If I ask for police help to leave my husband, would they arrest him?

[autumnleavesandapplepie]

I'm planning to leave my abusive, coercive husband after a long and miserable time with him.
I'm not sure how to leave safely. I'm not expecting him to turn violent but I know he'll get verbally abusive and verbally aggressive when I drop the bombshell I'm leaving. He'll try to manipulate me into staying, as he's done before. Enough is enough this time. I've made the decision I want out.

I'm physically a lot smaller and weaker than him and have no family/friends in the area.

Can I approach the police and ask for them to "accompany" me to tell him? Or maybe ask them to "wait outside"? Just in case he turns nasty.

I don't particularly want him arrested, I just want to leave him and be rid. If the police become aware I'm leaving because of his coercive control and mental abuse, would they arrest him even if I don't ask for this?

Should have included that I'm planning to gradually move my personal items out of the house and hire a storage unit.

Can you get organised secretly and then leave when he is out/at work?

I’m not sure that would work. Is there any way you could simply leave while he is out? Do you have somewhere to go?

Why do you think it's a good idea to tell him personally?
If you fear that police involvement will be neccessary, then maybe the idea of telling him face to face is ridicuous.

Why not move your things out when he's at work, leave a letter behind and tell him he'll be hearing from your sollicitor. Then block him on every channel.

I would talk to women's aid as they will have some centres for you to go to if you need.
Def tell the police as they should be aware and will keep an eye. Not sure about accompanying you but they won't arrest him unless he does something wrong

I would ask Women's Aid for advice here.

Rather than police, I’d go with a couple of friends and their partners, male and female

Any children involved?

I would hire the storage unit before you tell him and start moving your small important stuff first. Things like paper work, photos, passports. I have heard of many people taking revenge by destroying items that were important to a person who left them. If you already think he is nasty,you should probably assume he will run true to type. Alternatively if you have some friends or family who would help you, tell your husband and have a moving van and friends ready at that moment to help you load your stuff and leave. Then make sure you photograph everything you take and leave so you have evidence if he accuses you later on of stealing etc

Don't tell him, just leave.

I don't think the police will agree to be with you when you tell him. I think they'll say, "ring us if he becomes agressive and we will come out".

If you absolutely insist on telling him face to face (which is bizzare under the circumstances) then have a friend, preferably male, with you (or relative).

No friends or relatives? PM me and I'll do it if you're not too far away. I won't stand for any nonsense.

No, the police used to sometimes do that many years ago to prevent a breach of the peace.

I genuinely can’t see them ever having the time or resources to do that again.

Could you try a local security company perhaps?

You owe him nothing and he is not open to reason, so I would forget telling him in person. I agree with others: leave when he is not in and contact Women's aid.

Don't tell him, just leave.

Agree with speaking to woman’s aid.
i know people have got places in refuges and lives there when their partner/husband is out to they are in a place of safety and unknown location.

Well done for making the step to leave.

Same. I'm in the Bucks/Berks/NW London area OP. If you think he's less likely to be abusive with witnesses around, I'm sure there are plenty of us that will come and stand with you/help you carry things out.

Maybe call 101 and ask for advice and see what they say. They might offer help. You don't know until you ask!

Otherwise, I agree with PP comments of just do whatever you can to get away without telling him until after you're gone. If you need help with furniture, find yourself a decent man with a van. Preferably someone tall and muscly. I bet he won't say anything then!

If you both work, just schedule a day off without him knowing and the second he leaves you empty your house of your own belongings. Pack them in a car or hire a man and van. The day before you write him a letter and post the exact same letter , at the same time to yourself by recorded delivery to another address and also to him. Specially say you don’t want ANY contact with him at all, across any platform. Keep the postal receipt. Then leave.

if he contacts you, you go to the police as he has already had notice that you want zero contact.

I would take advice for a women’s shelter about the mechanics of this. But as far as I understand it the Police wouldn’t arrest your husband on suspicion of DV if you didn’t want to press charges.

Why tell him you're going? Just get organised on the qt and then go.

I wouldn't tell him you're leaving, I'd put valuables and paperwork somewhere safe for now, in stroage, at the bsnk, with fsmily or friends, then leave with basics when's he's out, you can ask friends or the police to accompany you when you go back to collect the rest. Keep all communication through s 3rd party and don't tell him where you've moved to.

I just would not tell him face to face.
Get all your stuff you want out before hand . If you can.
And then anything that needs sorting financially/house and such. Do over email maybe?

And tell him you have gone by txt msg or phone call .

Make sure you get copies of bank accounts, passports, marriage and birth certificates, utility bills, anything in your name.

We don't "press charges" in the UK.

Whether a charge is made is up to the police and their assessment of a situation and the evidence available to them.

They should be able to assess risk though and a big factor in helping someone leave an abusive situation is to reduce risk.

It’s up to the CPS, with information passed on by the police. And @vincettenoirhas a point - if the OP doesn’t support a prosecution, then the CPS may decide not to prosecute.

During covid, the police agreed to do this for my friend although in the end it wasn't necessary and it was a few years ago now.

Before you drop the bombshell, smuggle out important documents and keep them somewhere safe as well as anything irreplaceable to you. Make sure you have copies of all financial documents and account details, mortgages, life insurance, pensions, etc or if safe to do so take the originals.

If I were your friend, even if not close, I would travel to be near you and offer in person support.

WomensAid is a good shout, another very helpful one not usually mentioned here is Refuge, there is advice on both websites about making plans to leave and how to do so safely.

I'd also urge you to contact https://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

They will arrange a non molestation (restraining) order for you, and your husband won't need to know anything about it until its served. Make sure it includes powers of arrest and that you request they hide/don't display any of your new contact details or address.

The powers of arrest mean the police can arrest him if he breaches it, otherwise its pretty toothless and hiding your new contact details is for your ongoing protection against harassment & worse.

You might feel frightened about his reaction when he finds out he's been served with a non-mol order. I mentioned this to NCDV when I went through the process & they explained that actually many men backed off because they'd admit to the behaviour documented. To my surprise, I found this to be true myself.

It might also be worth speaking to a solicitor for advice about having access to marital finances once in advance and also when you tell him.

Please do share with at least one trusted person who can support you.

Having a second secret phone is helpful if you can keep it safely out of the house. You could WhatsApp photos to yourself of any documents and have important and emergency support contacts stored.

Is it your house and is it mortgaged? If so don’t leave. Take out a non molestation order and get a right of occupation. Make him leave.