My lovely Mum said something really hurtful and we haven't spoken since

[Pendulum]

We live hundreds of miles apart and only see each other every couple of months. She is a great mum and grandmother and or relationship is very harmonious.

I am due to return to work after my second mat leave. I am going back both because we need the money and because I enjoy it, although I will never stop feeling guilty about it and Mum knows this. DH and I have both secured P/T arrangements and have been busting a gut to find the best childcare for the DCs. Mum was an SAHM and never had a career. It has been an awkward subject between us (as I know she believes deep down I should be at home) but until now we have managed to gloss over it.

Two days ago we were having a conv about DH's new work role and my return to work when she suddenly said "Poor children" (I can't remember what exactly I said to trigger this.) I was stunned and she instantly began apologising, then started to cry. We managed to end the conversation civilly but have not been in touch since and I don't know what to do now.

I don't know what she meant by the comment (i.e. is her real opinion as bad as it sounds). I am feeling quite vulnerable to the guilts as I have to start my DD's settling in sessions this week and I'm not sure I am emotionally up to a big dissection of her disapproval. Also, I don't know where that conversation might end up. But on the other hand I may be attributing thoughts to her that she doesn't have and blowing the comment out of proportion. We are a very non-confrontational family and I have no experience of dealing with this kind of thing, especially at a distance on the phone.

Does it sound as if I am over-reacting? Surely she should be calling me to smooth this over? Does anyone have any advice on how I might handle this?

chutneymary and kewcumber- what difficult words toi hear from your mothers. This must be more common than I thought.

MissDelighted, some very good practical advice, especially re: the amusing follow up anecdote. D you have experience of this by any chance....!

Hello Pendulum!

Yes, my own mother is extremely loving and helpful but also manipulative and interfering. I have learned to be assertive over the years as by nature I am passive and she is agressive (as it were) added to which she is a total drama queen and very partial to flouncing.

I have found personally that tackling the issue gently but firmly and on your own terms (hence it strangely works better if you ring her as you will be prepared with everything you want to say) is awkward short-term but is best for the long-term. Ultimately your mum did what she thought best for you back in the day, and now you are doing the same for your DC's - and are doing it your way.

You both sound lovely and I'm sure you will sort it out quickly.

Poor your mum, and poor you.

Definitely ring her, it'll just get bigger and bigger in her mind the longer you're silent. Just tell her gently and kindly that you're never going to agree on this and that you're doing the very best you can to do what works for your family. Then move on to other, more pleasant topics.

LOL I think my mum and my children are in cahoots.

Today is DD2's first settling in session with our lovely CM.

DD1 (4 YO) asked this morning, "What are we doing today Mummy?"

Me: "Well you're going to pre-school and X is going to look after DD2, isn't that exciting?"

[Pause]

DD2: "But DD2 wants YOU to look after her, Mummy!"

Aaaaaargh. I am off to flagellate myself.