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Original poster

Inappropriate chemistry

35 replies

Confusedgorz · 09/09/2025 22:30

Mumsnetters,
Have you ever felt total utter lust for someone who is inappropriate and unobtainable?
I have a partner who I love - we have been together 20 years. We have a good sex life, share children and I love him very much.
Recently I crossed paths with someone who I felt a strong connection and chemistry with and it has left me so confused. I feel giddy around them and the desire is so strong.
I don't know if they feel the same , and don't think they do.
I don't want to ruin my relationship but has anyone ever been in this situation before? I've heard of twin flame stuff. I've never experienced this before and am in my 40s.
Please don't judge me - I'm trying to be honourable and not act on it but my head is in a spin.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Shhhhitsmagic · 09/09/2025 22:51

Can you avoid them until it passes? It doesn't mean anything, it's just chemicals.
I had this uncontrollable magnetic chemistry with someone (when I was single). We dated for a few months and by the end of it he turned out to be an absolute dick.
Don't do anything stupid!

LaurenBacallMe · 09/09/2025 22:59

If you are the person that I am currently secretly madly in love with then yes I absolutely do feel the same! 😉

In all seriousness, yep been there many, many times and it sucks. You just have to wait it out, don't communicate any more than is strictly necessary, avoid being alone with them and absolutely do not get drunk around them!

phase2onwards · 10/09/2025 06:30

How old are you? My perimenopause hormones have had me all over the place with crushes like you describe. Not very helpful and not a pleasant experience.
Please don’t act on it and try and avoid your crush

SoManyDandelions · 10/09/2025 06:57

Yes I have been there!
I never had any intention of acting on it, so just enjoyed it for what it was - a crush, probably brought on by mid life hormone changes. It's been a few years now and I hardly ever see the guy, but still enjoy chatting to him if our paths cross.

Original poster
Confusedgorz · 10/09/2025 18:37

Thank you for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. I think it was just nice to feel that spark again but I know I can't act on it and wouldn't want to hurt my husband or kids. I think I just needed to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation 😊

OP posts:
Didimum · 10/09/2025 18:49

The most crucial thing to remember is that while you may not be able to control your feelings, you are in control of how you act on them.

Lust is cheap and transient. It’s not worth it.

SoManyDandelions · 10/09/2025 19:21

It is nice to feel a spark and that rush of OMG desire. I still fancy DH, but don't always feel filled with lust at the very sight of him, like I did in the early days. It's normal in a long relationship for those intense feelings to level off. I just kept reminding myself that DH and I have more than lust. We have 20 years' worth of love and support; we have a wonderful family; we know each other better than anyone else. I wouldn't throw that away.

Mumlaplomb · 10/09/2025 19:24

It’s likely peri hormones OP, it will pass !

NormasArse · 10/09/2025 19:25

I was like a teenager during peri.

Sodthesystem · 10/09/2025 19:27

All very well saying to wait it out but I've seen unrequited crushes last years.

I'd actually say to lean into it, the more you see him the more likely he is to do something that'll completely give you the ick. Otherwise, it'll be pining for a long time. I'd rather enjoy the crush tbh.

Xmasbows · 10/09/2025 19:33

If it’s inappropriate then do not lean into it. Lean as far out as possible before you make a fool of yourself!

BuzzYourGirlfriendWooof · 10/09/2025 19:35

Yes, experiencing something similar at present; a dad at my children’s school who is definitely separated….we have insane chemistry. I used to wonder if it was in my head, but he’s recently started to initiate greetings when we see each other, and our children aren’t the same ages, so it’s not necessary for him to do so.

It’s hard because I’m not overly happy with DH who is pretty useless at home & lets me deal with all the mental load (I know that’s a loathed expression on MN, but it’s definitely a thing) and it’s completely eroded my feelings for him. I know the wrong thing is to look elsewhere, and I won’t act on it, but it’s a nice distraction.

whitewineandsun · 10/09/2025 19:36

Don't lean into it - especially not believing this twin flame nonsense. Netflix and Amazon have documentaries you should check out on that before you let yourself ruin a good relationship.

Never2many · 10/09/2025 19:47

If you have a good relationship and you don’t want to end it then you do nothing.

I don’t necessarily buy into the notion that it’s “just a crush,”. It is possible after all to develop feelings for someone else. And developing feelings for someone else can mean that there are issues in your relationship.

But your action should be to look at the relationship before you embark on anything else.

I am currently where you are, and tbh my relationship has been in question for a couple of years. Nobody has done anything wrong, it’s just run its course and I don’t feel the same any more.

I’m not about to throw myself at the man I’ve developed feelings for. He’s not available and breaking up someone else’s marriage isn’t my style.

But developing feelings for someone else has made me realise that I do need to do something about my existing relationship, even if that means being on my own.

I haven’t done anything about it before because I don’t want to hurt him, but I realise that he deserves better, and it doesn’t need an affair to make that happen, in fact it’s better that it happens before I end up with feelings for someone who may well be available.

So while I still think you should do nothing about this man, I would urge you to look at your existing relationship to see if this is still what you want, and if it is, whether there’s anything which needs changing to make it right again.

Itsnottheheatitsthehumidity · 10/09/2025 20:03

Oh heavens yes. He was there when I was going through some tough shit and I was bonkers about him for a while. We were colleagues. I still think about him occasionally (like, now) but we no longer work together and it’s very much for the best. Both of us were married at the time. I believe he still is (the work grapevine tends to be reliable) but I’m not. Not because of this experience, though it didn’t help, but because some of the shit I was going through was my exH’s fault.

travailtotravel · 10/09/2025 20:04

Yeah. I have this. Sorry but its 2 years in and the feelings are as strong.

Sholts · 10/09/2025 20:08

BuzzYourGirlfriendWooof · 10/09/2025 19:35

Yes, experiencing something similar at present; a dad at my children’s school who is definitely separated….we have insane chemistry. I used to wonder if it was in my head, but he’s recently started to initiate greetings when we see each other, and our children aren’t the same ages, so it’s not necessary for him to do so.

It’s hard because I’m not overly happy with DH who is pretty useless at home & lets me deal with all the mental load (I know that’s a loathed expression on MN, but it’s definitely a thing) and it’s completely eroded my feelings for him. I know the wrong thing is to look elsewhere, and I won’t act on it, but it’s a nice distraction.

And the guy is separated - probably for a reason! Maybe he didnt meet the needs of his wife either.

Verydemure · 10/09/2025 20:10

It’s peri menopause. It will pass and you’ll wonder what the fuss was about

myblueskirt · 10/09/2025 20:22

I read these posts with interest as I never felt this so-called lust for anyone. I have had fleeting crushes but it always seems one-sided. I feel DH and I have a relationship built on other factors but it was never this.

BirdIsland · 10/09/2025 21:11

Definitely perimenopause, your body’s last attempt to procreate! Doesn’t make it feel any less real, but if you see it for what it is (literally chemistry) then it might help take the heat out.

ChersHandbag · 10/09/2025 21:14

Ah yes, my twin flame. I was early 40s too. I felt like our lust was causing the storms in the sky and I’d barely close the door before we were at it in the hallway.

Fast forward a few years and nobody’s happy now OP, nobody.

Passtheduchess · 10/09/2025 21:17

what Chershandbag said. With bells on. Its peri, acting on it will ruin your life, and in my case your sanity. Please don’t act on it.

Never2many · 10/09/2025 23:01

Sholts · 10/09/2025 20:08

And the guy is separated - probably for a reason! Maybe he didnt meet the needs of his wife either.

Show quote history

So what do you think the wife did wrong then? Because maybe the wife is separated for a reason?

Seriously why is it people only say this about men?

Blueyisnotreal · 11/09/2025 06:55

Confusedgorz · 09/09/2025 22:30

Mumsnetters,
Have you ever felt total utter lust for someone who is inappropriate and unobtainable?
I have a partner who I love - we have been together 20 years. We have a good sex life, share children and I love him very much.
Recently I crossed paths with someone who I felt a strong connection and chemistry with and it has left me so confused. I feel giddy around them and the desire is so strong.
I don't know if they feel the same , and don't think they do.
I don't want to ruin my relationship but has anyone ever been in this situation before? I've heard of twin flame stuff. I've never experienced this before and am in my 40s.
Please don't judge me - I'm trying to be honourable and not act on it but my head is in a spin.
Thanks for reading

Hi Op. I’ve been in exactly the same situation as you. Partner of 20 years, early 40s.

Crush was a supportive colleague who I only saw the best of at work. It was exciting and told me he had feelings about me which made me feel wanted and alive.

I never acted on it but the thoughts were overwhelming and consuming. I would literally be thinking of scenarios 24/7 , it was a pure chemical / physical reaction.

I ended up leaving my work , not just because of him but I wasn’t having the best time there anyway. The space between us grew and that definitely helped.

I had a few months where we would message back and forth, and all it did was stir the fire. I ended up being distracted and mentally it took me away from my partner and children.

One day my partner sadly asked me what was wrong as I seemed so different. I ended up telling him everything.

He asked me to block the colleague and to see how I feel. He’s been amazing and supportive which I did not expect and made me realise what a fool I’ve been.

In my opinion, the more you feed the thoughts about the crush, the more it takes you away from the important things, your partner, your children, your life. It’s very likely to be perimenopause, and these feelings never last. Even if you made a go of it with your crush, those feelings would subside over time.

I hardly think about the crush now, and I’m utterly appalled of how I used to think about him. At one point I was ready to risk it all - I didn’t know him at all, not really!

As humans we crave connection with others, it’s a natural thing. But don't let it rule your thoughts and distract yourself as much as possible. And try and find icks about your crush, imagine them on the toilet for example!!!

Netcurtainnelly · 11/09/2025 13:20

Limerance.comes and goes.