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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If I ask for police help to leave my husband, would they arrest him?

36 replies

autumnleavesandapplepie · 09/09/2025 15:29

I'm planning to leave my abusive, coercive husband after a long and miserable time with him.
I'm not sure how to leave safely. I'm not expecting him to turn violent but I know he'll get verbally abusive and verbally aggressive when I drop the bombshell I'm leaving. He'll try to manipulate me into staying, as he's done before. Enough is enough this time. I've made the decision I want out.

I'm physically a lot smaller and weaker than him and have no family/friends in the area.

Can I approach the police and ask for them to "accompany" me to tell him? Or maybe ask them to "wait outside"? Just in case he turns nasty.

I don't particularly want him arrested, I just want to leave him and be rid. If the police become aware I'm leaving because of his coercive control and mental abuse, would they arrest him even if I don't ask for this?

OP posts:
ThatCleverCoralCrow · 09/09/2025 16:48

If you don't want to tell the police what's been happening then they can't really do much. If you tell them then they have a duty of care to deal with any offences, to safeguard you and for justice which ultimately will include him being arrested.

If you don't plan to provide info about the abuse, I would then advise you to leave swiftly when he's out and tell him after the fact, not face to face since you fear he's a danger to you.

If this man is abusive/coercive, would you consider actually taking police action? At the least, it's logged and law enforcement are aware should he commit similar offences in the future. If he's arrested and goes through the criminal system, bail conditions can be put in place to prevent him from contacting you or turning up at your home address etc, and if he does then the police would attend immediately.

Sameasever · 09/09/2025 16:48

I don’t think the police would come out in advance at an arranged time, only in an emergency if you ring 999.

I was also going to say you might need to get legal advice first re the house and your possessions etc. especially if you will need to go back or sell up or if you have children.

When I called the police a couple of times in a dv situation, they told exh to leave for the night for things to calm down. They also said it was a civil matter not a criminal one.

AlignmentSeptember · 09/09/2025 16:49

Why don't you file for a no fault divorce ?

Split everything 50/50

Have you spoken to a solicitor ?

Do you work ?

AlignmentSeptember · 09/09/2025 16:57

Can you store important documents with a friend or relative ?

If you leave, suggest setting up a Royal Mail redirection so that your post goes to new address? friend or family or a PO Box

What do you want to
PAY to store ? It is dead money

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2025 17:19

Do you need to tell him in person? Doesn't sound like he deserves the courtesy much more a piece of your mind in writing that he can stew on for years to come.

I've helped someone do a moonlight flit under these circumstances. We parked a small removals van around the corner, watched him leave for work and then took what was reasonable to rehome his wife and child and off we went and helped her to move into her new place. It was a lovely day especially for her.

Doingmybest12 · 09/09/2025 17:35

You can request the police attend to prevent a breach of the peace

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 18:22

Doingmybest12 · 09/09/2025 17:35

You can request the police attend to prevent a breach of the peace

You can’t request police presence because you think something might happen!

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 18:24

Doingmybest12 · 09/09/2025 17:35

You can request the police attend to prevent a breach of the peace

You can request all you want but you're very unlikely to get, unless the person has a proven history of violence.

And even then it's unlikely if the police are busy.

Emailsshow · 10/09/2025 06:16

Doingmybest12 · 09/09/2025 17:35

You can request the police attend to prevent a breach of the peace

What would possess you to spout such nonsense so definitively to a vulnerable woman? @Doingmybest12

Doingmybest12 · 11/09/2025 07:53

Because I have known this happen.

Shineonyoucrazydiamond1 · 11/09/2025 10:55

The police can put a note on your address of potential domestic violence so that if they get a 999 call in the future they will have background information. I'd agree with others suggesting getting in touch with Women's Aid or your local domestic violence services to help you make a safe plan to leave. However much you feel you owe it to him to tell him in person, you have a greater right to safety and you should prioritise this above all else. If you are concerned enough to consider having police present, that tells you everything you need to know, err on the side of caution and if that means leaving when he's not there- that's ok. Sending strength and best wishes... x

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