If you don’t live together but stay at each others houses 3+ times a week, how involved are you in DPs daily life or family organising?

[keepingsanity]

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable here but DP of 3.5 years stays here 3-4 nights a week. He sometimes thinks of bringing dinner and wine etc but he isn’t really involved in the daily running of the house. Well he doesn’t think about it or only thinks of it when prompted. we’ve had many conversations about this and he is improving. So things like checking there is enough milk, someone is working late so ensuring dinner is available for them, is there cash out for the cleaner every Friday , bins out on bin day, general daily planning, fixing a broken handle or changing a lightbulb really. I understand that sorting all the bills etc is my bag as it’s my house.

are these just the daily things I need to deal with as it’s my house my circus, or is this the classic mental load being ignored by DP?

although he doesn’t live here full time he is here a lot. It feels unbalanced to me and putting me off living with him full time.

how do others organise their workload if they don’t live together full time?

I used to stay at now-DH’s a few nights a week, before we moved in together. I’d usually message asking if he needed me to pick up any groceries (or he’d message to ask if I could), and I’d cook, clean up after myself / us as we went in terms of loading and unloading the dishwasher and keeping the kitchen tidy etc; but I wouldn’t have thought to do repairs, do his ironing, or organise the cleaning because as you say I also suspect he is conscious of it being my house and not wanting to step on toes. It would have felt weird. (And I’d probably not have liked it if he did any of that in my house.)

That’s the conversation you need to have properly, that you essentially want him to be part of the household rather than a visitor and to pitch in with all those household tasks, preemptively, as if you lived together.

He's got into the habit of leaving the essential tasks of having and running a home to others. He does next to nothing at his parents' and little at yours despite his being there half the time.

Has he ever lived independently for a length of time, like a few years?

That you've spoken about it multiple times and he hasn't stepped up, guess what. He's not going to do his share. You're not going to change him.

Hmm I’m not sure actually.

im assuming he goes back home and does all these things?

I wouldn’t expect him to do a big clean up and some things on your list I wouldnt expect either. Ie bin day - hard to remember your own bin day, let alone someone else’s.

having dinner ready/sorted - again not sure.

changing a lightbulb - I just wouldn’t do this where I don’t live full time?

I really do get your point and it must be frustrating to remind someone but I just think while it still feels like someone else’s home, they might still think of it like that.

And also sounds like from your comments, he’s just not use to running a home - that comes with practice once you’ve owned/lived on your own/

if everything else is great in your relationship, I’d keep going and just try gently prompting. He must do things that are helpful and you do like?

Sorry but I think you're crazy!

I stay at my partner's house 3/4 nights per week. I do a lot of the cooking so I'll wipe the kitchen down after but that's it. I don't contribute anything else to the house, because I have my own house to look after and I'm not doing double the work!!

Before my partner got his house, he would stay at mine 4 nights a week and other than doing the dishwasher, he didn't do anything and I wouldn't have expected him to!

Expecting someone who doesn't actually live with you full time to do the recycling, laundry, meal planning, vacuuming etc is just crazy. They are jobs for the home owner!

I've been with DP for about 18 months, I stay at his a couple of nights a week usually. Even with just two nights, we chat about whether bread/milk etc need picking up, what we're going to do for dinner, I help with a bit of housework and DIY etc. Even though it's 2 nights it feels like my second home and I keep a fair bit of my things there, so I chip in to help, he just does the bulk of it

Congratulations on being mum to an adult. I would expect him to contribute to the expense of being at yours and I would not shop, clean or do his laundry. Any grown arse man who doesn’t pull his weight, shouldn’t be referred to as dear partner, that is a title that needs to be earnt.