1 year old, relationship breaking down

[BrokenFTM887]

We've had a tough year with a child that still doesn't reliably sleep through (he's teething now, again). I went back to work at 6 months. Breastfeeding and pumping. Handling 90% of wake ups because of BF. Cooking and weaning, I've done a lot of that too. I carry the financial burden too. He's helped a lot, a lot more than other useless dads i see around me. But it's not even close to 50%. And now baby is less reliant on me, I was hoping he would do more. My job is really full on and long hours.

We get in a vicious cycle where I do more and more and we have a big argument and things balance but then it slips and I do more again.

My head is going to explode. I've just exploded at him (again) and he's now said he's done. He's tried putting up with my moods for the last year but he can't do it anymore.

Honestly I will be fine on my own but I am heartbroken for my baby. I don't want him to grow up with split parents.

And part of the reason I do so much is because I want everything to go smoothly.

But I resent DH, so much. For how much freedom he has. There is no coming back is there.

Reality is that I was / am such a bitch. A resentful horrible woman. I wish I could be like my mum. She did everything and never complained. All I do is complain.

But you have reflected on yourself and said yourself that you are a bitch and all you do is complain. Why should he put up with that?

It sounds like you need to look a little more inward rather than blaming him all the time. Lashing out throwing shampoo bottles isn’t going to help is it?

saying all that, I appreciate it is very hard. You have so many things to juggle- work, baby, house, being married as well as looking after yourself. You can’t keep everything 100% with all plates spinning and you need to let something slack and that is for you to figure out.

Does he step up when you are sick? you say he will do it if prompted so are you saying if you don't prompt the thing doesn't get done.

I think breastfeeding can contribute to unequal effort (I breastfed all of mine) as only you can breastfeed. Would you consider mixed feeding or reducing it?

I think you have an awful lot on your plate. I noticed you mentioned allergies - I have experience of this too and I know how stressful it can be.

Ouch. But all true.

Erm you both work full-time one minute you say he does nothing, next your the opposite. Doesn't matter if you pay whatever your both working a lot which is exhausting in itself. Sounds more like your exhausted and it's catching you up tbh.

Well, yes, I am exhausted. I didn't start this post to ask if I should leave him, he's leaving me. He's done. So yes, I'm exhausted and looking at being a single parent now and I'm sad and heartbroken.

Honestly @BrokenFTM887 I would let him go. There is a chance (admittedly a small one) that he will realise he made a mistake. IF he comes back, you can layout some conditions moving forwards.

However, if he goes and stays away, at the very least, you will get some down time when he has your DC. I assume you'll still have the majority. But he will have some contact time. Even one night a week would give you a chance to sleep.

We all tend to find that when our relationship ends there is LESS work without the man. You may eventually come to see this as better for you (if not for your DC).

How are things today OP. Did you speak to him last night? If he's set on separating I would be making it clear to him that he needed a plan for how he was still going to contribute to parenting and when he was able to have the baby (within comfortable parameters for you at the moment building up to 50/50 in time). He may check out from the marriage but he can't check out from his child.

I was in a similar situation, breadwinner and carried the majority of the mental load and tasks although my children were older. I found it easier when ex left. I just got on with what was needed and didn't resent another adult but also the had time when he had the children and I could get the break I desperately needed.

Edited to add: do you have local support, can you adjust work pattern or increase from home time? Anything to make life a little easier.

Op you are a victim of reactive abuse. Look it up. Basically a useless fucker pushes you to your extreme limits at which point any human would snap. The whole focus is then taken off them being a useless fucker and put into you being a needy, volatile, short tempered dragon. I assure you, on your own with every other weekend and an evening or two off a week with no manchild to look after, you’ll be none of those things and a new woman. Let the gaslighting fucker go see how he copes on his own. Don’t fall for it you’re doing your absolute best to keep this pos afloat as well as everything else.

Thanks @Everintroverte I tried but he's not speaking to me at the moment except basic stuff like who's watching DS later etc.

Yikes. Sorry OP - this sounds tough.

Me and my DP are genuinely 50% but in the early days when I was BFing it was so hard. Even though he was doing other stuff it put so much strain on our relationship. It's the lack of sleep, it absolutely kills you.

Only you know whether your relationship is worth fighting for and I can understand your frustration but can you sit down and have more solutions orientated conversations when you are not angry? Can you pay for more help? Perhaps a cleaner? Cook ready meals are a great option.

You shouldn't have to put up with him not pulling his weight but no-one is going to take kindly to be yelled at in the morning (even if they are in the wrong), that's just not how human beings work. You need to think about what you are trying to achieve and here because right now it sounds like you are going to end up a single parent, that might be the best option but if it's not what you want you need to think about how you approach things.

Leave him to it then, stop trying to talk to him except important details around logistics. And when he is watching the baby, absolutely leave him to deal with it. Start getting paperwork and legal things in order quietly, while you can and think about what you want from the separation (i.e. house, finances, access and when he will have your baby).

As others have said he may realise what he's doing and have a change of heart, he may not. It seems hard now but you will be better off without him and his incompetence.

Although, my ex left just as I got promoted and for a time I was a little angry that he couldn't even leave at a convenient time which, on reflection, was a little unfair 😅. So cut yourself some slack too, he has pushed you to your limits just lately and it will take a while to reset and feel yourself again.

Well if he says he’s leaving , you need to turn your mind to working out how you will split , especially care of your baby. I assume you are planning to wean Ds so that his dad can have him 50:50 and that you will spilt the weekend between you . Eg you have Wednesday to Saturday and he has Sunday - Tuesday.

Sit down with your DP and talk to how about how this will work in practical terms. be as objective as you can, as if it’s a work meeting.

This has two purposes.

1. it makes your DP start to realise how much extra work he will have in the future. He will have to do ALL the night wakings for 3 or 4 nights and do every evening he has DS. None of this “ one hour after work and half of bedtimes “ .
2. If he has the cheek to admit that he in fact only wants his son, say, two weekends a month, at least you know where you stand and you can make your plans accordingly .

You should assume that whatever he says about caring for his son, he will do much less in reality. Because that’s who is is now. And the best predictor of the future is the past .

Im sorry that you are in this postitoon , I have been there myself and once I got over the heartbreak I was INCANDESCENT with rage at how lazy and selfish my ex was. I was also angry at myself for being such a fool as to marry him.

On a practical note, you will be surprised at how much work is created by that extra adult in the house. When my ex left, I had to do so much less washing / ironing / cooking / cleaning / shopping and man keeping.

Doing everything for yourself and your baby can be less stressful than doing everything for two adults and a baby. Sure you have to wake in the night, but you don’t have the added stress of listening to your husband snoring whilst you do it, knowing you asked him to handle it. If the only way to avoid that is to resign yourself to doing everything, that’s not a marriage.

@BrokenFTM887You said you didn’t want your child to have split parents, they already do. Taking them out of a toxic atmosphere is better for them.

Your husband, instead of stepping up and taking the strain, has chosen to blame you for being angry at him. It doesn’t sound like he’s committed to making things work.

I don’t believe it is true. You are carrying the entire weight of the family. Only a saint could do that and not be so stressed out they lose their shit. Women are raised to bend, and capitulate, and #bekind, but what about his role in all of it. If he was doing what was needed, you wouldn’t be so stressed and angry.

When I’m stressed out and getting worked up about things, the first thing my husband asks is what can he do to take the most stress off me. Which part of my day to day would make it better to hand to him. The same way I do for him. It is never 50/50, it never can be. If I’m busy at work and can only give 20 to the home situation, he’s at 80. When he has his busy times at work I do the 80. Neither of us blame each other for being stressed. That never gets anyone anywhere.

The first years are hard, really hard. Only you can decide if you believe there is enough mileage for it to go the distance when things become calmer. But don’t, under any circumstances, let anyone believe you are entirely to blame for losing your shit when things get too tough. Anger is rarely one sided.

Worth remembering OP - you know who never gets "nagged"?
People who do things the first fucking time they're asked.

If your DH was actually pulling his weight in any way you'd have nothing to complain about.

I wish I could be like my mum. She did everything and never complained
Is that really how you want your life to be? Is that the life you'd want your DC to have?

This weaponised incompetence show men perform needs to end now. He absolutely needs to take on 50%. This is not negotiable. It is the reasonable and fair way to do things. You need to make lists, and more lists. And explain and show him how you want things done even if you have to repeat yourself again and again. Don't give up on this. He has threatened to leave but it's probably an empty threat. When he comes back, say YOU will only continue the relationship when he accepts he needs to do 50% of all the childcare and running of the household including the mental tasks. If you split he may have the child 50% so he better start putting his 50% in now.

God I'm so so sad today. I need to get this off my chest.

Returning to work after mat leave has been horrendous. The lack of sleep has been sheer torture. Weaning has been a nightmare. And now my baby has just turned 12 months and I'm going to be a single parent.

I'm heartbroken and lonely. I'm so so angry at myself and at him. I've had to call in sick today, I can't find the strength to leave the bedroom. I feel so stupid.

I was just starting to feel a little better, exercising, feeling like myself. Then the stupid molars came, sleep went downhill and it's all just too much. I'm not cut out for motherhood. And now I'll have to do it alone.

You'll feel better once he's gone @BrokenFTM887, honestly. He'll have your DC sometimes and you can use that time to rest.

It'll get easier, I promise.

Of course you feel horrendous, there’s a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. It’s nothing to do with you “ not being cut out for motherhood “. It’s to do with you being exhausted.

And you won’t be doing it all alone . Unless your husband has already told you he wants nothing more to do with his child - has he done that? If not then you are going to finally have some time off while your baby’s dad has sole care of him.

Sometimes a little time apart to reset can really help. Do you think this is the case? It sounds like you both need to make some adjustments and need to think about these things first. Don’t rush him back just yet,
let the red rage calm down.

Typical MN on previous posts, not everything is abuse!! From what I can see, you took on too much and have put the blame on him. Although in reality I am sure there is a bit more to the story here too. Your line manager is to blame as well, putting too much work on you in the first 6 months of returning to work
is unsupportive.. Looking from the outside I would really be looking at that as the start of all these problems? Was everything ok before you went back to work? I went back to work far too early with my first too, I was still bf, up all night, work put too much on me but I took a step back a phased the return, it’s not too late for this either.

i know it’s hard that you do a lot at the moment,
i have a baby the same age as yours so i fully get it, But if you already had your roles in your home pre kids it’s hard to change this post kids without specifically talking it through and that is when things become uneven. I have seen this so much with all my mum friends. It does get better and you will be ok.

Just wanted to send you a handhold
OP, as when I read about the sleep deprivation and your husband waking you at 4am my heart really went out to you. I’ve had two non sleeping kids (first one slept eventually and I sort of forgot how appalling it was or I’d never have had another) and my life was a car crash and I was overwhelmed with work and life and utterly miserable - I’m not exaggerating or being frivolous when I say DH and I also almost split up.

I’d let things lie for now, keep yourself to yourself, insist that he takes care of baby overnight (so you can night wean - baby has pain relief for the teeth and your husband gives him milk/water/food/cuddles and sucks it up). Given you are at crisis point are you able to have some more time off work (call in sick?) and get some rest - you need to think things through before you have any conversations. Wish you all the best and so sorry it’s shit right now.

@Cheekychopsheisit bloody is abusive slacking on your end of a joint responsibility leaving the exhausted, burnt out shell of a mother supporting an actual grown man as well as a struggling baby then being BLAMED for the separation. Your standards are on the floor if you think that’s ok. She’s more exhausted than him and still blaming herself. I’ve lived this life, these men need a kick up the arse.

OP your life will get easier I promise. He’ll take the baby for his fair share of time and you can finally rest. Even if he doesn’t it’ll still be easier once you get into your groove. This is not your fault and you will be great. You most definitely are cut out to be a mum that’s clear to see

He needs to fucking wake up and smell the coffee.

It sounds like your job with it's higher wages probably has greater responsibility and therefore demands. You're covering all the bills, which, whilst you have more money it still means you can't really quit that job without uprooting everything. The nuclear option. So there's a lot of pressure there too. And then add on the fact he's not doing enough and you've got a year of sleepless nights under your belt. Waking you at 4 was thoughtless. Maybe thats it. It feels as though he's thoughtless and you're carrying both the mother and provider burden. Something is seriously wrong with that

He's said he's leaving, maybe he is, but ime unless he has somewhere else to stay he's probably not going to go. Maybe it's best not to split now, then again, you're doing most of it anyway and resentment is another burden.

I'm not sure but I feel your pain