1 year old, relationship breaking down

[BrokenFTM887]

We've had a tough year with a child that still doesn't reliably sleep through (he's teething now, again). I went back to work at 6 months. Breastfeeding and pumping. Handling 90% of wake ups because of BF. Cooking and weaning, I've done a lot of that too. I carry the financial burden too. He's helped a lot, a lot more than other useless dads i see around me. But it's not even close to 50%. And now baby is less reliant on me, I was hoping he would do more. My job is really full on and long hours.

We get in a vicious cycle where I do more and more and we have a big argument and things balance but then it slips and I do more again.

My head is going to explode. I've just exploded at him (again) and he's now said he's done. He's tried putting up with my moods for the last year but he can't do it anymore.

Honestly I will be fine on my own but I am heartbroken for my baby. I don't want him to grow up with split parents.

And part of the reason I do so much is because I want everything to go smoothly.

But I resent DH, so much. For how much freedom he has. There is no coming back is there.

Reality is that I was / am such a bitch. A resentful horrible woman. I wish I could be like my mum. She did everything and never complained. All I do is complain.

You don't want to be like your mum.
Your mum was miserable, but women in her generation were taught to expect less than the bare minimum and be grateful for that. Women in her generation had a much harder time to leave.

You only get one life.
You only get one chance at happiness.
Your child only gets one chance at a good example of making healthy choices.
That trumps whatever happiness your child can have at playing happy family when it's all just a lie.

So you’re with a useless cocklodger who is making you miserable but you’re worried about splitting up because your baby will have two parents who aren’t together?

Surely it’s far better to have happy parents apart than her growing up in a home either parents who barely tolerate each other and watching her mum be treated like a doormat?

Come on OP you know the answer

he's not a useless cocklodger. He really does do a lot just not nearly as much as me. This last year has been hard and I feel so taken for granted. I just want someone to take care of me for once in my life. I realize no one ever will and I just need to make peace with that I think. I'm being selfish and fucking up my child's future.

If you really believed that, you wouldn't be here posting this.
You'd be quiet and tolerate things.

Look, it's incredibly hard doing what you are doing. You mentioned your job and how difficult it is to balance everything. I don't know how explosive you were but let's say you were very explosive I think you can try and reason with your partner if you want to save the relationship but I think something has to change. You simply can't keep doing everything you are doing. Could you reduce your work hours, or lower your standards? Could he do more?

@Slimtoddy well, I shouted first thing in the morning which is no one's ideal way to start the day. I threw a shampoo bottle at the wall (when I was alone, not at him in any way), he heard the bang and came up to check what was going on, I started telling him how tired and frustrated I am and it all escalated into shouting.

He had woken me up at 4am because the baby was crying even though we had agreed he would handle the night waking as we're trying to night wean. I was in a deep sleep, with earplugs, and there was ZERO need to wake me. Like, no reason whatsoever. Our agreement was that he goes in and tries and if baby is inconsolable, then I go in.

He's so used to me going in though that his first instinct is to wake me up anyway.

I am going through an extremely busy period at work, we talked about this extensively, and frankly I handled all the night wakings for a year, he can handle a few wakings for a few weeks.

There is no way to reduce my hours. The only option is for me to quit my job and do something else. It's a drastic option that will involve us selling the house and moving as his wage doesn't cover mortgage and childcare.

I am seriously considering this but it's sort of the nuclear option as there is no way to come back to this kind of salary in say 3 years' time.

And to be honest, if I quit my career and everything I have worked for because he couldn't step up for a few months that will be the end anyway.

@Slimtoddy I'm not sure what lowering my standards means. He doesn't do any cleaning. I breastfeed morning and evening. When I was pumping, I cleaned and sterilized everything. I cook all of baby's meals, portion them, everything. He does do it too but only when prompted and reminded which just adds to my work, I may as well do it. Baby has a few allergies, including dairy, egg and peanuts, we have to cook all his foods. I pay all bills and do all household admin.

His job is to watch DS for an hour after work, change an ocasional nappy, help with bedtime (never does bedtime by himself) and now to also handle night wakings.

Does he work full time too

Yes

Sometimes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. If you leave you may well be able to manage (financially) but you do realise you would have to do more than you do now?
Sometimes jobs in the home are not always even, sometimes one does more than the other and then it can shift the other way. I think this is all more normal than you realise, what you really need to focus on is how your relationship has changed since having a child. If he still pulls his weight a lot, I think you may be unreasonable. It’s ok to have traditional roles, if that is the case, despite what a lot of MN say here, there’s a reason this works well for lots of couples. Remember. this is just a phase of life with your child being young, the child’s needs will change and you will be able to do more. Would you be having the same conversation when your child is at school?

It does sound like the balance of who does what is very unfair when you both work full time. But at the same time, you're in the very very hardest stage of parenting right now. Soon the baby will sleep more and you'll be less tired. You might feel less exhausted physically after you stop BFing too.

But him claiming he's had enough of putting up with your moods - does he not understand that you would be less angry if he did his fair share?

Also to think about / talk about - if you split up, would he ever have the baby overnight on his own? What would your life look like? Would it be harder or easier?

Good luck.

@Cheekychopsheis It’s ok to have traditional roles, if that is the case, despite what a lot of MN say here

I work 50 hours a week. I had 6 months of maternity leave. I work more hours, bring 3x money, and take care of all house bills and admin. Where is his traditional role in all this?

I think people say make no big decisions for the first two years post kids because it can be an absolute sh*t show. You are extremely sleep deprived, trying to do two ‘jobs’ as well as possible (work and parenting) and I swear that even the very best, most ‘perfect’ men just do not/cannot understand the absolute overwhelm and overstimulation of parenting for women. The hormones are something else. I know people can be quick to pile on dads for being useless but it sounds like your partner is trying too. That doesn’t mean you have to just accept that this is life now. But it may mean there’s hope and you both need a reset. I know that it can help to say to each other, “This is hard. I’m not happy. You’re not happy but I refuse to give up on this.”

I don’t have any life changing advice apart from that you’re not alone. The ‘best’ relationships can turn on their heads post baby and it doesn’t mean either of you are bad people or bad parents, it’s just a really tough transition.

If I were going to suggest anything, I would say the following. I’m sorry if this is stuff you’ve tried or are very against or not possible: I just don’t want to leave you with no ideas!

• as the lower earner, could your DH stay home part time to take the pressure off slightly? Obviously only works if his salary is similar to childcare costs. I’m not suggesting you move house etc.
• would you mind cosleeping whilst you catch up on sleep. Lots of people worry about it setting a precedent but sometimes everyone just needs some sleep to reset.
• Have a really clear plan for each day re responsibilities - you say that sometimes it’s more balanced. What does that balance actually look like? Who is doing what and when. Communicate that really directly or assign days for cooking/cleaning/chores/admin etc. if you have certain days you reliably work late, he is on cooking/bathtime duty. Sometimes having it really clearly laid out and communicated helps you stick to it. And listen to your OH if they find certain days more challenging or would prefer certain chores over others. If it can be a joint effort, it’ll last longer than you laying down the law!
• Get your OH to do more weekend batch cooking for you both or for your DC so you’re just heating things mon-fri.

Again, I’m sorry if these aren’t helpful. Hopefully more people will come on with other ideas too.

and him? What does he do?
you are not alone in what you do, mothering (and parenting) is hard and you are in the thick of it. Try not to be the one to be pitied on. I’m saying this as someone in a similar situation and in the thick of it myself.

This is the hardest time. Things are likely to look better in a couple of years if you don’t have more kids.

I think it’s the sleep deprivation and exhaustion. It’s full on torture. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and each day it gets a little bit easier. I’m assuming you don’t have the option of dropping your hours even temporarily?

i personally wouldn’t end a marriage at this stage unless he was abusive. I think overall it’s easier having 2 parents at home. If he continues to not step up you can end things in a year or 2. Or he may take on a more active role as your kid gets older giving you more time to yourself again.

I hope you work things out

You keep saying "he does a lot" then you list out the very few things he actually does.

In every possible way, you would be better off without him.

You need marriage counselling now if you're to get through this. Have either of you suggested it?

OK, everyone saying don't end it but I haven't said I will end it. HE did, this morning. HE said he's done and won't put up with me anymore.

My options (1) are let him go or (2) beg him to forgive me, promise to keep cool and keep doing everything.

I don’t think you should beg him to forgive you. But maybe you could talk about how he could support you and your family more. And in turn, with that support you could perhaps think more actively self regulation and better communication which would lead to less emotional explosions which are not good for either of you.

You say he does a lot and then describe a man who does fuck all

I have white hot rage on your behalf at him waking you up at 4am when there was no need.
I doubt he's going to get any more respectful of you as your DC gets older.

Why don't you sit down with him and thrash out how he sees his life going after he leaves you. Does he want 50:50 residence (I doubt it) or will he be paying child support? Where does he see himself living?

Don’t beg that waste of space to do anything. Let the fucker take himself out. You don’t need him. Downsize, get a nanny.

There is a third way.

We had a few bumps in the first year! I don’t want to sound like a tw8t but…it does get better and that helps the relationship…so maybe worth riding out the storm for a bit?

I think you are under immense stress and your explosiveness is understandable but for your sake you probably need to get it under control. Very easy for me to say that I know. It is so hard and trying to hold down a demanding job is very challenging.

I get the impression it would be hard for you to take a break or a step back and breathe. I do think you probably need a frank conversation with him including a discussion about the nuclear option of quitting. You should be a team but it feels like you are on your own.