Three solid years of stress, how much is too much, can we come back from this?

[lucyellensmum]

For many reasons our relationship is under contstant strain; Bereavement, PND, but mostly financial. I have started lots of threads re the details and have pretty much been told its down to me. I accept that.

I do love DP dearly, we have been together 16 years on Friday. I have a 18 yo DD and DD is 2.9. DP adores his little girl. His relationship with DD1 is good too, although has had ups and downs (he is not her dad).

Because of all the stress (lets not focus on the cause here girls, i know its all my fault ok) We just bicker and argue all the time, this morning he told me he wanted to split up and he couldnt live his life like this, i wanted to tell him this bout couldn;t and wnen he said it i was devestated and afraid. Then he went on to talk like the conversation never happened. This is a regular occurance, "time to say goodbye" chat. Uts just words to him, he says he doesnt really mean it, but it hurts and how can i convince myself that deep down this isnt what he really wants.

Splitting up would be a nightmare, we have a lot of debt, i would probably have to leave as i have no way of paying the mortgage, he works from his garage alot of the time so him leaving isn't really an option. I honestly wonder if we are together because splitting would be too much effort . So financially it would be a lose lose situation.

He has mentioned, albeit in the heat of the moment that he would use the fact that i have anxiety/depression and im on ADs to take my DD away from me He certainly copes better with her than i do. I have no reason to live without her though, DD1 has already flown the nest.

I have told him not to stay in bed after putting DD to bed tonight because i want to talk. I can't go on like this, i will do anything for him, i want us to be together - honestly, we had a "perfect" relationship up until DD was born and as coincidence, everything went wrong. I lost my Dad and dont feel i have ever been allowed to grieve, its like he just was never here and when i cry about it, he says, why are you crying there is nothing you can do about it, hes dead . He is right i guess. He has not surfaced from the bedroom yet so probably fell asleep.

When other people are around it is like the pressure is off and we can enjoy each others company. DD1 came to the soft play with DD2 and it was nice, although DD2 spent over an hour tantruming for her sister when she left. So lots of stress at bedtime, i could see DP was close to losing his temper (he would of course never lose his temper with DD mind).

Can we turn this around, life is full of stress, its about being a grown up and having children. Its bloody hard. But i want to feel loved and valued, and right now i know that he resents me and if it was made easy for him, he would walk away. He tells me he loves me, i don't think he is lying or fobbing me off but i actually don't think he really does anymore - ive killed it all. I feel that we are limping on because of DD and because what we had before was so good. But how can we live for the past?

Im devestated and desperate - i know i should get a job, but i can't see that is a magic wand either.

Should i be strong and make a break, or what? I realise that i am actually trying to get him to love me, saying we should split would be a way of testing his love wouldnt it, because if he begged me to stay? Id know, wouldnt i???

I need help

Come on now LEM.

He wants some space. It's not you.

And leaving would not be the right thing to do. Your dd - you know that.

You are both in a horrible situation, and sadly that doesn't make us nicer people, which is why he is being an arse.

Really - my DH is the loveliest of men, but sometimes he just needs to be left alone.

Thing is Dittany, I think it's pretty easy ot say things like that when all you are doing is sniping and lashing out - the aim is to hurt cos you've been hurt. They both feel like shit. I just have the feeling that more blaming isn't going to get them anywhere.

He DOES care about me, but i "get him down". Most people on here would agree with that comment and they only ever hear my side of the story.

Im trying to write him a letter,,,,,,,,,but i dont like the way it is going

If you're talking abotu spltting up custordy is an issue - a very thorny one. And the issue of LEM's psychologicval resourses are relevent too. She can only win by facing these issues.

They sound like they have been battling for a while now. I'm sure they have knocked hell out of each other emotionally, the blame game will only ensure things never get better though. They are both in this miserable realationshiop and that may have messed up both their expactations about what they deserve. No one is happy in a miserable realtionship.

LEM, please just go to sleep now. Buy those books FGS and don't try to communicate how you feel until you actually know how you feel. Until you can own it. Are you going to buy them?

Im not much of a one for self help books, but i am desperate, i'll try anything

LEM I've seen some of your previous threads but never posted because I didn't feel I had anything useful to say. IME stress and endless problems often bring out the worst in people, if you have big underlying worries all it takes is one little thing and next thing you know you're both shouting and saying horrible things and it all gets so ugh... I have been there so many times lately.

The only solution I've found, is to both apologise and mean it, then work together on solving the money issues etc. You have to sort of detach your emotions from it all, because at the mo it's not really you and him talking, it's the stress and the problems. It's a bit like if you're drunk, in a way, you say things you don't mean. I hope all this doesn't sound patronising or silly or whatever. I don't post very often!

These are RELATE books. They take you through the counselling process - what they do in situ - and you can then go for counselling to if you like. I agree most self help books are shite, but if you want to go to counselling and he does't (at least at the mo) then these are your best bet. Buy them and read them. Do not shirk this opportunity to help yourself, especially when it's so easy.

Depresesed people are terribly difficult to live with Dittany, and like SA says, the stress is bound to bring out the worst in you.

I know that from both perspectives too - so I also know that you can climb out of this hole LEM, but that most of the work you will have to do yourself. A lot of people stay there because it's too much hard work - with the obviouls consequenses. You owe this to yourself and your child and to your partner - but to yurself most of all. Buy the books. Read them. They are a first step. Make it

MT are you on commision ?? I will take a look, although i have to be honest, im not sure if we are ready for that.

Things are much brighter this morning - we have had a talk, in fact i wrote him a letter last night and he read it. He got very cross with me (again) becuase he says, and he is right, that i am creating these scenario in my head. He loves me and doesn't want me to leave. We had a cuddle, then went to bed.

I could get drawn into dittany's DP bashing, but you are right MT i am extremely hard to live with (almost impossible i reckon). Yes, he does things that wind me up sometimes, but doesn't everyone sometimes. I am very thankful that he does put up with me, that has to count for alot doesnt it

HE said he will come to the doctors with me this week

I'm just trying to help LEM. They helped me and DP when we were in a similar position. I know the circular nature of the misery you are both in. I think you are avoiding the issues that you need to address. Not reading the books is just another version fo that. There is only so much people can do to help before you begin to help yourself and reading a book is the least you can do.

i know you offering help MT and i'm very grateful, i was just teasing about the commision thing It can't hurt to have a read can it.....amazon here i come

I agree with Monkey that living with someone who has depression is so difficult for everybody, nit just the depressed person.A close member of my family, ( not husband) has been suffering with severe depression for about eight months now. Thankfully, they are on the mend and because of their age, there is lots of help available to them, counselling etc. Yes, their life is hard becauseof what they are going through, but trust me, EVERYBODY in the family, especially those of us in the same house, are also affected. Our life is also hard and there is an incredible strain on us. The person concerned does and says the most cruel things at times and even though we know it is the illness that causes it, it still hurts incredibly. And yes, tou our shame, there are times when we do retaliate. We feel terrible when it happens, but sometimes we feel as though there is so much help and support for the person concerned, but none for us and it is so hard for us to cope with at times. Thankfully, we are strong together, because otherwise I can understand that some partnerships would not survive and we do get a certain amount of moral support from some of the extended family. The most difficult thing though, is to persuade some people that depression is not something that the sufferer can just choose to 'snap out of' and that it is a genuine illness. I don't condone the hurtful things that LEM husband says and does, but as a family currently going through it, I can certainly understand and empathise with him.
I do not think it is right to criticise either partner in LEMs relationship, they are both struggling and they BOTH need help and support.

thanyou for that post didnthink. I hope things get better for your family soon.

It IS difficult for DP, once i get on this spiral of self pity its almost impossible for him, that and having to deal with a two year old is really tough as we really can't have an adult conversation when she is around, its just not possible. So the resentment builds up and by the time bedtime comes we are too knackered to do anything other than snipe at each other.

Sex??? What is that?

And yes, he says bad things sometimes, but only in retaliation for the EVIL things i say to him

Thanks LEM, I am really only trying to help and know that the books will help you if you read them. It might be the beginning of the rest of your lives together as really, hoping for the best just won't cut it at this stage. And they are so cheap there reallty isn't a reason not to give them a go.

I know you mean well dittany, but my DP IS a good man. The problem is, i get into a cyle of self pity and end up posting things he has said, possibly out of context. He has never stopped me from greiving for my dad - i do i feel as i havent been able to greive and he doesnt know what to do when i cry - but its not his fault, like you say, until you have been there, you just don't know. My DP knows i am a good mother and would never take my DD away - these things are said in the heat of the moment. What he has to put up with me is an awulf lot of self loathing and he struggles to understand it - i defy anyone to not let it get them down.

Im having an OK day today and things much more in perspective. I have got my head around the finances and in the near future, we are sorted so maybe he wont have to give up the business after all, although he accpts that he needs to make changes. HAving me harping on at him about how shit it is, is NOT productive.

DP is not perfect, but he certainly is not an abusive man. We lean on each other, lately ive not been there for him. Its not just a case of being demanding, its also not being there for the other person - im not blaming myself actually, i am not well and sometimes it takes over, but he needs me to be there for him too, sometimes.

I am going book shopping

He said no to me going for that other job, because he knew it wasn;t what i wanted. Not ;because he wanted to keep me at home as the little woman (if you knew me you would realise how funny that is!). He would much rather me get a job if im honest.

As for him enjoying the financial ups and downs????? ROTFL And, he and I both come from very stable backgrounds, very similar parents actually when i think about it - oh er, tahts spooky

Great LEM. Not sure where you can get the Relate guides except on amazon or from their offices, but good on you for seeing things a bit more in perspective today. You'll find a lot more positive and useul advice in them though and the great thing is we all know Relate has the benefit of decades of experience so it's not just some quack counsellors.