the exclusivity conversation and agree that this is serious, they don’t need to know. The problem with telling them is that some kids want a meet up or know details and that’s inappropriate right now.

If this doesn’t work and they know you’re dating then they will ask why plus there’s the risk that they’ll tell their dad. You haven’t mentioned if the divorce is amicable or not but this can be a trigger for nasty exes- especially if they don’t have a new partner already and can easily turn into a new “mum cheated” narrative.

Your children shouldn’t know about your dating life. They are at an age where they could be horrified that you used a dating app or had lots of first dates or something because of their lack of inexperience in life and find the knowledge almost parentification. Stick to “seeing a friend” for several more months.

I’ve been divorced for 8 years, never brought anyone home and never discussed dating with my children. They are all older teens now but I still wouldn’t introduce anyone unless I was planning to get remarried.Why should they have any involvement in your love life and do not move anyone in when they are vulnerable pre teens/teens.