If you don’t live together but stay at each others houses 3+ times a week, how involved are you in DPs daily life or family organising?

[keepingsanity]

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable here but DP of 3.5 years stays here 3-4 nights a week. He sometimes thinks of bringing dinner and wine etc but he isn’t really involved in the daily running of the house. Well he doesn’t think about it or only thinks of it when prompted. we’ve had many conversations about this and he is improving. So things like checking there is enough milk, someone is working late so ensuring dinner is available for them, is there cash out for the cleaner every Friday , bins out on bin day, general daily planning, fixing a broken handle or changing a lightbulb really. I understand that sorting all the bills etc is my bag as it’s my house.

are these just the daily things I need to deal with as it’s my house my circus, or is this the classic mental load being ignored by DP?

although he doesn’t live here full time he is here a lot. It feels unbalanced to me and putting me off living with him full time.

how do others organise their workload if they don’t live together full time?

If he is staying with you so often then yes he should be cleaning up, cooking and doing his fair share. He can’t expect you to be the hostess at that level of frequency. Set the bar high now and don’t let him get into the habit of you doing everything as it will carry on that way if you move in properly.

Yes those are my exact thoughts. I feel like I’m subconsciously auditioning him for a full time role and he’s falling short!

I find it frustrating to ask when he is here that much. But I keep defaulting to “it’s not his home”

we’ve spoken about this a few times though and he still needs a prompt

I think it depends on how long you’ve been together and what you do at his home. I probably do more at my BF’s than he does at mine, but that’s partly because he’s aware more and I sometimes stay when hes
not there, and I’ll pick up doing things like emptying the laundry basket or running the hoover round (mainly because it bugs me if its messy).
at mine he’ll help with cooking and set the table, help to clear away, and might even load the dishwasher. he’ll do things like put the bins out if asked to help!

DP and I live separately and average 4-5 nights a week together in one or other house.

We pay for all of our respective house expenses ourselves, and mostly shop and pay for food and drinks at our own homes, but if there’s nothing in the other might pick something up and cook. We muck in with chores at each other’s places and help each other with DIY and so on, though we’d typically do the laundry, hoovering etc at our own houses. If we see the bin needs emptied at the others house, we’ll just do it!

All of that is predicated on being at the others house mostly equal amounts. It sounds like you’re never at his, and so don’t get the reciprocal time off food shopping, cleaning etc? In which case he needs to pull his weight.

i don’t stay at his or if I do it’s only very very occasionally so I can’t compare really.

sometimes he will do the ironing or something similar but it’s presented as a big favour and praise is expected if you see what I mean. It’s not consistently covered so I know it’s off my plate.

Who’s ironing is he doing though? Yours or his or joint laundry??

whose clothes is he ironing? His and yours, because his laundry is done at yours? That’s not helping, that’s doing his fair share. If he’s doing your ironing, that’s a favour (and not one I’d expect).

For me and DP, day to day stuff like cooking and clearing up, doing the recycling etc is shared at the others house, and we do each others laundry along with our own, but I wouldn’t eg do his quarterly oven clean or expect him to deep clean my bathroom.

Why don’t you split the time more evenly with you staying at his?

I'm thinking not of a partner, but anyone i spent 3-4 night per week with - parent's, friend, relative, etc.

If I was staying at anyone's house 3-4 night per week, yes I would definitely expect to pitch in to meal planning, cleaning up after myself /my host, and pitching into things like bins, hoovering, getting groceries in, etc. Ironing intermittently could he a task I do, but does not negate the need for other contributions.

Surely the height of entitlement to avoid all household admin.

yes I think that is the case @DownThePubWithStevieNicksi don’t get that time off - it’s just me doing the majority of thinking and doing. It’s quite tricky finding a balance but I do find it t really off putting to have to tell a man what needs doing on the daily.

That’s a good comparison actually thank you 😊

So my DP always stays at mine rather than vice versa (due to location of his and work etx).
He helps when here, will cook, clear up, stack and unstack dishwasher etc. He will text on his way to ask if he needs to get dinner and cheerfully pops out if either of us are cooking and we need an ingredient or are out of milk.
I wouldn't expect him to really get involved in household planning per se. So meal plans or working out that it's time to change the sheets or whatnot. It's my house and Im here all the time so I dont expect him to know what's what. I do have 2 DSs too who eat everything so planning around them is a big ask for anyone. He does stay slightly less than your DP, usually 3 nights one week and 1 or 2 the other when my DS are around.
I prefer it being my house and my rules. I'm not ready to share !

My DP and I live apart, always have and been together ages. He brings round food, cleans up, does chores and DIY.
It hasn't always been easy though, you have to be clear about your expectations. He's there 4 nights, he's saving on his energy bills for starters. Sounds like your feeding him most the time, this all adds up! He's got a cushy set up, fine if you're into him but you need to lay down some rules about general contributions now, or you will start to resent him, which will ruin the relationship anyway.

Right but have you had the convo about what chores you do want him to pitch in on. He may be trying to respect your house as being your house. So just say to him, as you're here 3 nights a week, so on your nights you are in charge of bins, dishwasher, meal prep and hoovering. Don't worry about laundry or groceries, I'll sort those.

Or whatever version works for you. But just tell him once and leave him to own it. If he doesn't do it then leave it. I know that will be annoying for you but he has to learn to do the assigned chores !

DP stays at mine 3 nights a week. I have children and she doesn't, so it's a rare treat I can stay at hers.

One night a week she cooks the dinner. The other nights she's here, I cook and she washes up. She does other bits and pieces, including helping with DC or life admin, either if she spots they need doing or if I ask, but some of the examples given (ironing, bins out, cash for the hypothetical cleaner) I would never expect her to do because they're all jobs she's going to need to do at her own home. She does absolutely as much as I'd wish for, and I think the struggle we'll both have when we eventually live together will be more about making sure the other doesn't do more than their share, rather than worrying it's not enough.

I think the imbalance in who stays at whose home has challenges both ways - DP lives out of a suitcase half the week to spend time with me, and has to fit her own laundry and housework etc into smaller pockets of time than i do since she's at mine so much. It works for us both for now, but it'll be nice to live together and enjoy the efficiencies of not having two households to run and keep tidy!

Does he do all that for his own house? Do you stay at his and help out there?

@Whyherewegothat’s a good approach. I’m frustrated with the sporadic help so maybe agreeing “his” jobs then he is clearer. Sometimes our schedules are erratic so if he knows what his job is expectations are he may be more focused. I also suspect he is conscious of it being my house and not wanting to step on toes.

He doesn’t do these at his own house. It’s a long story but no, he doesn’t need to do the bills etc/life admin. He does some house work but it is mostly taken care of.

due to the circumstances I don’t stay there except very occasionally

No, I never would have expected any of this stuff on a regular basis from Dh when we were dating and staying with each other.

It’s probably a little bit different because we were long distance, like 11 hour flight away, for several years, so when we were together, we did actually live together, 24/7 for a month or two at a time. And then yes, we would have done food shopping together and cooked together and I would have expected him to empty the bin.

But when we were dating and living in the same town and just staying over at each other’s, no, my house was my house. I cleaned, I did the bins, I did my own washing, food shopping, cooking. Obviously, I’d expect Dh to sort out his own mess when he stayed over - tidy up his dishes, pick up his clothes, etc. He would have stopped to get milk if I asked, but I would never have expected him to keep on top of the milk and get some. Or pay my cleaner.

It sounds like though from what you’re saying that he maybe lives at home? So his parents sort everything for him. Is that why you’re expecting him to have time and energy to take on more at yours? I think maybe I’d have concerns that he isn’t adulting in general, yes. Not that he isn’t adulting in my house. I’d be a bit turned off by a man who wasn’t living independently, even though I wouldn’t expect him to necessarily do it at mine.

I stay with DP 9 out of 14 nights. I contribute towards the household as I am here to often. If he’s out at say football practice with his DC I’ll make sure dinner is ready when he gets back. I’ll Hoover, clean the kitchen and bathroom etc put the bins out

@mindutopiayes he lives with his very elderly parent - the bills are all sorted out by family members and the cleaning is done bar some ironing and the odd wash. he does some gardening but that’s less in the winter months.

he’s in a difficult position as if he moved out his parent would need to go into a care home full time and we think they wouldn’t survive it he has lived alone independently for many years so I know he has it in him!

It’s this sort of proactive approach that he’s missing, I always have to prompt. Even if I sit down and explain my week he doesn’t think wider than “what’s for tea” or beyond this evenings requirements.

I took about 2 years to move in with DH and honestly I’d have thought he was insane if he’d asked me to do the ironing or remember to pay the cleaner. Part of the gig Not living with someone is that you have your own boring shit to do in your own house and you don’t get to do all the boring shit at theirs. I’d pitch in with cleaning up after a meal or picking something up for tea….but not much else to be honest.

I stay with DP frequently and I do pitch in and contribute to the basic running of his house because I’m there so often and contribute to things needing done.
I clean the bathroom, Hoover/dust/tidy, stick a washing on, change the bed, put clothes away, do the gardening, do DIY. Nip to the shops and buy bits and pieces for dinner etc.
I rarely cook or tidy up after cooking as the kitchen is his domain really but I do occasionally make something and take it over to his.
I then come back to mine and do the same household tasks.
I don’t pay towards any bills other than food stuff for us.
there’s no way I would not contribute to the running of the house when I spend so much time there. He doesn’t expect it but he does appreciate my involvement.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have to remind him when the cleaner comes, or when the bins are collected. If he’s only there part time on random days it won’t be top of his mind.

And also is it just a passive aggressive way to get him to pay for the cleaner, he should hardly have to be pay every week if he’s only there part time. Ditto with any weekly task, like putting the bins out. He’s only there half the time.

And if it is only some times he needs to do things, hardly surprising you need to tell him when.

Daily tasks, like cooking / washing up are different, they should be split 50:50 over the days he’s there.