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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In-laws show no interest in us or the kids.

37 replies

2babies2 · 10/09/2025 19:37

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?

Ive been with partner 7 years with 2 small ones. My partners parents are in mid, late 50’s and in good health. They go out etc, no issues driving to things they want to .They never come to see us or the kids. They tell everyone they are amazing grandparents and this is getting on my nerves. They come for a birthday if we are home and if not just leave the gift on the doorstep and that’s it.

My partner will ring them and they basically talk about themselves. I’ve kind of had it now with them. If they can’t be bothered to visit I make no effort to visit them either. They still tell people they are amazing grandparents. Friends parents do days out, visit and love their grandkids.

Is it petty of me to just not bother with them. I don’t want to teach my kids to chase people who make no effort in return. I have in the past sent them photos of the kids and they’ve put them on social media saying how much they love them. But I can’t see how they do?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 10/09/2025 20:18

Sound exactly like my PIL. My daughter could walk past them in the street and not recognise them in the slightest and that’s something they have to live with, not me, it’s them who are missing out.

Take a step back, don’t stand in the way of them having a relationship with them of course but let them ask, if they don’t then there you go.

It is infuriating though when there is the false narrative. We bumped into a friend of MIL a couple
of weeks ago who was quick to tell us how much MIL “loves” and is “besotted” with our daughter, we took great pleasure in pointing out that was strange because she hasn’t seen her or even sent a message asking about her for months :)

Lighteningstrikes · 10/09/2025 20:21

Yes sorry they sound utterly crap.

I hope your own parents are good grandparents.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/09/2025 20:26

I don't think you are petty at all. If you keep trying and getting nothing back you'll only get resentful so I think you're being sensible to pull back.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 20:50

Who are they telling that they are amazing grandparents? If someone tells you what they have said, just act really surprised and say 'that's odd, because they can't be bothered to see the kids'.

I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to send them pictures of the kids for them to put up on social media and I'd stop making any effort with them.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 10/09/2025 20:54

Send them stock pics of random dc... Don't engage.. Let dh deal with any communication..

Original poster
2babies2 · 10/09/2025 20:59

For all the excuses we are given to me all I hear with their lack of effort is we just don’t care. My parents care, they come over all the time. Give them pocket money for holiday, want to spend time with them and find out what they are doing. Their actions match there talking, the others just don’t add up. If they cared then they wouldn’t be able to stay away.

OP posts:
Original poster
2babies2 · 10/09/2025 21:00

My partner kind of falls for it and makes excuses for them. I don’t think he was raised the same as me, he is used to being ignored by them. He says of course they love them!

OP posts:
Endofyear · 10/09/2025 22:19

Does your DH invite them over for Sunday lunch, bbq, days out etc? What excuses do they make?

BonneMaman77 · 10/09/2025 22:55

2babies2 · 10/09/2025 21:00

My partner kind of falls for it and makes excuses for them. I don’t think he was raised the same as me, he is used to being ignored by them. He says of course they love them!

Sounds like a crap situation. But I second the idea of inviting them to your place for specific lunch or dinner or evening, give that sort of specific invite a few times and see how that goes?

I feel for your DH, he may be making excuses but I expect he too is disappointed and probably sad but it’s easier to make excuses.

OneCleverPinkFawn · 11/09/2025 07:36

Nothing petty imo, they make zero effort and get none in return 💁leaving the gift at the doorsteps without even visiting is wild! I'd just start sending out smartshow 3d birthday videos and never bother with their birthday or christmas gifts at all. Good for you for not wanting to teach your kids chasing those that don't care.

MigGirl · 11/09/2025 07:41

My IL'S are like this, we stopped making an effort years ago and hardly ever see them. Now the kids are older they just send money on their birthdays. MIL actually forgot DS birthday one year. It's pants but your lucky you have parents who make an effort. We live 4 hours away from mine so although they are far more interested we don't see them often either.

Original poster
2babies2 · 11/09/2025 07:42

MigGirl · 11/09/2025 07:41

My IL'S are like this, we stopped making an effort years ago and hardly ever see them. Now the kids are older they just send money on their birthdays. MIL actually forgot DS birthday one year. It's pants but your lucky you have parents who make an effort. We live 4 hours away from mine so although they are far more interested we don't see them often either.

We are a 12 minute drive!

OP posts:
saraclara · 11/09/2025 07:46

What happens when you invite them (giving a particular date and time)?
What happens if you invite yourselves to them?

chunkybear · 11/09/2025 07:58

On reflection a few years ago, my PILs are exactly the same, our children are now 17 and 13, about 4-5 years ago they moved house and their neighbours had their grandchildren over every weekend, in the garden, playing and having a great time, they suddenly realised that didn’t happen with our children or my SIL children… why… well because they’ve literally never been bothered enough to become involved, and frankly when we made an effort they could just be rude or dismissive of our children (both ND so can be challenging at times with being either very quiet, or my ADHD child can be explosive— and they don’t want to out up with that or they get cross and tell the kids off … we are low contact these days, and only go if my DH asks multiple times and we all give in … DC hate visiting too due to MIL rudeness towards them and FIL being an enabler

Original poster
2babies2 · 11/09/2025 08:22

They are happy enough if you turn up or you call them but off their own backs they do nothing. The whole 6 weeks holidays we didn’t hear from them. I am fed up of doing the work, either asking them to come or us going. I don’t have to do any work with my parents relationships with the kids.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 11/09/2025 08:22

Some people just aren’t all that interested in being grandparents.

Original poster
2babies2 · 11/09/2025 08:23

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 11/09/2025 08:22

Some people just aren’t all that interested in being grandparents.

Or parents to their adult children either it seems. My parents like our company.

OP posts:
Tablesandchairs23 · 11/09/2025 08:33

Stop making the effort. If your husband wants to let him. They're missing out.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 11/09/2025 08:41

2babies2 · 11/09/2025 08:23

Or parents to their adult children either it seems. My parents like our company.

Show quote history

Not everyone is close to their family or had a functional upbringing themselves. It’s also the case that just because you’re related to someone, doesn’t mean that there’s a connection or relationship there.

Obviously it’s okay to be sad, angry and frustrated and to grieve what isn’t there but ultimately you’ll probably all be happier if you just let it be.

autienotnaughty · 11/09/2025 08:46

Do you invite them? My parents were very much wait for an invite people. They also didn’t like people dropping in but would happily accept an offer to visit them.
with dh parents it’s a bit more relaxed every couple weeks or so us or them will ring and organise a meet up.(we live an hour away so can’t just stop in)

Katiesaidthat · 11/09/2025 08:49

2babies2 · 10/09/2025 21:00

My partner kind of falls for it and makes excuses for them. I don’t think he was raised the same as me, he is used to being ignored by them. He says of course they love them!

If he didn´t and they´ve treated him the same he would have to face a very painful conclusion. So he´d rather not.

saraclara · 11/09/2025 09:40

2babies2 · 11/09/2025 08:22

They are happy enough if you turn up or you call them but off their own backs they do nothing. The whole 6 weeks holidays we didn’t hear from them. I am fed up of doing the work, either asking them to come or us going. I don’t have to do any work with my parents relationships with the kids.

I don't invite myself to my adult children's homes. They have busy lives and I don't want to put them under pressure or to sound needy, so I wait to be invited.

I do, however, message occasionally before a weekend and casually ask if anyone is around to meet up or would like to come to me. I just don't invite myself to theirs.

OrangeSlices998 · 11/09/2025 09:42

Would they come over if you invited them?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 11/09/2025 09:43

It is their loss.
A lot of DGP have had enough of DC through raising their own, they're working towards retirement funds and enjoying the freedom.
It's their choice.

Original poster
2babies2 · 11/09/2025 09:44

OrangeSlices998 · 11/09/2025 09:42

Would they come over if you invited them?

Probably, but they don’t really engage with us very much. They use the time to talk about themselves.

OP posts:
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