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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My lovely Mum said something really hurtful and we haven't spoken since

29 replies

Pendulum · 01/06/2008 21:10

We live hundreds of miles apart and only see each other every couple of months. She is a great mum and grandmother and or relationship is very harmonious.

I am due to return to work after my second mat leave. I am going back both because we need the money and because I enjoy it, although I will never stop feeling guilty about it and Mum knows this. DH and I have both secured P/T arrangements and have been busting a gut to find the best childcare for the DCs. Mum was an SAHM and never had a career. It has been an awkward subject between us (as I know she believes deep down I should be at home) but until now we have managed to gloss over it.

Two days ago we were having a conv about DH's new work role and my return to work when she suddenly said "Poor children" (I can't remember what exactly I said to trigger this.) I was stunned and she instantly began apologising, then started to cry. We managed to end the conversation civilly but have not been in touch since and I don't know what to do now.

I don't know what she meant by the comment (i.e. is her real opinion as bad as it sounds). I am feeling quite vulnerable to the guilts as I have to start my DD's settling in sessions this week and I'm not sure I am emotionally up to a big dissection of her disapproval. Also, I don't know where that conversation might end up. But on the other hand I may be attributing thoughts to her that she doesn't have and blowing the comment out of proportion. We are a very non-confrontational family and I have no experience of dealing with this kind of thing, especially at a distance on the phone.

Does it sound as if I am over-reacting? Surely she should be calling me to smooth this over? Does anyone have any advice on how I might handle this?

OP posts:

AllieBongo · 01/06/2008 21:13

I'm not sure what to suggest. My mum is fantastic and I love her dearly, but she sometimes has the tendency to speak before she engages her brain. The fact that she immediately apologised and was so upset shows that she cares. She's probably just too upset and embarrassed to call. If you want to clear the air, rather than stewing and worrying, pick up the phone and talk to her. It's not worth falling out over one incident. Just let her know why you were hurt. hth

harpsichordcarrier · 01/06/2008 21:15

oh bless you both
I can see how the comment may have been very hurtful for you but she also sounds genuinely upset about it. maybe she feels guilty she can't help, or can't help you with the money? maybe it is hard for her to imagine what it must be like for you. anyway, whether or not she disapproves is by the by. it is your choice.
you say she should be calling, but why shouldn't you be calling? she has apologised immediately. can't you go and see her?
honestly, don't let this become a rift between you. she is your mother. explain to her your situation and ask for her support. even if she does think "poor children" she is allowed to think that and also - poor Pendulum.

peggotty · 01/06/2008 21:17

Well, she did immediately apologise at the time and even cried as well, so you should take it that she regrets what she said. Also, it's only been 2 days, would you have normally spoken to her before now. Do you think your mum is even aware there is a problem?

AllieBongo · 01/06/2008 21:19

my mil was a little like this. things were different when her dc's were little, she didn't have to work. I think sometimes, unless people have had to work, they just don't get it. You must feel awful. I've got a knot in my tummy on your behalf..

ravenAK · 01/06/2008 21:21

I'd just leave it.

She knows her comment was inappropriate & unhelpful, which is why she apologised.

You know her views on WOHMs, & you also know that you & dh have discussed the options & agreed the best plan for your family.

I think there's a lot to be said for 'glossing over' it, really. As you say, if you do have the convo you don't know where it might end up. What's the point? She's unlikely to change her opinion & you're presumably not going to change your plans - it's just going to intensify your guilts & probably upset you both.

Try to put it out of your mind...

tribpot · 01/06/2008 21:21

I would write her a letter, just explaining how her comment upset you when you are (as, god knows, we all are) conflicted about trying to balance your roles as a worker and a mother.

Both you and DH are clearly doing everything you can to find an equitable situation with regards to work and childcare, and your dc wwill benefit immeasurably from time with you both. If you wanted to (and I'm sure you don't) you could argue your arrangement is better, because of that. But it doesn't really matter about 'better', it only matters if it is the right solution for you as a family. My family is hopelessly non-standard and all I can say is: it's not the norm but it's what we can do.

Eebs · 01/06/2008 21:22

Oh mothers and daughters - so great and so hard. I've had such weird and frusrating conversations with my mum since having my dd. How you react in a situation like this may be how your mum does. So you end up in a situation where you don't know how to make a move and neither does she. Make a move - ring her and be honest. It may not make everything perfect but maybe that is not always possible. If your mum has different values in this situation it will be down to age, experience etc. Your mum has not had a career and so cannot put herself in your position. Neither of you may agree with the others opinion on this matter but that doesn't mean you can't live around it. Ring your mum, I think Grandparents are always worrying about getting their role wrong. Good luck

berolina · 01/06/2008 21:23

I really, really feel for you and do not think you're overreacting. I have never completely forgiven a good friend (she would say we are very close and is very keen to be a big presence in my life, but I can no longer feel quite the same) for saying that WOHM 'aren't mothers', then exempting me because I was not WOTH by choice.

I would talk to her - explain how hurtful you found what she said, that you currently do not feel up to listening to her disapproval if she feels it, and you would just like to feel supported by her in the choices/necessities of your life.

paperdoll · 01/06/2008 21:24

It sounds as though she wasn't being malicious, just let a thoughtless and unintentionally hurtful remark slip out. (I'm assuming she started to cry because she realized she had upset you - is that what you think it was?)

If it is looming large in your mind and you can't stop thinking about it, I would ring her. Nothing to be gained from stewing and thinking she should be the one to ring. Just say, look, I know you didn't mean to be hurtful but I found what you said really upsetting, and I just need to let you know that because otherwise I won't be able to stop thinking about it and get on with everything else.

If you really feel that you can agree to disagree as long as she is able to avoid making hurtful remarks, then that will hopefully be enough, as long as she is willing to hear you and acknowledge your hurt feelings.

But if you feel that actually you can't live with her feeling the way she does, even if she keeps a lid on it, then you and she will need to spend longer working on that, I'm afraid.

Meanwhile ... whenever you feel it blowing up to fill your head space, take a deep breath and try to calmly talk yourself down a bit and regain a sense of perspective. I know it's easier said than done but you owe it to yourself to have a go! She may be your mum but her opinions don't have to define you, and there is no rule that says mothers and daughters must always agree; so it is not the end of the world.

Hope that helps. I have a history of being thrown to the depths of despair by mean things my mum says, so I know how hard it can be to just let it be water off a duck's back (pardon the cliche). Good luck x

Original poster

Pendulum · 01/06/2008 21:24

thanks for messages

I would love to go and see her, but she is a plane journey away.

Knowing her, I think she is probably stewing just as much as I am. I do feel quite angry that she could say something so undermining just as I am about to go back to work and need her support, so not sure what I would say to her if I initiated contact.

If she was an irritating mother type with a habit of insensitive comments I would find this easier, but she is usually so measured. I think that's what has freaked me out, how strongly must she feel about this for her to slip up like that. Ridiculous that her approval of my life choices and circumstances should be so important to me.

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 01/06/2008 21:26

no, it isn't ridiculous at all pendulum, I know you could really do with her support and no doubt she will give it but - I know this is hard as hell - she is a separate person and entitled to her own opinions and her own worries.
she needs to accept your choices and you need to accept her feelings
and move on

MsDemeanor · 01/06/2008 21:29

I think you should just phone her and say, 'Hi mum, what are you up to? Guess what ds did today! It's raining a lot here, how's it where you are' and basically forget it.
I think grandparents often love their grandchildren in a much more, well, unihibited way than we love our kids. We have to be tough and controlled, and they are just all soppiness and emotion. It's not personal.

tribpot · 01/06/2008 21:30

not ridiculous at all. As we become mothers (I know this is your second time but still) the opinions and beliefs of our mothers become all the more significant and value-laden. What can we do? We have a role model, like it or not, and to deviate from that, like it or not, is to cause guilt and pain. I do think you need to face it head on, and just have 'the conversation'. She is entitled to her views but so is my mother, who gave up a career to raise children. 'Fortunately' for me I have no choice but to work because DH is too ill to work, but my conversation with her would probably be similar if not for that. I can't be not damaging ds by working cos DH is ill but am damaging him by working if he isn't. If you see what I mean.

stleger · 01/06/2008 21:39

Give her a call, have a chat. I'd do anything to be able to argue and make up with my mother...she died before I had children. Just do what it takes to resume good relations.

Original poster

Pendulum · 01/06/2008 21:43

Some very interesting points for me to think about here. So glad I posted, DH could not for the life of him understand why I am upset and I knew it wasn't something I could explain to him!

harpsi, I think you're right that she partly feels bad about not being able to help with childcare, being so far away. I also agree with posters that say she is from a generation that cannot understand the circumstances facing families today.

I also wonder if the 'glossing over' has led her to misunderstand how conflicted I always feel- I am quite proud of the arrangements we have come up with and want her to feel confident about them so have probably presented them to her in a positive, matter-of-fact way. Maybe I should do a bit more wailing and hand-wringing so she can see I am not 100% comfortable!

Still not sure whether to call or not. Maybe a short note would be best, to avoid a tearful phone call. But also see the point of posters saying to just let it drop.

OP posts:

LittlePeanut · 01/06/2008 21:45

I would incline more towards ignoring what was said, and moving on. Only because I would be worried that if you try to discuss it in any depth it may be "opening a can of worms". Your mum obviously has strong feelings on the matter, and so do you. You are unlikely to change each other's minds.

Your mum knows that she shouldn't have said what she did, and that she should just show you support. This is why she apologised and got upset. I don't think she'll slip up again.

I am speaking as someone in a very similar situation. I know that my mum quietly wishes I was a SAHM. We just don't ever discuss it though. We get on fabulously, and she looks after my DD 2 days a week. I think she feels that I am missing out. She manages to keep it all in though, which is just as well because we will never agree on the subject.

Bink · 01/06/2008 21:53

Pendulum, you and your mum both sound lovely.

I think all that is needed is for you to drop her a line (a card?) saying how much you love her and how you appreciate her support (because it's only when she let that comment slip that you can see how hard she is trying, the rest of the time). Actually some flowers would be best of all - you can get those delivered to her a plane ride away! She needs to know that you aren't thinking "offended"; and once you clear the air I think she is likely to appreciate & support you all the more.

LittlePeanut · 01/06/2008 21:58

I think the flowers idea is perfect. I agree, you and your mum both sound so lovely. Please make up quick!

suedonim · 01/06/2008 22:12

Please make up with your mum asap, esp as she's apologised. I feel I must say this because of a recent event with one of dd's friends. He'd had an argument with his mum about homework versus the cinema. Then the mum suddenly collapsed & died while he was at school next day. The poor lad is only 14 and in a terrible state. So call your mum, she'll love you for it.

Original poster

Pendulum · 01/06/2008 22:12

stleger, I'm so sorry about your mum. You must miss her terribly.

The thought has crossed my mind, that it is just this type of thing that festers in some families until it is too late. I've no intention of letting that happen, don't worry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pendulum · 01/06/2008 22:17

going to bed now but thanks again for all the advice (and kind comments) this evening.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 01/06/2008 22:18

I have had similar instances with my (generally lovely) mum. When I had just gone back to work she used to say to me regularly - "oh poor DS do you htink he misses you"

It used to really upset me but i didn't show her that.

I finally cracked and said something to her along the lines of "if you're trying to make me feel worse than I already do then congratulations you've succeeded".

Things were a little strained for a week but she never mentioned it again.

chutneymary · 01/06/2008 22:31

We're very British in my family too = if one of us upsets another one, then the next time we speak on the phone it just curiously isn't mentioned. Not very good for us, I don't think, but the way it's always been.

There have been times when I have felt livid with my mum about things she has said, esp about my prowess or lack thereof in the mothering stakes. The best one was when I left DD (with DH) for 2 nigths to go to Spain on a hen weekend. DD was 11 months, DH very capable. I had a round of "poor little thing" and "I could never have left you" before she came out with the fact that she didn't approve. I said that we'd have to disagree, she said she was too upset to continue the conversation and we hung up. 2 days later, I rang her and it's not been mentioned since. She's 3 now.

It may be that your mother doesn't agree with what you're doing, but you have to make the decision which is best for you. Guilt is all part of the mother's lot in life I think. Settling is always pants, but they soon get used to it. If I were you, I'd phone and be normal and cheery, and only discuss if she does. Least said etc.

Oh, and my DH went to Japan for 5 days when DD was but 10 weeks old and received nothing but praise from all quarters. I think there is one rule for men and another for women sometimes with more traditional parents. Sorry you are upset but am sure you will soon feel perkier.

All the best.

chutneymary · 01/06/2008 22:31

All the best.

MissDelighted · 01/06/2008 22:40

Definately ring her, it's not about who should call who first if there's something that needs dealing with effectively, plus you will retain the moral high ground by calling her first as you are being the bigger person about it. Also it is incredibly empowering as you are showing you are in control and are acting decisively.

Perhaps you could clear the air initially by saying something like "I know we have different opinions on what is best for the DCs and maybe it's better if we agree to respect each other's right to an opinion and leave it there, as you are a lovely mum and grandma and I don't want to fall out with you".

Probably not helpful to get back into the actual topic of working/not working itself but by acknowledging that something has happened that has made you both feel uncomfortable, it isn't "that which must not be mentioned", which would be worse in the long term.

Then have something pleasant ready to continue the conversation with, perhaps something funny the DCs have said or done that day? Good luck and hope you sort it out very soon

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