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Original poster

Birthday unacknowledged for 2 years

30 replies

Hobnob90 · 09/09/2025 14:49

I’ve been with my partner for about 15 years, we have two children together. Since we’ve lived together approx 9 years my parents have bought my partner a birthday present and card for his birthday. However the last 2 years they haven’t or even acknowledged it. Last year I thought maybe they’d forgotten it the year before so I mentioned a few times what we were doing for partners birthday that weekend. But no happy birthday was said or even a card! I want to approach this with my parents now as it’s hurtful. DP family always get me presents and cards and I feel really embarrassed how my parents have behaved.
just a side note they always get him a Christmas present, we live local and when we pop round I don’t pick up on any hostility towards him. Any advice on how to approach this?

OP posts:
Osmosisfreight · 09/09/2025 14:53

I’d just ask them, say mum dad why haven’t you acknowledged DH’s birthday the last 2 years, then go from there. Maybe your DH has offended them in some way, maybe he has asked them not to get him a gift or maybe they can’t afford it. No point wondering why until you ask them

Girlmom35 · 09/09/2025 14:54

I would definitely bring this up!
If they've had the habit of doing something for his birthday for all this time, it's very odd they would just stop. And also very hurtful.
Maybe bring it up gently. Be curious rather than throwing accusations around.

How do your parents usually respond when you bring up something hurtful they've done?

Original poster
Hobnob90 · 09/09/2025 15:07

its difficult about how to approach it in a sensitive way. I really hate confrontation, I do wonder if they have been ‘upset’ by something although I can’t really think by what. I just know my mom especially can be a bit off. I struggled as a teenager and in my early 20s living at home she’s not somebody I find easy to talk to and opinionated. I guess I’m just going to have to say I’ve noticed you haven’t sent DP a birthday card on his birthday. For the last 2 years and I just wondered why?

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 09/09/2025 15:12

Just a thought but does your partner buy them cards and presents for their birthday? Just wondering as if not they might be responding in kind?

Original poster
Hobnob90 · 09/09/2025 15:38

I just buy a present and a card signed from us and the children. Like he does with his parents.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 09/09/2025 15:51

It doesn't have to be a confrontation, I'd just say something along the lines of: You forgot dh's bday again. He hasn't said anything, but it's important to me that he feels part of our family and thought about. His parents always make the effort to acknowledge my birthday and I'd like it if you'd do the same for him. I don't want to make a big fuss, but I also didn't want to not mention it. Please try and remember it next year, even if you just send a card.

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 09/09/2025 15:53

They’ve likely just decided to cut back.

TorroFerney · 09/09/2025 16:02

Aria2015 · 09/09/2025 15:51

It doesn't have to be a confrontation, I'd just say something along the lines of: You forgot dh's bday again. He hasn't said anything, but it's important to me that he feels part of our family and thought about. His parents always make the effort to acknowledge my birthday and I'd like it if you'd do the same for him. I don't want to make a big fuss, but I also didn't want to not mention it. Please try and remember it next year, even if you just send a card.

That is eminently sensible. But I’d never say that to my mother, she’s so emotionally immature it just wouldn’t be worth it.

any criticism perceived or other is confrontational!

TorroFerney · 09/09/2025 16:06

What I would say op is that it’s not your embarrassment but I understand why you are feeling it. I used to be the same, my mother is very flaky with cards depending on her mood but that’s not a reflection on me. I used to spend most of my time mortified by her behaviour ( being all over a bloke she was having an affair with at a bar whilst I was there with friends was a low point - she was married to my dad at the time) but time and a lot of reading has helped me.

Original poster
Hobnob90 · 09/09/2025 16:29

Thanks all it’s his birthday this weekend. So i’ll say something when I see her this week.

OP posts:
Newton161 · 09/09/2025 16:46

I imagine if your partner is anything like my DH he isn’t in the slightest bit bothered about your parents not acknowledging his birthday.

Original poster
Hobnob90 · 09/09/2025 16:55

He doesn’t care that much tbh but he does wonder why. I just feel really embarrassed by it. It makes it worse as I think his parents have picked up on it too.

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 09/09/2025 20:20

Has he said thank you in previous years?

Manthide · 09/09/2025 20:27

I've just remembered it's my son in law's birthday next week. I don't always bother with cards or presents as I don't see him often and he seems to have everything!

DappledThings · 09/09/2025 20:38

Do they have any other SILs or DILs? Do they buy for them? What about their owb siblings? Are they just cutting back in general or singling him out?

I'm not actually sure if my parents have sent anything to DH most years or not. Would they be bothered if you didn't get them anything?

CheekyRaven · 09/09/2025 20:41

My in laws didn't buy my son (from previous marriage) gifts for his birthday or Christmas after the age of 12. Almost as if he stopped existing. They did buy my youngest son as he was their grandson
My new husband would never pull them up and told me to leave it. I'm still pi$$ed by this behaviour. My son is now 36.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 09/09/2025 23:16

My mum used to write everyone’s birthday on her calendar and transfer it every year. If she somehow didn’t write one birthday down she could easily have forgotten. I managed to forget my best friend’s kids one year because I didn’t transfer it over.
Maybe it’s something as simple as this.
I would just somehow slip that it’s his birthday into a conversation and see if they say anything or send a card.

FlayOtters · 10/09/2025 08:14

Sorry, you PIL have picked up on the fact that your parents haven't bought their grown son a birthday card?? that is wild. do they come round and inspect his birthday haul??

Navyontop · 10/09/2025 09:25

Does your husband specifically buy them gifts and cards? If not, then fair enough tbh.
People put too much emphasis on what others should do, who cares!
also the fact that you’re going to talk to your Mum only, that tells me that you hold women to higher level of accountability.
Maybe your husband doesn’t really make any effort with your parents and you’re conditioned not to notice.
Obviously I could be completely wrong and he could be round there monthly mowing their lawns…

Manthide · 10/09/2025 11:33

FlayOtters · 10/09/2025 08:14

Sorry, you PIL have picked up on the fact that your parents haven't bought their grown son a birthday card?? that is wild. do they come round and inspect his birthday haul??

I have 2 sons in law and I'm pretty sure one set of pil wouldn't notice but the other probably would! His birthday isn't until early next year. Maybe a card would suffice! Those pil are very generous to my dd1.

PussInBin20 · 10/09/2025 11:41

It’s probably just simply that they are getting older and don’t want to bother. My DM used to get my DD presents but now she just gives me money for me to buy something on her behalf. A bit annoying but I think it’s just getting older.

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 10/09/2025 12:56

Completely understand your frustration. I didn’t grow up in a household where normal conversations like the suggestions took place and therefore would find this awkward. I too find this really difficult and the truth is you shouldn’t have to say anything! It’s fucking rude of your parents not to send a card, you can get perfectly adequate ones for £1 in Tesco. If you’re sending a card to them from both of you then they should be doing the same in return or explaining that they don’t want to for x, y and z reasons and then you should have the opportunity to return the effort. My Dad (passed now) forgot my OH’s birthday 2 years in a row and I was so embarrassed, I think in the end I text him and asked him if he had forgotten and he nipped through with a card but it was excruciating for me to do that. My own adult daughter doesn’t get my OH a card (step Dad in her life over a decade) and that’s awkward as well because we have broken up a couple of times and I’ve been upset about his behaviour and she’s seen that so I feel guilt added into the mix! However, he is involved in seeing them and his name is always on the card that we send to her and her partner so I think it’s basic respect to me to send him one! This year I’m debating sending him one from Moonpig with their names on but that would be embarrassing if this year they actually sent one or if he text them to thank them for the card (although part of me thinks it might not be a bad idea for them to know I feel obliged to do it!)

I think maybe just text if you can face it but if she is off hand with you then please remember that you are not to blame here. Even if he has offended them in some way then they should have told you so that you can rectify the problem and then they shouldn’t expect anything from him (and by default - you) in future. I bet they benefit from the family unit, visiting, cups of tea and coffee, helping out with broadband and TV issues etc so he would have had to do something pretty awful to justify not sending a £1 birthday card!

x

Fantasticforfourty · 10/09/2025 12:59

Can you not just saying I'm buying dh this for his birthday do you want me to add your name into a card and do you want to contribute to the gift?

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 10/09/2025 12:59

FlayOtters · 10/09/2025 08:14

Sorry, you PIL have picked up on the fact that your parents haven't bought their grown son a birthday card?? that is wild. do they come round and inspect his birthday haul??

My Mum always reads cards when she comes round, so fucking rude isn’t it? I remember seeing a post on here about it ages ago, I think it’s quite common! Weirdos. I am going to write something really sexually rude in OH’s card this year, that’ll teach her.

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 10/09/2025 13:03

Manthide · 09/09/2025 20:27

I've just remembered it's my son in law's birthday next week. I don't always bother with cards or presents as I don't see him often and he seems to have everything!

If you receive a card from your daughter and it has your son in laws name on then it’s incredibly rude not to send him a card on his birthday. Your poor daughter must feel awful. I can only go on the info you have given, if they don’t send you a card then it’s different. Just because they have nice things doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get a token gesture on their birthday. Also, how do you know they have everything if you don’t see them? You imply that you know therefore they must be a part of your life.