Three solid years of stress, how much is too much, can we come back from this?

[lucyellensmum]

For many reasons our relationship is under contstant strain; Bereavement, PND, but mostly financial. I have started lots of threads re the details and have pretty much been told its down to me. I accept that.

I do love DP dearly, we have been together 16 years on Friday. I have a 18 yo DD and DD is 2.9. DP adores his little girl. His relationship with DD1 is good too, although has had ups and downs (he is not her dad).

Because of all the stress (lets not focus on the cause here girls, i know its all my fault ok) We just bicker and argue all the time, this morning he told me he wanted to split up and he couldnt live his life like this, i wanted to tell him this bout couldn;t and wnen he said it i was devestated and afraid. Then he went on to talk like the conversation never happened. This is a regular occurance, "time to say goodbye" chat. Uts just words to him, he says he doesnt really mean it, but it hurts and how can i convince myself that deep down this isnt what he really wants.

Splitting up would be a nightmare, we have a lot of debt, i would probably have to leave as i have no way of paying the mortgage, he works from his garage alot of the time so him leaving isn't really an option. I honestly wonder if we are together because splitting would be too much effort . So financially it would be a lose lose situation.

He has mentioned, albeit in the heat of the moment that he would use the fact that i have anxiety/depression and im on ADs to take my DD away from me He certainly copes better with her than i do. I have no reason to live without her though, DD1 has already flown the nest.

I have told him not to stay in bed after putting DD to bed tonight because i want to talk. I can't go on like this, i will do anything for him, i want us to be together - honestly, we had a "perfect" relationship up until DD was born and as coincidence, everything went wrong. I lost my Dad and dont feel i have ever been allowed to grieve, its like he just was never here and when i cry about it, he says, why are you crying there is nothing you can do about it, hes dead . He is right i guess. He has not surfaced from the bedroom yet so probably fell asleep.

When other people are around it is like the pressure is off and we can enjoy each others company. DD1 came to the soft play with DD2 and it was nice, although DD2 spent over an hour tantruming for her sister when she left. So lots of stress at bedtime, i could see DP was close to losing his temper (he would of course never lose his temper with DD mind).

Can we turn this around, life is full of stress, its about being a grown up and having children. Its bloody hard. But i want to feel loved and valued, and right now i know that he resents me and if it was made easy for him, he would walk away. He tells me he loves me, i don't think he is lying or fobbing me off but i actually don't think he really does anymore - ive killed it all. I feel that we are limping on because of DD and because what we had before was so good. But how can we live for the past?

Im devestated and desperate - i know i should get a job, but i can't see that is a magic wand either.

Should i be strong and make a break, or what? I realise that i am actually trying to get him to love me, saying we should split would be a way of testing his love wouldnt it, because if he begged me to stay? Id know, wouldnt i???

I need help

You can turn it round if you love each other. stress will either make you team up or put more strain on you.

Why not ask how he thinks you could both change to work together as a team?

do you still love each other? have you just lost your way?
Is it worth going to relate and talking about where to go from here?
I think if you keep having "it's over" type convos, it will be putting you under much more strain.

IMO see if he is willing to go to relate with you.

I think you need some relationship counselling - both of you. 1st off I'd say buy you both a copy of this. They are only 6 quid for the two. Best buy ever.

He sounds like he would be up for it - like he's tired but doesn't want to call it quits. This, along with relate counselling if you decide to go that way, will giove you both a change to see what's gone wrong and if and how you want to fix it. Best of luck x

Also hon, maybe this one for you too as you do sound like you have self esteem issues

I have suggested counselling in the past, but he wont consider it. I have had counselling and have been told i suffer from low self esteem, but also that i am a spoilt brat. Was not actually told how i could combat it though.

i'm running out of energy - this was supposed to be a "nice" weekend "just the three of us" he said. So what did he want to do yesterday - visit his mother! Takes the pressure off being alone with me you see. He has definately fallen asleep upstairs, despite me hearing him get up to put DD in her cot, he has gone back to bed - so basically we get NO time alone, EVER

We bumped into an old and really good friend of his yesterday, whom he had not seen for over 15 years, id not met him - he didnt even introduce me Its like i wasn't there. The guy even asked, oh is this your otherhalf and little girl, but he just went on chatting about other stuff

I think you have hit the nail on the head, when you said that you don't spend any time together.

He has told you that he loves you. Believe him. He at least deserves that. Men are logcal and offer solutions to problems whereas women just want to talk to feel better. Maybe him saying lets leave, is a way of sorting out the problems you have.

Can your eldest daughter mind your baby while you go out together? I know money is tight, so how about a walk in the park? With a fish and chip supper? Or a packed lunch.

I think you have hit the nail on the head, when you said that you don't spend any time together.

He has told you that he loves you. Believe him. He at least deserves that. Men are logcal and offer solutions to problems whereas women just want to talk to feel better. Maybe him saying lets leave, is a way of sorting out the problems you have.

Can your eldest daughter mind your baby while you go out together? I know money is tight, so how about a walk in the park? With a fish and chip supper? Or a packed lunch.

And bereavement can take years to get over, unless you have been bereaved though it is really hard to understand how hard it is to cope with loss. Bereavement hits you like a wave, and when you least expect it.

Your husband probably hasn't had to deal with a bereavement-and being a man sees it as a problem to be solved-so him saying that you shouldnt really be crying, he isnt being mean or awful-just a man!

My mother could have DD, but i don't see he would go for it TBH. There is no reason why he is upstairs asleep now is there, hes not that tired, because he will come down when i go to bed and then come up about 2am.

I feel invisible, im lonely and spend all my time on MN because at least i feel like i am having a two way conversation. Even if i have to wait a while for the responses. He will be back at work tomorrow and the ironic thing will be that there will be lots of apologetic texts, on both sides, and lots of LoveU texts from him. But when he gets home it will be a fraught time of getting DD to bed after dinner, he will be late but DD will only have her daddy do bed time, then he will stay upstairs.

I would dearly love to have counselling for the pair of us, because then i feel he would have to listen to me. Then he can come back with his problems he has with me, and i could respond.

I said to him tonight when he bellowed down the stairs for a clean towel - Do you think you could at least speak to me in a kindly tone of voice, to which he answered, well if you weren't on that bloody computor, to which i thought, well if you were to recognise that i am actually alive!

Relationship counselling may well be your last chance - his last chance. It is not the same as other counselling. Just buy the books - don't emotionally blackmail him into reading them - you have enough time to take your time with this. Forcing the issue may only force a split.

He sounds like he just needs some time out - this isn't a bad thing though I know if you are in a needy frame of mind it can seem like a rejection - but it isn't.

You really do need to get your depression and self esteem sorted. Is there anything you can do to get out for yourself - a night class, some sort of self improvement where you can get out and take your mind off the relationship.

Try to get out of the blaming game. Try to be kinder. Less needy. Just you. See how he responds in the long term. These are life lessons not quick fixes.

What AD's are you on now? Do you take them regualy? Do you drink? Go on the wagon for a month, see how you feel then.

I know this all seems like a massive effort on your part and probably too much of an effort, but you don't have to do them all at once, just baby steps.

In cases like this love isn't enough - you both (but maybe you most of all if you are sufering from long term depression) need to take practical steps to trust and like each other again.

Pretending you aren't in crisis won't get you anywhere. You have to accept his feelings - not argue or rail against them. He is still there in spite of wanting to end it numerous times. He may still be there in 10 years time, but neither of you will be happy.

Do you just want him there or do you want to be happy? Him to be happy? Get the book. Recovery is slow so beware of false prophets, but do the work, mean it and you will become stronger - maybe stay together - and may even do so while making each other happy.

Read the book. No others. Just the Relate ones. They have the tried and tested experience you need.

He doesn't want to talk to you, that's not a big deal. He just wants his space. Give him it. Give him it gladly please. You cannot talk anyway when you are in such a state. Nothing good will come of it. You know this.

Do you think he may be depressed himself LEM? He is obviously under an enormous amount of pressure at the moment (and I'm not trying to put it all on you, please don't think that).

I've been in a similar place with DH, and as MT said, he did need space. It's very hard to give someone that when what is happening to them impacts on you too, and it can certainly feel like a rejection. But it wasn't. And we came through it.

Sweetie, you are feeling ery sorry for yourself at the mo - I've been there and I know it is very hard to actually be attentiove to a persoan like that, as if they are depressed all you are doing is induging the depression.

Many of your problems won't be his fault, but becasue he is your only focus he will inevitasbly get the blame. It can feel insufferable, and I'm guessing he's just trying to escape it not you. You need to rediscover yourself and assert that person over the needy self absorbed depressed doppleganger! I have been there, really I have, I know how hard it is.

You want everything to be alright now, and like you say tomorrow things will kind of calm down, but the same will happen again, again. Please buy those books. Tell him what you are doing and if he see's a positive change in you while you are reading them he might pick one up and then who knows what will be possible..?

I think he would very much like to run away from it all. I don't know if him saying he wants to split is because he wants to, or to keep me inline as it were. The sad thing is, i think the only reason i dont want the split is because i cannot believe that something that was honestly SO good can turn so sour and im also terrified of being alone (believe me when i say, no one else will want me, ever), also, how can i take DDs daddy away - maybe i should go??? Ive thought about this actually, he adores DD and would be a great dad and im pretty sure DD would be much happier, but im selfish, so i stay

maybe i have hit on something here actually, its made me feel lighter - i could leave, i could walk out of the door now, get on a train and see where i end up. There is some money in the draw, enough for say, a week - then i could get a job, get my head together - come back when im more deserving of my family.

MT you are right, self pity is my second name

Thats the thing though isn;t it. If i go and ask him to come down its a vicious circle, we will argue im sure of that, but if i don't, one could argue that im wallowing in self pity and the whole fact that he is fulfilling my prediction that he wouldnt come down??

You are catastrophsing hon, stop it now!

Calm down. Deep breath.

Have some hot choc. It will make you feel better honest.

I have to go to bed sorry. Take care.

I might go to bed too - dittany, he is a good man, he is just under tremendous stress too - I make it worse for him, so to expect to be swept of my feet by romance is a little much really.

LEM you really really need something to think about other than Your Relationship. You need either a part-time job (which would help with the finances too) or a hobby of some kind. If you get a part time job doing something like shelf-stacking in Siansburys, even, it will give you something to occupy your mind, new people to socialise with, and some cahs. At present you have got into a situation of total dependency on your DP to fix everything that is upsetting you, keep you mentally stimulated and pay you attention all the time, which is a lot to ask of anyone. You need to find some inner resources, for your own sake: it's not good to rely totally on other people.

No, you need space - you to calm down and him just to have that space. Space is good.

You are fantasising about running away - make no doubt that that will only make things worse for you. Face up to your problems, don't run away from them. I wallow in self pity sometimes, we all do - it can become a bad habit - you just need to break the habit. Please buy those books. Tell me you will buy them! Buy them now!!